HD... I kinda wanted the beautiful euphemism award, but I didn''t mean it that way. I meant that I don't do things that would rev me up sexually( like the wine/bath combo) because if I get myself "ready" and he doesn't follow thru, then I feel extra sucky, no pun intended.
Anyway...yeah HP, I think you try to analyze it all to make sense out of it...now I just analyze and realize none of it makes any sense.
Quote: I have noticed that the more I seem that I don't want anything happening, the more likely he will initiate. Because I don't want to be disappointed on a given nite, I don't do anything to support my sex drive( I know this isn't one of your issues) and it becomes harder to turn that around ( but I manage,lol). I will initiate every so often but not on a consistent basis since I am so bad with rejection.
and Honeypot wrote:
Quote: Honestly, if I never thought about sex, I would not have much of a sex drive. LD people might say that you need a strong sex drive to generate the thoughts in the first place, I don't know.
But for me, thinking about it and looking forward to it keep the feelings alive. If I were constantly forcing the thoughts away I don't see how I would be able to maintain a libido.
This is what is meant by "supporting your sex drive." MB-ing certainly supports it, too, but just thinking about it, anticipating it, looking forward to it, etc. also supports it.
I have been disappointed so many times that I've been pretty much "stuffing" my sexy feelings recently. Can't find them...
Honey, did you read my earlier post on the "self-control" issue? It was right before your "I give up" post, so you may have overlooked it.
Quote: See, my H doesn't actively think about sex. Ever. If a sexual thought comes into his brain, he stuffs it away pronto. This is not due to religious hangups so much as it is due to his "self control" issues.
HP,
I've invented a new psychological term just for your H:
Prostate-retentive.
Quote: Am I missing something? We ALL have expectations (btw, that is probably too strong of a term, but I can't think of the proper way to phrase it, so sue me ) of our mates so why does the expectation of sex cause feelings of pressure and fear? I don't understand that..
Is it because it is something that you have to SHARE? It can't be done alone? Meaning, he expects dinner..I cook it..but I do it alone; I am not having to be intimate and up close and personal with him while doing so.
Is it possible that he is afraid of the performance aspect? That he won't measure up? That he'll somehow fall short? If that's true, then his problem doesn't come from thinking of sex in terms of sharing, quite the opposite. It comes from thinking of sex as something he does to you, and can fail. Especially since he has no control over you.
Just wondering though. He sure is an oddball. I think he is an alien. But from a nice planet . He seems like a really nice guy.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Hi Solid, Just thought I'd respond to you since I've seen you around today. Yes my H is a wonderful guy. People LOVE him; he is very amiable and friendly and downright hilarious. My days with him are always entertaining and fun. I know I make him sound like a collossal bore but he isn't.
I don't think he has any performance anxiety, except that he feels he can't keep up with me. When we are doing it, though, I don't believe that he feels any sort of anxiety. Is that what you meant? Or just that he looks at sex as something in which he will potentially fail? That is an interesting thought. My H does not like to fail--ever. He is the guy working 100 times harder than anyone else and who pushes himself every day to live up to the standards he has set for himself. Curiously enough (or maybe not) these standards do not include sex, though I do believe that they include me in a vague-but-powerful way. That is, I know that I am the main influence in his life..his reason for driving home as fast as he can, if you will...but I don't think that there is a clear cut picture of what and how you provide emotionally for your wife.
I am rambling cause I finally have a couple minutes to myself, btw.
Oh and Lillie, I responded TWICE to your self control post saying, Yeah that's it sister...that's him in a nutshell!! and both times I had to erase it because life intervened. I finally gave up. But...you nailed him. Totally and completely.
Update on my life: Things are going well here. Not a lot of hot sex but I feel the dark cloud of pregnancy has finally lifted and it's about time! I still have issues with my H and our sex life but, for today, I feel okay with things. Not thrilled or blissed out of my mind, but ok! One thing that is VERY big with him is acceptance. He wants to feel accepted and loved for who he is and not who I wish he was. I want, too, to get to this point.
I do send out mixed signals to him because I just have not fully accepted that this is my fate in life--to have the world's best husband except...oops..he's a little lackluster in the desire dept. For example, last night he was snuggling up to me, spooning, and I lightheartedly asked him "So when do you think you'll be horny for me again?" (note: it sounds like pressure in print but he laughed and knew I was making light of things) He replied that he had actually been laying there thinking, Do I or don't I make a move on her...hmmmm.... I told him, You know..just knowing that you are wanting me is sometimes enough. I don't always have to have sex--just knowing you would LIKE to might be all we can muster up for each other these days!
Now, truth be told, when I got into bed I wondered if he would want to..then when I laid down next to him I wondered it again. Etc. But there is another truth that is just as strong and that is that I am one TIRED momma these days. I just do not have the energy to rev him up. Either he is or he aint.
Which brings me to my last question: So, we all know about the arousal-then-desire pattern. But my H confounds and confuses me. Last night, when I made the horny comment, I was asking because he was laying there with his erect penis nestled in between cheeks (we were both nude) and, despite that, I knew he wasn't all that horny. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS?
It appears that, with him, arousal doesn't even lead to desire!
Though when I mentioned him getting horny for me, then is when he came to life and started giving off "I will if you will" signals. At no time did he say he wanted to, he just indicated that he would if I wanted to.
I don't know how the tone of this post is coming across but I am in an excellent mood. Just throwing this question out for fun, really. He will probably want to ML tonight and I will most certainly go along with it. I do fervently wish (do you like my flair for drama, HD) that he could desire me, all on his own, with NO involvement from me. Surprise me with it, even. He does this every now and then but not nearly enough. And it has never--that I can recall--led to sex because he picks inopportune times to show it, so that it can't go anywhere.
Anyway, enough about him. Let's talk about something beautiful...the SSM baby! Here is an update on her: She is growing so plump and juicy and cute. I can't get enough of her. She has a very high pitched voice and, how sick is this, I love the sound of her cry. I mean, I don't want to HEAR her cry but when she does I find it so cute and endearing. Btw, she doesn't cry all that much--mostly when D2 is trying to maim her. She has lots of brown hair but it is falling out...her eyes are turning brown as well and she is starting to grow eyelashes and eyebrows so that does wonders towards losing the "baby is an alien" look. lol The kids have adjusted pretty well to her and our life is settling into a good routine. Oh she sleeps good--down at 9 and eats at 1:30 and 5:00. Not too bad for a newborn baby. She is starting to become more alert and really LOOK at things. Her eyesight must be beginning to sharpen up. She stares most intently at H..everyone else I suppose she is used to. She cannot take her eyes off of him when he comes home and is holding her. H is being his usual AOS man and helps me constantly with her. He still gets up in the middle of the night to change her diaper and hand her to me to nurse. I tell him not to but he does it anyway.
Life is not too shabby; hopefully after tonight's festivities I can upgrade it to pretty damn good!
Great post, HP. I especially liked the update on the baby. They DO look like aliens when they show up, don't they? Anyway, I wanted to comment on the weird arousal/desire thing you mentioned. You were both naked, he was erect, spooning, and...nothing?! I know of no other man . . . or indeed, any male creature, who would be in a situation like that and not "go for it." He is an odd bird.
I have a hearing in Des Moines on Thursday and Friday, so will be off-list for a while. Hope your life continues to go well.
Yes, indeed, a very nice post. I started to get all hot and bothered. You were so close... so close and yet so far.
We are in fact a honey family. Everybody calls everybody honey. Yes, my S4 calls me honey, despite my attempts to get him to call me papa or something. Actually, when my W is in a good mood, I might get upgraded to baby.
Honeypaul, indeed. We call each other Honey also...
Hey I wanted you to know that you inspired me to walk to to vote today, instead of drive. I read your morning post and thought, Yeah a nice invigorating fall walk sounds great! My earballs were freezing but otherwise it was very nice. My inlaws were kind enough to come over and sit with the kids while I did this so it was doubly nice to go for a walk and to not have 2 little ball and chains attached to my pant legs and one attached to my breast.
Honey, who's gonna put the kabosh on the Hot Dog in Buns move tonight unless it is clearly going somewhere.
) of our mates so why does the expectation of sex cause feelings of pressure and fear? I don't understand that..
. He seems like a really nice guy.
