i didn't realize my wife had a twin! except a lot of times she is not willing and doesn't see what the problem is. she has not read anything nor has any desire to. oh the discussions are lively all right! but not as constructive. She simply feels that her position is right.
she cancelled the B & B we sort of agreed upon in the fall, she going to take a week off in dec. to do christmas stuff. I'm thinnking about telling her i'm going to rent a place at the ocean for a day or two to just relax and that she shouldn't feel obligated to go. I'm going to take the same week off to help with christmas stuff but I AM NOT working my tail off the whole week. I'll take some books, booze, and my guitar and just chill out..
Quote: I don't know how you can put up with it, really, I don't know if you are the worlds biggest masochist or saint.
The contest is World's Biggest Chump. I haven't "known" my wife in more than seven years, so I don't think Hairy even gets an Honorable Mention. Maybe Mr. Congeniality.
SM, hoping to scratch the "Seven Year Itch."
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I think you have a lot of fine points. I just want to throw in my 2 cents. Some of us are just looking for ANY sex, some of us just want quality sex. I prefer to go even beyond all of this, "Desire" determines everything about a persons personality. I know that I complain about the desire aspect all the time, and people think I am refering to sex. Sex is only a piece of it. When I think of "desire", i apply it to everything the LD spouse does 24/7. I literally see it as a complete personality change. Desire means the following for many of us HD men:
1) Obviously, wanting sex without help from the HD. 2) Loving to make out. 3) Touching, caressing. 4) Loves to perform oral sex. 5) Wanting to give pleasure to the other spouse, again without aid from the HD. 6) Loves to kiss many times each day, some erotic. 7) Loves fantasy and implements it. 8) Flirtatious. 9) Non erotic touching everyday, multiple times each day. 10) Makes affection and sex a priority. 11) Makes their spouse their #1 priority, above all else. 12) Feels sexy! 13) Probably many more things.
I as a HD, pretty much am most if not all the items on this list every second of everyday. This is waht "Desire" is. I think that many LD women when asked to increase the "desire" tend to focus on the sex, they don't relaize that what is really being asked is for them to change virtually everything about the way they live.
For example: I desire to kiss my wife when I wake up, when I go to bed, and when I get home from work, or from being out during the day. This has nothing to do with sex, but it is the "Desire" for sex that directly impacts this. My wife does not like to kiss me or be affectionate, it is to closely related to sex and to feeling sexy. That is another major hurdle, LD people tend to have REAL problems feeling sexy, I always feel sexy. Somewhere, I have posted Cemar's list for LD's, someone else updated it, and I think that pretty well sums up "desire" by my logic.
Quote: "Desire" determines everything about a persons personality.....When I think of "desire", i apply it to everything the LD spouse does 24/7. I literally see it as a complete personality change.
Whoa! That pretty much stopped me in my tracks CeMar. Correct me if I'm misinterpreting this ok? Are you expecting your wife to incorporate your definition of desire into everything she does on a daily basis...and as result modify her entire personality to suit your needs?
Please do tell me if I read that wrong, because if that's what you're hoping/expecting you may be fighting a losing battle. Think about it...would it be easy for you to modify your personality? I know it wouldn't be for me...my personality is who I am.
I still haven't heard you say what changes you're making, but you expect her to make some pretty damn big ones.
This is something YOU have to start. Its not going to get resolved over night and neither can she change overnight. Neither can you. Its going to take time. I don't see where you have forced her to make a decision as to whether she wants to or is willing to work on the marriage. I would be interested to know what changes you are making also
I have been married for 16 years, and have seen my wife as a HD and as a LD. I can tell you that as a HD person, she was VERY different, both inside and outside the bedroom. It is not just about sex. It's about the way you FEEL. She was a sexy and sexual person for the first 4 years that I knew her, then we start having kids and it completely changed her as a person. This is described well in SSM. It is hard to describe, but a person that FEELS sexual acts VERY different from one that does not feel sexual. For example: Years ago, she might cope a feel, she might whisper something in my ear, she might make out, she wanted to see me naked, she was SEXUAL. Now, nothing. She does not have a sexual bone in her body. She never flirts, she never has her mind on anything affectionate or sexual any way. She bascially is NO FUN. Heck, now she seems to be embarrased by sexuality, not like the days when it was fun and exciting. I think this is described in SSM, that when spouses lose their sexuality, they just take all the air out of the relationship. See the Cemar's list on this website. I can't seem to find it myself.
