My H had an A. It was over for 1 year before I found out (OW called me). It has been 3 months since I found out and I am still feeling totally devistated by the betrayal. My H seems to think I should be able to move ahead (he says he wants things to WO and he loves me...) but I am still haunted by the A. I don't know if I will ever get past this. Divorce and Infidelity are 2 things I did not count on. He says that I was not attentive to his needs (and he is right). I just need to know I can trust him and his affection is real. I have done alot of reading, and if I had read the Sex-Starved Marraige years ago, things would have been different. How do I get past this?
I feel somewhat as you do. When I found out, it was supposedly 13 mo. after the end of the A. Yet, it was freshly printed photos of the OW that I found. What a slap in the face!
Be honest with yourself. Did H meet your needs adequately all along? Needs being met is a two-way street. It takes two to make or break a relationship.
I, too, am lost right now. I found out 2 mo. ago, and H is returning to many of the old habits he vowed that he would kick. I hesitate to start any type of conversation now, as I can almost expect some kind of flare up before it ends.
If you are certain that you want your relationship to be recharged, I would suggest reading The Five Love Languages. I believe it is by Chapman.
Please try to take care of yourself. Also, work on you. If you change, it is possible that the relationship will cnage also.
Welcome to the board! I'm glad that you found us. There's a great group of people here to help you through this.
It sounds like your H is ready and willing to work things out between the two of you. If this is true, than you are off to a fantastic start!
However, I know that it's really, really, really, tough to just move beyond what has happened, and for you to just "forgive and forget". "Getting past this" usually involves a lot of just moving forward, and working on making a brand new relationship together.
You mentioned that if you had read the SSM book years ago, things would be different. Now that you HAVE read it, what can you start doing different? What would you have changed, and what small changes could you start to do now? What were you doing when things wre going great with you and your H?
Again, welcome!! Keep posting, and make friends with the great people who are here!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
No, I don't think my needs were met. I remember he would try to talk to me about his needs and I would tell him about mine. Then neither one of us would give any. We are in a situation where H travels-and there is not much time for us. o I did not want to spend it arguing. I have indicated this travelling will have to end if things are going to improve. I can't trust him right now. I can't be mom, dad, wife, employee, and fix our marriage too. this has been my beef all along.
I have done alot of positive things since I found out about A. I got a new challenging job, started working out, bought some new clothes, etc. But when I stop, I have these terrible feelings that I am alone on Saturday night again. I just want to stop crying and asking how could you do this to me. I have already read the five love languages. In fact we spent 7 weeks at church dicussing them (my husband was not there) and I realized that I had not been loving him as he needed to be loved and stepped up to the plate. Things were improving, slowly but improving. Then after 6 months, I get the call from OW asking me if my husband had asked me for a divirce. I was floored, completely, and have been picking up the pieces ever since. I am a very private person, and other than a counselor at church, an DB, i have shared this with noone.
I found SSM almost immediately after finding out about the A. I realized that I was the low desire person and sex was not that important to me. However it was to my husband. I immediately let him know about the book and how it was as if they had been in our bedroom. He read some of it. I always enjoyed sex, but never felt a need for it. Right away, I made major efforts to spice things up and we have made love more times in the last three months than in the last eight years! I guess now I need him to do a few things to help me recover, but I get mostly words. I'm sorry, it will never happen again, ILU, etc. I need more. I told him flowers, perfume would be nice but he does not seem to get it. This has hurt me to the core and I don't know how to recover. When I read some of these posts I know I am "lucky", but I just don't feel that way. Thanks for the input.
