Quote: I only say this because relationships seem to come in all shapes, and I find myself constantly getting unglued over something that is in my head as 'ideal' behaviour, and turns out it does not even register with NG
Thank you, Slowly - for putting into words a feeling I think many of us probably go through often. And a good reminder that relationships do come in all shapes & sizes.
Quote: I do envy Ellie tho, NG is more like your guy, I'd be lucky to get one call a day, ugh. Though NG likes it when I call. Strange. I only say this because relationships seem to come in all shapes,
Slowly - I think some of it has to do with the introvert/extrovert thing. Extroverts recharge by being around people and find it draining to be alone; introverts find it draining to be with people and recharge by being alone. When my extrovert H travels, he needs to connect with me. When my introvert self is occupied, it doesn't cross my mind to call him - although I am happy when he calls me. One of the things I've had to learn is to break that pattern and start calling and emailing him during the day (before I didn't want to "bother" him - but guess what? HE likes it.)
So who are you - introvert or extrovert? And who is your spouse?
Quote: Extroverts recharge by being around people and find it draining to be alone; introverts find it draining to be with people and recharge by being alone.
Great point, Ellie - it makes such perfect sense when you write it out that way... No surprises here: I'm the extrovert, he's the introvert...
Wow, guys. I’m overwhelmed. I’ve been so swamped with work (end of project) and mired in R needs and negative feelings, I haven’t had the heart to come and post on my own thread.
Wendy, you are not at all being offensive or overbearing. That’s what I come here for – to get my fanny whipped into shape by people who can see my weaknesses better than I. And I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, I can be very needy and I yearn for reassurances, especially after having my trust shattered for so long by S. It is very hard for me to trust him, and therefore I tend to need constant attention. He hasn’t yet figured out (or he doesn’t care to) how to give it to me. And more important, I haven't figured out how to do without (or if I want to do without).
GBO, Thank you for your insight on that interaction. I tend to lash out with anger rather than pragmatism sometimes, and since I was free as a bird to go an pick him up, I should have simply agreed to do it and not weave in my upset at not having been called as much as I would have liked.
Which brings me to Ellie, who I must say irritated me at first with your list of phone calls from your H while he was away. No hard feelings now, but at the time I thought a “nanny-nanny-boo-boo” might have been appropriate after that post. Actually, I did have a call from S. every day, we just didn’t actually speak on those calls, and yes, I would have preferred follow-up calls, but I was as guilty of not calling as he. BTW, we’re both introverts (I’m just the needy introvert). And now the little irritation has turned into a pearl.
LnL, thanks for pointing out the List of Banned Behaviors. I sometimes forget about despairing; I usually stick by jealous and anxious, myself. But I realized today that I have been despairing – maybe mildly, but despairing nonetheless. And maybe it doesn’t have a damned thing to do with S. but with the fact that (as Betsey so astutely pointed out on someone’s thread) sometimes we are disappointed at someone else’s not taking care of us when we are in fact not taking care of ourselves. And I realize that I have slipped back into old, dependent patterns.
I hiked into the Sahara Desert for four days, by myself except for two dromedaries and a Bedouin guide! Slept on the sand and walked 80 miles! Why am I so freaked out when I’m actually in my element?
Merrick, my friend, you’re absolutely right that I’ve come a long way, baby, and for that I am infinitely grateful. I do need to be more on top of my triggers, and figure out why I am so insecure. I think insecurity is the biggest obstacle to my overcoming my old behavior patterns.
Mellanie, welcome to my thread! Thank you for stopping by. The more the merrier! I’m not so inclined to surrender my fate entirely to the hands of God, but mine is an equal opportunity thread and you are welcome (as you see by Merrick’s posts!) to put forth that opinion.
Slowly, you are pointing out a gem there, in that our partners are sometimes simply clueless and therefore cannot be properly blamed. S. is constantly “not registering” my ideal behavior, as well. I am trying to figure out if he is just meant to be alone forever, or if he can creak and groan a little every day toward a full partnership. I think the jury is still out.
H2H, as always, thanks for the visit. Thanks even more, though, for helping me get my swimmies on when I start flying off the deep end, and for being a ready support when I need it. Your e-mails today, while they did not prevent me from sinking into the big funk that is my Monday evening, did at least help me to nick SD’s duct tape for the night and just stay home. I don’t need to be around S. tonight, because the JAWS theme music would be heard in the far outer reaches of the BB, and I’m sure people somewhere are trying to sleep.
************** My half-hearted update is this: S. and I continue to struggle. We are getting ready for Vermont, for which we leave tomorrow night (same story, I pack the car, pick him up at work). I decided not to see him today, and he seemed perfectly happy about that. I think I’ve exhausted him lately, as he has me. I am just going to avoid all R talk, at least until after TG, and then let it wash over me calmly if it does arise. I’m taking my yoga stuff, so at least I’ll have an escape. Also, we’re taking my kitty, since the couple I live with are going away, too! So I’ll have my big fat kitty to escape to when I feel like biting off S’s head.
We had a reasonable discussion Sunday morning about R stuff, which I am simply too exhausted to go into here. Suffice it to say that I felt a little validated – one thing he said was that he’d “paid an emotional price” with me before over something that he couldn’t figure out how to do (something I needed from him). He sounded at the least compassionate about it.
Actually, I did have a call from S. every day, we just didn’t actually speak on those calls, and yes, I would have preferred follow-up calls, but I was as guilty of not calling as he. BTW, we’re both introverts (I’m just the needy introvert). And now the little irritation has turned into a pearl. 
S. is constantly “not registering” my ideal behavior, as well. I am trying to figure out if he is just meant to be alone forever, or if he can creak and groan a little every day toward a full partnership. I think the jury is still out.