I lost it this weekend, folks. Whatever tenuous hold I had on my sanity was thrown out the window.
I woke up Saturday morning in a bad mood. Just very angry and hostile towards my husband. I knew I was blindsiding him but could NOT stop myself from spewing out venom at him. The more he tried to placate me, the worse I got.
What started it was that I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting on Sat morning. I could NOT shake this "what's the use?" feeling the entire morning. While my H prefers me thin, it doesn't rev up his libido. I want to be healthy for my own sake but, I'm telling you, it completely sucks the motivation out of it for me to know that there will be no 'cheerleader' for me..no one to really give a crap about this accomplishment. Just someone who is curiously immune to me.
So I began picking on him about not caring whether I lost the baby fat or not. He let me know that he DID care and wanted me to be thin but that his "love does not fluctuate depending on what you look like". I felt like shouting at him, We're not talking about LOVE you idiot, we're talking about lust! but I didn't. I just didn't have the energy and, quite frankly, I get tired of having to redirect the conversation to what we both know we're REALLY talking about. MrsNOP is correct when she talks about the Euphemism Highway...but there is another road, an outer road, that the LD partner travels on called the Avoidance Road. Avoid sex talks at ALL costs, no matter the pain and destruction that is happening to the M. So here was H and I, both traveling to the same place (Craptown) but on different yet parellel roads.
For most of the day I kept trying to steer the conversation to where I really wanted it to go but I lacked the energy and balls to drive that train. For his part, he kept trying to turn it into a convo about physical fitness and how I am already skinnier than most women in our area. (I kept saying in response to this: "It's not that I think I look awful, it's that I am disgusted at the thought of getting back into shape and you not being enthusiastic about it.")
Nothing got resolved and the day ended.
Now, all this time......the real issue was lingering about in my brain. It had nothing to do with WW but for some reason I just couldn't spit it out to him. Sunday morning I woke up with a renewed sense of wanting to speak my mind, no matter what kind of lunatic he thought I was.
So I spoke up bright and early with this line to him: "H, I am very afraid to go back to our old relationship. You know the one..where we argued about sex all the time." MrHP: Then let's not go back to it. HP: Ha. It's not that easy. After all, what has really changed except that we now have MORE stress and distraction(another baby) in the house? MrHP: Well the easiest way would be for you to just not get mad about it. I mean, so we have sex twice per week instead of four times per week. What's really so wrong with that? HP: It's not the frequency that makes me upset. MrHP: Yes it is! HP: No it isn't. It is the fact that I always feel like you have to be talked into it; I never get the feeling that you want me. And, H, I need that feeling. MrHP: See, this is what makes me mad. You always tell me what's in my own head. I DO want you! Don't tell me what I'm thinking.. HP: I'm not telling you what you're thinking. I'm telling you what conclusions I've come to based on your actions and words--if I never see or hear about any desire, then how am I supposed to believe it exists? MrHP: But you just had a baby--what do you expect me to be doing? HP: I thought that it would be hard for you. I thought that I would finally get to see some horniness from you. I figured you'd be asking me how much longer, etc. H, I know it is so unfair of me to get these expectations in my head of how you will be..then get upset when that doesn't happen and blindside you with my anger. I really am sorry that I do that. At the same time, I am undeniably pissed. MrHP: What, exactly, are you talking about? Feeling you up all the time? Being crude? HP: No! I want you to be you but just to let me see this desire that is supposedly inside you, once in a while. MrHP: (confused) HOW do I do that? HP: Well, you could say it with words if you don't feel comfortable acting it out. MrHP: Look, you need to understand something--I am not like this. I never will be and you need to accept that. I am NOT that kind of guy.
That effectively ended the conversation.
Later on, we were on our way to a family outing and the following words burst out of me: "That SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say that I want a man who is capable of showing his desire, you say you will not be that man, and that's the end of it. I lose, you win. I have to stay married to you and "accept" the way things are and you don't have to stretch yourself at all. That SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He said, Well I guess I can try to be different.
That bought him about 3 minutes of peace. Then I told him that the reason I was continuing to be upset is that there is no resolution with this. I said I was afraid to go back to the old R and here we are..acting out the old patterns. Nothing has changed!, I said. He agreed. I asked what his plan of action is in regards to his 'change'. He had none and didn't know where to start. I looked out the window and said silent prayers to God that I would be able to be faithful to this man--something I am still doing this morning. I glanced over at H and see him mouthing "desire...desire..." while he's driving and looking perplexed. I started laughing cause, while this man totally p*sses me off, he is not a diabolical person who is trying to make me miserable. He truly cannot fathom showing desire. He doesn't think he's capable of it and really desperately wants that to be the end of that.
We talked some more, but not really getting anywhere. At one point he said, Look it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, it's warm outside, we have 3 gorgeous daughters, a nice house, a GOOD LIFE. What is the problem here?? WHY are you so miserable over the one tiny little thing that doesn't go your way? Can't you just look past this and be happy anyway?
Folks, at that moment, I wanted so badly to say YES. Yes, I can do that. I see his point completely. I have a good life--a great life, even--and H is the best person I have ever personally known. I want this to be enough simply because I love him. So my mind was in a terrible fight with my heart as I was wanting it to be enough, all the while knowing it wasn't. Right or wrong, it isn't enough. I want it all and I want it with him. I realize that, in the meantime, I am driving him away from me but I don't know what else to do.
Then in a classic fused moment I told him that it wasn't just me...that most women would react the same way I do--in the event that their partner showed no desire for them, but would have sex with them if asked, they would be lost. Women like to be pursued and desired. (I know that is an overgeneralization but I was on a roll) I told him that many times I felt like the 'man' of the relationship. He wants me to tell him when it's time to have sex, where to eat dinner, what day to take the car in for new brakes, ETC. I don't want that role and I'm no good at it anyway. At another point in the weekend, I flew off the handle at him because I was talking to him and D2 would scream every time I opened my mouth. She was standing right next to him. He did nothing. I spewed out a bunch of stuff about him not being a man and allowing her to treat me that way..it was despicable, blah blah. I really was horrible, I'm telling you. He does NOT make our children treat me with respect. OTOH, I am very firm with them that they respect their Dad and would never tolerate them doing that...screaming every time he opened his mouth so that they can monopolize the scene. I realize that I wasn't teaching them to respect him this weekend, with the way I was treating him either.
Finally, I apologized to him for ruining our weekend together and for my atrocious behavior. I told him that it might be due to hormones, who knows, it is a bit hard to see that storm when you are in the midst of it. He said, Oh I'm sure it's hormones but I also know that you meant every word of what you said. I agreed and said, yeah but it is the hormones that encourages it to all come OUT instead of staying where it needs to until I can say it in a nice way. So last night we went to bed. I was unsure what he would do but it turned out to be nothing. Then in the middle of the night, I snuggled up to him and he took my hand and placed it on his very hard member. I did nothing. Wtf is up with that? WHAT is that supposed to be? Is that desire for me, or what? I really don't want our first time post-baby to be a middle of the night jobber with no kissing, no foreplay, just rush-rush cause he has to leave for work in an hour...etc. I still am confused with that.
Why can't my own husband show me the desire that is in his heart? I don't get it!
At one point, he was telling me how much he loved me and he said "and not friendship love either." I asked what kind of love he was talking about and he replied, "I love you as my LOVER." In a very firm tone.
So if I am to believe him that it exists, but also believe him that he will not ever show it to me, where does that leave me?
I'll tell you where--in a boring and unfulfilling R. That type of setup is not sexy or alluring to me in any way.
At one time I would have been very Pollyanna-ish at this moment and thought, If it exists then there is a possibility that I will see it again someday!! But no more. If the best predictor of someone's future behavior is their past behavior, then I'm doomed. Even when I told him that I was going to leave, his Show of Desire was very short lived. He is a stubborn person and I fear that this is something I will have to learn to live with if I am to remain in this marriage.
Which leaves me with this:
Why can't I stop thinking about being with someone else this morning? It is driving me crazy. I don't want to be the person that I am being, at this moment. I want to be better than that, and yet I'm not.
