Not really financial hardships...just trying to make sure everything is paid off prior to his retirement...just in case employment isnt forthcoming immediately. His retirement isnt enough to live on because his prior wife gets half.
In regards to his retirement.... I too believe that the ultimate decision should be his but we also have a daughter and son that are dependent on us.... and their needs MUST come before our own. Our daughter is a sophomore in high school and our son is in 4th grade. There is a certain kind of comfort in knowing that one has a home, food and a job ...by being in the military.
My issues with H retiring at this moment are..we do not have our own home, I haven't worked in a year ( because we have chosen to forego the "toys" lifestyle) and insure that our children have a parent at home with them. He hasnt had any solid job offers at this time, although if one comes through we WILL be better off being civilian....however that is alot of "ifs" and I don't do good in "if" situations.
My father is helping me alot with this issue ...as he says I just need to quit worrying. easier said then done.
I am going to take a bit and try and write on paper some things that might illustrate the dynamics going on right now...so that I am not just rambling away on this BB taking up space and time.
I cannot guarantee that it will be as eloquent and etc as you all post but it should help . Might take awhile though so ....
Ok...I have tried all day yesterday to find a way to explain H and my past history without making him sound like a comlete A$$ and make me sound like a martyr.
There really is no way to say delicately that while I raised our DD22(twins).... I had no financial support from him and the girls and I didnt see or talk to him for 16 years. He married two other people...travelled the world, bought houses, cars, TOYS etc etc etc. I stayed in the town we grew up in, married one man who abused S20.
I dont feel H OWES me anything but I do feel that when he makes life altering decisions...that can and "DO" affect both of us , that my thoughts and feelings are acknowledged,appreciated and at the very least considered. After all it is MY life too!!
Hey, sometimes our spouses *are* complete *sses. And sometimes *we* are. Was your ultimatum about sex?
The only way I know to get past an earlier past failure is to build a newer history of actions that counteract it. You were abandoned while pregnant 20 years ago. In the relatively short amount of time you've been with your spouse, he has had a dalliance of some sort with one of your family members right before you were married. He has participated in some type of internet flirt/chat sort of thing just a couple of years ago. He makes unilateral decisions without your wholehearted agreement.
These things don't instill trust.
Ultimatums are usually best when they're very specific. A generic "things have got to get better" is the equivalent of nailing down jello. This is where lists come in. What specific things will have to change? And you both get to put together the list. And I'm talking specific lists such as:
1. Sex once a week. Wife initiates 1 week, hubby initiates next week.
2. No unilateral economic decisions - moving, job, toys, trips, etc. without *both* partners agreeing. That doesn't mean one partner deciding and then brow-beating the other into submission.
The above is just an example, you would have to decide which issues you want to emphasize. I would keep the list short and to the point.
If you keep sensing that you are playing the martyr role, look to see what you can do to change that. Even if it means examining your past and seeing what you could have done differently, so that you'll be more aware of it in your present. While he left you without financial support, unless I'm missing some key piece of information you could have claimed child support and he would have legally had to contribute to the children he helped create.
Do you resent him for going on and having a more "exciting" life than you had?
I can't say I "resent" him because I am the one that let him leave. I chose NOT to go after child support because I didnt want to HAVE to send my 2 daughters half way around the country on any given holiday. Plus I was more than able to take care of them without his money. I just had this thing...that I didnt want him in their life in the form of money....I would have never turned him away from them had he have chosen to see them but ...he didnt want to intrude on what he thought was a more stable life. The girls grew up loving thier father and respecting him despite his sometimes bad choices,
I have tried explaining the trust issue with H but he just doesnt get it....yet anyways. There are days when I just want to be stupid and do something, anything to break HIS trust so he knows how it feels. I just can't do it though. I love and respect him and our marriage to much to run off and find my "sex" somewhere else with someone else. Not in me to do.
I will try the list POV and see how that flies....right now something has to give....
Yes actually my ultimatum was and is about sex... I truly believe that our marriage and friendship is and can withstand all of the above stated issues... but sex has to be included in that.
What is the point of getting married and all....if it isnt to be able to have ALL of it. The emotional and physical bond that marriages bring. I might as well be living with a room mate right now.
