I've had a great day with my kids and feel a little better.

Last night was a mixture of good and bad but mostly bad.

We had a nice night with the kiddos (CN, I went to my second WW meeting and lost weight, yeah baby).

We settled in to watch the Cardinals lose the WS and put the kids to bed.
Here are the positives:
1. I was sitting on a chair and H was on the couch. I had been nursing baby and he put her to bed. When he came back, he asked me to sit with him. I was delighted and went to him.
2. I stretched my legs out on him and he began stroking them, as well as one of my breasts. I knew this was his way of showing desire. He was making an obvious try at meeting my needs and I gave him my warmest smile I could muster. (didn't want to verbally praise him as we were both engrossed in the game and the last thing I wanted to do was start a sex talk) The warm smile was duly noted by him.

The negatives:
1. When we got to bed, he immediately turned his back to me, although he did scoot close to me.
2. He was snoring within 2 minutes.
3. He said that since we were watching the game, " We had decided not to ML and watch the game instead." I emphasized the We because, of course, there was no we..it was only him making this decision unilaterally--in his head--and not letting me in on the process.
4. He told me I was stuck on myself because I ask for reassurance, question why he does not desire me, etc.
5. He played dumb on several points and it was getting on my nerves. For instance, he said "I didn't even know you wanted sex tonight!" I replied that we had agreed to it the night before (where was he?).

There were more negatives but I will not rehash the entire negative experience and potentially bring you good people down with me.

Here is the bottom line for me:
I understand that he is LD. Like MrsNOP described in another thread, he experiences twinges that are easily ignored.

But there is another thought in my head which says that a man who has not had sex in 5 weeks should WANT HIS WIFE, I don't give a rip how he experiences desire. If not physical desire, then the desire to reconnect with his wife.

And, folks, my H surely needs physical release. He does not mbate, of this I am certain. I read this sometimes from other posters and think "oh bullcrap" but I can tell you that this is not something I even wonder about. He does not do it.

I go back and forth on his testosterone level. On one hand, I am sure it's fine. (he was tested yrs ago) He gets erections fine, has plenty of desire once we start, and he does not have any of the other symptoms of low T.
OTOH, I may press him to get tested anyway just to rule this out.

So back to my night. He was caressing my legs while we watched the game (he touched my breast also but it was the one I had just fed with and I couldn't feel a thing...baby makes it numb). I suspected he was turned on and yet not 5 minutes later he was sleeping. I don't get that!

He was, as usual, overly concerned with the time on the clock and when I pointed out that after 5 wks with no sex, I would expect that he would be so excited about the sex that the time wouldn't be THAT much of a factor. It was 9:45, btw. Late for us but not the middle of the frickin night either.

I also asked him what it would take for him to experience desire for me. He said, You mean you want me to think about f*cking you while I'm at work?! I've already told you I will NEVER do that!!

I said, No that is not what I'm talking about..I'm talking about just regular desire..the feeling of wanting me and then being inspired to show that to me somehow.

He answered without answering, if that makes any sense. Could put a politician to shame.

This morning he wrote me an email that said he is not sexually aggressive. He reminded me that on our second date, he was too shy to even sit next to me. We were at his house and we were sitting on separate sofas!
He said, If I was that much of a lameass then why would you think it would be different now? I am the same person!

I responded that I am certain that he WANTED to sit next to me, but was too shy/awkward to do it. The difference between then and now is that he does not WANT to "sit on the same couch" so the aggression is a moot point.

Folks, I am so tired of having a man SAY he does desire me and yet not want to ML to me.

If I am missing something here, point it out to me.

Here is one final and interesting thing:
He never read SSM but he wrote in his email today that if I want to see his desire that it will require "physical aid" from me throughout the day and encounter.

So it looks like he fits into the arousal-desire pattern, as well.

The funny thing is that he is only like this occasionally. It is not a constant thing, as it appears to be with the LDW's. Which is why I spend so much time overanalyzing, because he constantly keeps me guessing. There is no rhyme or reason to his sexuality, that I can see.

I cannot believe that my H doesn't want me.

Isn't that silly? It is probably as plain as day to you folks but every time I am confronted with it, I freak out! He is the man I love..if nothing else, I guess I expected that he would fake it just so as not to hurt my feelings.

I am tired of being disappointed and hurt and am REALLY ambivalent about going back to a sexual R with him.

Honeypot, the Lonesome Loser who still keeps on tryin'.