After the last long discussion we had, I know that neither of us is in love with the other. I want to fix this, her I am not so sure of. I want to make sure every avenue is explored before it really is over. I don't think that she believes she can be much of a women. She hates her body, our relationship needs work, menopause, and physical problems are really taking a toll on her body. I think it also bothers her that I don't change like her. She seems to act like people our age really should not be physical anymore. So there are a ton of problems that can be addressed. Unfortunately, there is very little that us guys can do that has any real impact on this problem. The way I am see this is that I must make ME attractive to her, I must tell here what I really want, and then unfortunately the rest is up to her. I wish there was more I could do to change the outcome, but it just seems that I am entirely at her mercy.
Thanks for finally letting me know that ;-) That leads me to a question....has your W had a complete physical where she discussed her lack of libido with her Dr.? The reason I ask is that there could be changes that have occurred in her (just as there are in men) where medication may help.
My Mom a& I are very close friends...she experienced this EXACT phenomenom...she is now on medication (sorry don't remember which one) and it really has helped. Now this may not be the problem at all...if it's not then there's something deeper going on with her.
& Believe me...I know how feeling sexual affects how you behave...I've been on both ends of the spectrum as far as that goes and am currently trying to help my LDH recover his sense of sexuality which has been horribly squashed over the years.
I think our problems are both physical and emotional. I can work on the emotional part, but the physical part is the driving cause of low libido for her I think. Here is what I know are potential problems:
1) She gained a lot of weight with each child and finds it very hard to lose. 2) She has a hypoactive thyroid, and their side effects are trouble losing weight and loss of libido. 3) The medicine she takes for the thyroid on rare occasions causes lose of libido. 4) She was abused as a child and may have been sexually abused. 5) She is premenopause. Some of her joints ache. Irregular periods. 6) She is 45, and proably has lost a lot of her testosterone.
I have suggested she be tested for testosterone. She immediately says she will not take it. Can't say as I blame her because testosterone can have some serious side effects in women, from hair growth to liver damage. So even if I fix the emotional problems, there is still a boat load of physical problems to address. Not sure I can ever fix enough of the problems to get through to her.
The way you describe your W is similar to how I'd describe mine. I don't know what to do either. I've read SSM and am reading PM... thinking about reading DR as a "last resort" to maintain my shrinking sanity. I'm making changes in me and suggesting changes to her (such as, "I think a personal C would be good for you" and "I think you should use the company gym when work stresses you out too much"). I'm doing tons of things around the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc) to try to lessen her stress. All of these changes don't seem to matter. I'm "stuck."
So, what to do? 1) keep your mouth shut and resign yourself to the fact that this is probably the way the rest of your life will be? No. 2) make more personal changes and become a better person, all the while retreating into yourself and relying on yourself more, your W less? Maybe. 3) file D papers and see if W finally sees how serious you are? As a last resort, perhaps. 4) Constantly speak up about things that you dislike? Yes!
I am thinking of starting my next conversation with my W with the following question: "do you want to stay married?" Then I'll gauge W's reaction and go from there. This is about all I can do right now.
I hope you find something that works for you. Hang in there!
Ok, so she really could potentially have a physical reason for her problems...In some way that's encouraging and frustrating as well I'm guessing, however; if she used to be sexual it's probably not an abuse issue)...but I wouldn't rule it out either.
Just FYI...my mother went through (is going through) the other issues you've mentioned. She doesn't take testosterone per-say. But she does take a medication that helps to level out other parts of her system.
One thing you need to keep in mind is, that if she should agree to go get tested...and the Doc. does find she needs medication...the medication itself could take up to a month or more to kick in. It's not a quick fix, and my mom still doesn't have a raging libido.
I've got to point out something...you've never answered any of our questions on what YOU are doing to change. A change in your behavior can cause a change in hers.
Are you avoiding answering those questions? Do you not know what type of changes you should make? Or, and yes...I'm going to put this out there....are you being stubborn, saying "it's not me dammit, why should I change...I'm not the one with the problem!"?
Sorry, I just feel compelled to ask these things. Afterall, we've all felt that way....but as you may have noticed....those of us who FINALLY understood we needed to make changes within ourselves have had some success with our relationships (although I'm still in the infancy stage myself).
I'm guessing, however; if she used to be sexual it's probably not an abuse issue)...but I wouldn't rule it out either.