i'd like to share some things about this subject and would enjoy getting feedback from people.
of course i'm speaking from the perspective of my own situation (W is LD i'm HD) my perspective is really that of a H of an extroverted (focus on the external world, non-reflective) LD,assertive W.
because i'm male i have desire anytime my system is triggered: revealing outfit, attractive woman, soft porn, etc. it doesn't mean i want to have sex it just means that i'm aware in a peripheral way of the state.
If i focus on that state conciously, then it is far more likely i'll become aroused.
In Michele's book SSM she talks about new research indicating that, in some women desire follows arousal instead of what society teaches us is normal. i would imagine if this is the case then to my wife desire=arousal=sex. In fact, i'd bet she doesn't have any distinction between desire and arousal.
So when i say to her "i'd like you to desire me more" she interprets that as "he wants me to be aroused more" which then brings on "see i knew this conversation was about sex". that's all he ever wants. Why can't he just let me be".
Of course this brings out the following reactions:
1. the tv goes on 2. the latest book comes out from under the bed. 3. the tetris game goes on.
Well since i want to improve my relationship, it really does start with communication skills. So i've stopped saying to her "i want" desire phrases.
What i will do is be more specific and only bring the subject up when she is aroused since this is more likelly to bring the desired behaviour.
