NOP lady, you are correct. Until my H reaches the point where he thinks that loving me in the way I best receive it is more important than preserving his own sense of "self" we will stalemate on this issue.

Well, maybe that's not what she was saying at all.

I do know that I have asked him outright if there are any areas he would like for me to improve. I have also tried to finesse this information out of him, thinking that he didn't want to tell me outright. Every time his response is the same: "You are the perfect wife!"

Just in knowing him so well, I have started to make changes in how I approach spiritual matters. Last weekend he acknowledged this and thanked me for it. So I know that I am on the right track, at least..

Last night:
H was DB'ing me! lol
He got home from work, cheerful and humming and singing. I was cheery to him but somewhat reserved. Not wanting to withhold from him, but just feeling distant. When he sexually rejects me, my love starts to erode. After a while, I end up looking at him and thinking "Wait a minute! I don't want this guy; I'm not even sure I like him."

Nonetheless we had a pleasant night together with our kids. At bedtime, I was stalling SO bad. I couldn't face going in our room and knowing that he'd most likely initiate and I felt no desire for him. I was not in the mood to drum up any desire for him.

Sure enough, I went to bed and he began kissing me and being aggressive (for him). I didn't dare touch him because I suspected that this 'show' had not yet communicated anything to his squeezy bits. I finally told him that I had no desire right then and wasn't this ironic--now you had TWO people who need physical stimulation before they feel anything. How romantic!
At this info, he began earnestly touching the bits and BAM! he came to life. It was really strange. He went from putting on a somewhat realistic show to giving me the real thing--all from actual contact with the bits. Suddenly his desire was there (good grief, I would think SO...it had been a long time!).

I still couldn't give up my resentment (I should be in an R with my pal resentment since I seem to love it so much) and asked him if he had missed THIS at all.
He replied, "Yes..sometimes."

LOL

I swear this guy is a machine and not human.

Anyway, we did the deed and it lasted all of two minutes. We were both laughing while doing it, knowing that it would be short and sweet.

The discomfort was minimal, thank goodness. He was really worried about that. I think I did not realize how afraid he was of hurting me. I suppose if I had been the one to watch an 8 lb baby shoot outta there, I might feel nervous too.
But...you all know me...if something hurts, I am not one to lay there like a martyr and not say anything. I would have called a halt to the entire thing if it wasn't going well and he knows that. So that was his own little bit of neurosis kicking in.

One thing he kept repeating while we were getting started was "I just needed an icebreaker." Over and over. In the most insistent voice.
Afterwards, he repeated this line. I think it was his way of letting me know that he needed a way to make the transition from looking at me as the wounded mother of his child, to the healed red hot lover.

(insert screaming voice) Apparently me saying the words "I want to ML to you" were not enough!

Another thing he kept reiterating was that he needs physical touch to get his mind focused. That is, he doesn't think of me during the day, or find himself aroused just by looking at me because they are not also accompanied by touch. The touch could be as simple as a hug or kiss, btw.

I understand this but I also know that there are PLENTY of times when the physical touch doesn't work its magic that he is describing. In fact, I would say that there are actually 3 criteria: He has to have touch, it has to be the 'right' time, and his mind has to be somewhat at ease.

He is a PITA to have sex with, that's for sure.

This weekend I am going to bring up the schedule thing and see what he thinks. I'm sure he will resist it but I am going to push for a 30 day trial.

At any rate, we're back on the wagon. I hope to get back to where we were..I now realize that it wasn't perfect but it was pretty darn good!

Honey

P.S. Annette, remember that convo we had a loong time ago about how H buries the Victoria's secret catalogs deep down in the trash? Well, I've had one sitting on the counter in full view for 2 days and it's still there! LOL I'm not sure if that's progress or a coincidence..