Journey, Thank you for the cocoa. You didn't have to put Bailey's AND Kahlua in it but my goodness it was delicious that way.
You are right in that I am desperately wanting to create a new reality with him. I keep having this defeatist attitude going on of "If he's not on board with it, then we'll go right back to where we were.."
Which, you know, was still pretty good. I think that was H's point somewhere in that monster post from up above. Our actual sex life is pretty good but the...flow, if you will...seems to go one way--from me to him. I need some reciprocity in order to feel good about jumping back into the mix and establishing a sex life with him again.
He and I continue to converse via email and it is going good. Sometimes email is a godsend to people like myself who can't edit myself worth a spit in a conversation but who can delete and re-write and re-think in written word.
This weekend I was really just losing it and H mentioned that I was "discouraging" him from trying, from wanting to be better, etc. I am such an encouraging person that it really bothered me to hear that. I am, and want to continue to be, his biggest fan. I hate myself when I get in these Emasculation Moods. I was going for the jugular and succeeding. Gotta stop that!
It is hard for me to HOM these days. Not doing a very good job of it at all.
Also I was deathly afraid that the "middle of the night hand job" from last week was a fluke and something that would not be mentioned. It was. I brought it up and he shut that convo down pretty quick. It depressed me and reinforced this view I have of H's sexuality that is probably not very helpful to our situation. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am RIGHT about this view but I can't change him.
The view goes something like this (and if any LD people care to chime in, I would appreciate that):
His desire appears to me to be entirely based on his body. It has NOTHING to do with me. If his body feels horny, he wants sex. If it doesn't, he doesn't. So there is no room for me to entice him or seduce him.
I have even noticed this with my LD sister in law. On the rare times that she talks about wanting sex, it is always because of something that has to do with HER..such as a new outfit or whatnot. It is never about her husband and, to go further, most of the things she says about him are in regards to how much he disgusts her. Now, things like new outfits get me going too but for the most part my desire is focused on him.
I see bits of that in my H--his desire does not come from seeing/watching/talking to me. It is kindof like this: He feels physically horny so the next time he is around me, he is reminded of why he desires me. THEN he thinks "Oh she really does it for me" or whatever.
So here is my question for the LD posters (whom we have more or less chased off:)
Does desire EVER precede arousal for you?
Is that a hard and fast rule, or a generalization?
I know it is not politically correct (politics of the board that is, lol) to say this but I really don't care for this setup! I want the desire and passion to come from our interactions with each other and not always be dependent on the level of sperm in his balls.
