1. when I say I'm going to get something done by a particular time and I don't!
I haven't had time to read step one again in DR...and I wanted to do that before posting...but let me throw some stuff out there to get the ball rolling and I'll revisit tomorrow.
NOTE: I wanted to reiterate what my goals are for this thread (can be completely different from other people's!). I'd like to apply DB'ing to how I feel about me...cause there are times when I'd like to "walkaway" from myself . I plan to focus the steps on my goals, etc.
I'm about to post some ASSumptions and I hope they don't freak anyone out...first off, I hope they don't come off as too melodramatic and secondly, I hope no one gets caught up in my drama (wow! I didn't think of THAT!)
******************* ASSumptions that need to be turned around:
1. If I mold myself into a "perfect" being then people won't leave me and I won't get hurt. This is further complicated by the "fact" that I'm trying to mold myself into MY ASSumption of what OTHER people think "perfect".
Well...fortunately or unfortunately, I cannot control suffering and loss through my actions.
Being myself -- true to my values and beliefs -- provided I live a life of insight and compassion -- is a far better way to attract love and others than trying to shape myself into something I am not.
2. If I seek to do things that are important to me, people will stop loving me or will leave me (this is partly based on my mother's begging me not to go away to college and partly based on this absurd connection that I have made in my mind that my studies somehow led to my h's EA)
See #1 It's not fair to myself or others to ASSume that molding myself into less than I want to be somehow creates a positive situation. Of course, I need to be conscious of the commitments that I have made and wish to honor, but no one is asking me to dull my "light"
3. I am somehow fatally flawed (and clearly have been forever) and am inherently unloveable -- otherwise my mother wouldn't have become a basket case, my father wouldn't have left and my h wouldn't have fallen in love with someone else.
Have at it! I am not responsible for the actions of others. I am 100% responsible for my choices, actions, behaviors, etc, but I cannot take responsibility for the choices and actions of others.
4. If I ask for what I want from other people, they will not give it to me.
If I ask for what I want from other people, they will stop loving me for being too high-maintenance.
If I take care in asking, I may or may not get what I want from others...and I will survive if others cannot provide me with what I want
5. I am boring, dumb, unloveable, not worth the time, less than other people. No one wants to be my friend or listen to my thoughts, interests, etc.
I have made this ASSumption and have therefore stopped sharing with people in my life because I fear boring them to tears. In fact, I am an interesting person with a lot to offer.
6. I don't know how to make friends. This is exacerbated by the fact that I am socially inept.
It's true that I tend to be an introvert. It's also true that I can be shy at times but I could make friends if I dedicated more time to it.
7. If I spend more time away from home/h, my DB'ing efforts will go down the tubes. This is based on the ASSumption that my outside interests were the death knell for my m.
QT is a big one for my h but I don't think he necessarily wants me by his side 24 hours a day. In fact, a bit more separatedness may make HIM feel more free to do things on his own.
8. I am everything that my h said during the bomb dropping phase
The bomb dropping discussions may have given some hints into areas I could improve but there's no way I'm THAT BAD!
9. I'm a failure at work. I'm a failure at M. I'm a failure at family relationships. I'm a failure at maintaining friendships.
I should probably break these up. I imagine these faulty ASSumptions could be broken up nicely into goals!
I'm sure there are more but I'm running out of time here!
****************** Early indications of what things make me feel positive:
* doing a good job at work * having fun with a friend * spending time with h * having h express love and enjoyment at being with me * accomplishing what I say I'm going to do * trying out new interests * achieving something that I wasn't sure I could accomplish * new clothes! * a job well done at home (cleaning, whatever) * balancing my checkbook * seeing my family (well, some of them) * exercising and eating right * meditating! * dancing * singing * yoga * going for walks * hiking * doing well in school * learning something new * cleaning my office/car * others????
I'll be back tomorrow!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
. I plan to focus the steps on my goals, etc.
If I mold myself into a "perfect" being then people won't leave me and I won't get hurt. This is further complicated by the "fact" that I'm trying to mold myself into MY ASSumption of what OTHER people think "perfect".
Well...fortunately or unfortunately, I cannot control suffering and loss through my actions. 
