I posted the following a while back, it will give you my perspective,
I think there is a group of HD spouses (mostly men I think) that have the same situation that I’m in. Let’s call it the Loving, willing, but not wanting spouse. Let me try to define the situation and see if I’m right about my guess that there are a lot of people in the same situation as me. I have a few threads on the board that give more details.
-Loving relationship, my relationship is loving where we both respect each other and in my case my Wife truly is my best friend. I don’t know how some of you put up with the sexual problems combined with the mental or physical abuse. I do look forward to being with my wife, and want better sex WITH her, not just better sex.
-Sexual Relationship, in our marriage I am defiantly the HD spouse where the D is desire. We do have frequency that could be better but the major problem is the quality and passion in our sexual relationship not just frequency.
Desire – Arousal – Sex, My W seldom is never aroused until we begin physical stimulation Once she gets aroused her level of desire does go up but at that point the goal is more bringing her to an O (which she usually does). I have told her that anticipation, teasing, foreplay etc. would help me with having more fulfilling sex. I still wonder if she realizes that there are different levels of pleasure for a guy, just because he ejaculates doesn’t equate to great sex.
-Disproportional Effort, in our relationship most of the effort in continuing the romance and trying to spice things up comes primarily from me. Things like fun weekends, special day events (B-days, anniversary etc.) come almost exclusively from me. Usually they have a big build up (unrealistic hopes?) that results in a let down. As I have said we kid that I have become the chick in the relationship.
-Willing spouse, My W is willing to have sex but seldom initiates. If she does it is usually more of an invitation than an action. She as read SSM, this led to some very good discussions, but little follow up. Other books, fun gifts, sexy clothes, go un used or forgotten quickly. I have made suggestions and tried to help her with ideas that would make sex for me much more fulfilling, seldom get follow up.
-Understands my frustration, I have told her how frustrated it is with she had higher desire, and how simple things could make our sex life much more fulfilling to both of us, and how this could make a good emotional relationship even better. She understands in principal but doesn’t understand how important this is to work on.
-Working on change, I have brought up the idea of working on the relationship, setting aside times or days to try new things, again willing to discuss it but little or no follow up continuing my frustration.
What would I want? To have a level of passion and desire as part of our sex life, to have this be part of our relationship, and to feel like we are both having fun while pleasuring each other. Simple eh
