It has been awhile since I posted and my last one I believe said that things were looking up in my world, H and I had made some progress. Well, now that was about 3 weeks ago I believe and two days ago I said to H , " that there needs to be serious changes in our R by January or I am leaving....." And I meant every word I said....
BUT!!!! Now how do I go about allowing myself to accept and see those changes. I am so hurt and so disgusted with and by my marriage right now.
I would love to be able to go see a C , however right now financially we just DO NOT have the money to do that. I wake up every morning and read everyone's posts here and I have read SSM and PM.
I am trying to make changes within myself and find the things that must be lacking in our marriage...but no matter what I do..... it isnt good enough.
Any advice would be great...
Suzy.. Who isnt so sure marriage is all it is cracked up to be???
Did your H take you seriously? And what changes exactly are you expecting? Are you expecting him to do all the changing or are you going to work on making changes within yourself as well?
Quote: I would love to be able to go see a C , however right now financially we just DO NOT have the money to do that.
If it isn't too personal, may I ask where you are. Has your H separated from the AF yet? You may be able to get a low-cost/free C through the AF. I also know a very good one in my area who adjusts his fees to your sitch. There are times when he doesn't charge at all.
Yes he took me seriously. This is where it gets sticky... I have made a ton of changes, but unfortunately in my opinion , now I am not being true to myself. I have adjusted so much of my life around what H needs and wants, to the point of pushing my needs and wants aside.
It would take a month of Wednesdays to explain , and I really wouldn't mind if everybody doesn't mind reading LONG posts.
No he hasnt retired yet.....final work day is Dec 17th. We have been to a couple of counselors through the AF but unfortunately for me.... "I was putting to much on my AD husband ". These are the ones that put much of the "blame on ME".
Believe me I am not saying that I haven't been without blame.... I am and have taken responsibility for me contibutions. We are in CA.
AT this point in time seeing a C would have to be on the free end of the pay scale. We are working very hard on paying off all our debts before H retires and our S20 is still in college.
I think it's very important that you remain true to yourself, so I wouldn't go so far as to make changes that you feel aren't true to you. It's one thing to meet someone's needs but you need to find a way of doing it that's true to yourself.
May I ask...how do you feel you've changed that isn't true?
It also sounds like your husband isn't speaking your love language. Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that should help you both identify yours and his love language.
I am just not myself anymore....I don't feel comfortable being in my skin right now. I am a huggy, affectionate person. I have always tried to open my eyes in the morning and see my cup as half full rather than half empty. Even when I was 19 with 4 kids under the age of 2, I still was a happy camper....harried but happy.
I have ALWAYS awakened my children in the morning with a big smile and a kind and loving "Good Morning"... when H and I got back together I was the same way..... always looked at him in the "o-dark thirty" hours , smiled said good morning, i love you and drive careful. I am still this way with my sons but I find myself so distraught and angered over the destruction in my marriage that I just can't even fake happy with my H.
I was AGAINST his retiring at this point and time...and when we discussed it ...he talked (lectured) me for hours ( yes hours) explaining HIS POV ..after hours I just said "do whatever you want". Now mind you that was with the assurance from him....that he could pull his paperwork at any point and time and reenlist.
WELL...now 6 months later when he is now seeing that retiring was not a good choice for us at this time... he went to pull his paperwork and lo and behold the AF has to many people in his rank so.... they will not allow him to reenlist..... you know force reduction stuff....
My changes are that I say the things I would like to have happen, not happen... buy not buy...etc etc etc.... after (lectures) about how my choices arent the right ones ..I give in and he gets what he wants.
HE always gets what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it etc.
I know when all read this there will be many questions in regards to H's and my previous posts..... hopefully through diligence I will be able to explain things and people will be able to see things that I am obviously missing.
I'm sorry you're going through marital rough times, Suzee and financial difficulties are a particularly hard load to bear.
Regarding retirement/job/career, I come from a slightly different angle. I have always felt that the person in the career/job has the right to change directions without a lot of flack. That doesn't mean that I haven't expressed my opinion over the years regarding path changes, but it does mean that I figured that if NOP was the one dealing with the hours/responsibilities/pain who was I to push him to do something other than what he wanted? Oftentimes those choices were spectacular successes and other times they weren't. I hitched up my overalls and dealt with the bad times without b*tching - I enjoyed the fruits of his successes how could I not work with him through the hard times? I'm just personally uneasy being in a position of pushing for another person to dedicate 40+ hours a week of their life to something that makes their life suck.
Lectures blow chunks, unless you're in school and paying tuition. What sorts of things does he want that he is always getting in which you disagree?
You've mentioned going to C several different times and that they always end up blaming you. What are they blaming you for?
Quote: My changes are that I say the things I would like to have happen, not happen... buy not buy...etc etc etc.... after (lectures) about how my choices arent the right ones ..I give in and he gets what he wants.
Ah, so you cave and don't stand your ground...which, don't get me wrong here, can be very difficult to do. Have you told him point blank that you don't need to be lectured, but that you'd be willing to participate in a 2-sided conversation?
Oh...before I forget have you searched your area for United Way agencies? I helped a friend of mine in the past find counseling, she couldn't afford it either....the United Way has agencies that do provide counseling, they go off of income and are often free services
