Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

Here's a link to my second thread...I was posting fast and furious at that time and getting great support from my BB friends!

Sage's second thread

I was very much in reflective mode (yah, ok, when am I not! ) and was spending a great deal of time thinking about our M pre-bomb...

Not to be melodramatic or delve too much into my past but DB'ing has slowed me down enough to see what I've brought to the table in terms of messing up my M. Not listening totally, controlling H. and now, it's becoming pretty clear, NOT appreciating his love for me for what it is -- a gift. How many times have I doubted him? How many times have I "dropped the other shoe" so that he couldn't do it first? My H. has been telling me this all along -- that I never seemed happy (and how could I be? Wasn't something terrible going to happen?); that he couldn't live up to my expectations, etc.

TBH, this is something that I still struggle with...in fact, much of my desire to mark this anniversary in such a dramatic fashion is to make a clean break...to finally leave this past behind while still gleaning the lessons and taking them forward.

One of the things that I absolutely still struggle with is just letting h love me...being confident and accepting of his love...

Had another insight this morning that it's not just that I've not appreciated H's love for me, but, that I've not let him feel safe in my love for him. I'm listening to "Light his Fire" and the first key elements are:

1. H. needs to feel appreciated and loved just as he is
2. If you can't feel unconditional love right now, fake it
3. How he feels when he is around you is the key to a successful M.
4. An A. is often about finding someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself. It's not about being in love with them, it's how they make you feel.

I've often complained that h doesn't tell me what irks him but if I actually stop and listen I find that he does...

H. gave me another tidbit of feedback this morning -- he asked me a question and I gave a longwinded answer that basically culminated in my telling him to "look it up". He responded with "Saying 'I don't know' is an option". OK, I guess I talk on when a simple admission of not knowing would suffice -- of course, he failed to recognize (and I didn't bother bringing this up) that in my JOB, saying "I don't know" is not a positive thing -- so, I've just brought that style of conversing into the home. Anyway, I've been complaining for years that he doesn't give me feedback -- so I'll take it where I can get it!

He did say a few things that I need to stick in my memory bank -- that he sometimes felt like I was a "ticking time bomb" -- that is actually true and what it tells ME is two things -- that I need to work on managing my own internal stuff but that I ALSO need a way for us to work together when it just gets to be too much. I don't know how to talk to him about the hard stuff (OK, maybe last night was a good step in that direction) and it does end up making me feel as though I'm either going to explode or go crazy.

Sage