Looking backward...but only to move forward

[sage]

My first thread was about a month after I started DB'ing. As you can see from my first post, I was seeing good progress already by not initiating R talks and by focusing on spending QT with h. I think I had failed to realize how important just being together and having peaceful and fun times was to him....I did find myself struggling at times though with pervasive thoughts of the OW. Bringing her up was dooming for me and often resulted in a big old backslide.

Here are some thougths that I pulled out of my first thread...

Even then, h was clear on how he felt about what he had done:

Thoughts from h…important to remember when I’m feeling angry!
"I know that I have laid out a minefield. And, I've made it too easy for each of us to land on a mine. And when that happens, I feel sad and bad over what I've created."

One of my main focuses became improving my communication skills...I realized early on that I just wasn't giving h my full attention while listening AND that I was using my words to try to control him....this has continued to be an area of focus for me but when I look back I'm absolutely amazed at how much better I've gotten at it....here's an insight I had AND a solution I came up with (thank goodness for Post-its!)

One thing I'm noticing about my conversations with him (particularly phone ones) is that I don't always really listen -- I think I can be very knee-jerk and controlling on the phone.

>> I DID put a post-it on my phone at work that says "Listen, Don't control, Don't knee jerk"

I used goals liberally and had my best success when I took the time to really flesh out "actions"...here's one of my goals around listening...

H. and I will communicate more successfully with each other -- good, bad and neutral topics


How will I know?:
I will feel as though I can share my thoughts and feelings with him in safety.

I will no longer feel as though I need to "walk on eggshells"

H. will initiate or participate in conversations about his/mine/our future

H. will initiate or participate in conversations about the A.

H. will converse with me in a way that lets me know he feels safe.

What steps will I take to get there?:

Each day I will read at least on story that I think will be of interest to him (start with sport section ) and initiate a conversation on that topic (note to self: pick something you're interested in too!)

I will listen with 100% attention whenever we are talking. That includes phone conversations. NO doing other stuff during the conversation.

I will HEAR what he is saying instead of interpreting his words.

I will no longer ask him questions without giving him all the pertinent information.

I will no longer ask 2 questions in a row on the same topic that are mutually exclusive

I will no longer edit what comes out of his mouth

I will "hold onto my seat" when he tells me something that upsets me. I do not need to solve or react to every bad emotion instantly.

I will tell him that I need a break if I feel in danger of losing it.

I will stop asking questions that are meant to interrogate. (Yes, I do this sometimes!)

I will, for the time being, stop asking him personal questions completely unless he initiates the topic. I hope to reintegrate "normal" personal questions sometime when his radar isn't so sensitive.

I will talk 50% less than I really want to

I will let him make decisions that normally I would make (and I will not edit his decision!)

I will keep tone even, voice cheerful and upbeat. I will eliminate sarcasm.

I will SMILE when I answer the phone and throughout the conversation (if appropriate!)

I will acknowledge his feelings even if I don't agree with them.

I will stop the running and interpretive commentary in my head (see earlier post about the "ILY call")

I wonder how many things have become habit and how many I still need to really focus on!!!

I read a number of helpful books during my DB'ing and one of them "The four agreements" helped me to try to let go of ASSumptions and expectations (still something I work on every day!)...h has been clear in the past about how I telegraph expectation to him...

A few other times over the last week he definitely seemed distant and mentally out of sorts. I spent WAY too much time interpreting his moods until he finally gave me a wonderful piece of insight. He said "Sometimes, you look at me and I know that you're EXPECTING something from me and it's too much". He's absolutely right. I'm spending way too much time focused on him.

As I mentioned, one of my biggest problems in the beginning was wanting to ask questions about OW....here's some awesome advice that Jim (Umbrella24) gave me when I was really struggling...

Let's go through the possible results of this.
1) You bring it up, H gets defensive, shuts you out. Result - BAD.
2) You bring it up, H admits it, you feel like dog doo. Result- BAD.
3) You bring it up, H lies and says nothing happened, you find out later he's lying, you lose trust. Result - BAD.
4) You bring it up, H tells truth that nothing happened, you probably don't believe him anyways, now you're mad because he's cheating AND lying. Result - BAD.

Sage