J - just a reality check - if my H went out of town and communicated with me that little, I'd be mad. H always calls me every day when he's gone - usually more.
Another reality check - my h just called me. He left around 9 last night, took a redeye flight to Florida, worked today, and is flying in tonight. So far, he called me 1) from LAX last night 2) text messaged me when he arrived in Florida this AM (he didn't realize the beeping of the phone would wake me up at 4 am!) 3) called me later this morning 4) called me when he arrived at the airport this afternoon 5) called me just now from the airport in Dallas - and told me he can't wait to see me tonight
Now - I know he's far from the norm - but there ARE guys like him out there.
Hmmm...wonder what your guy would do if you left out a copy of "He's Not That Into You" on your copy table - think he might get a clue and step up the pace????
Sorry to hear you had a rough time of it J. . . . I hope the weekend gets better and you can get back that clarity I saw you had the last couple of days posting around the BB.
Just another reality check when SO travelled I usually heard once a day, but not always . . . We did go through a little struggle in the early days of our extensive business travels until we sorted out that we needed to leave flights & hotel information before either of us left on a trip. With the rise of email, calls became less frequent (also because I was usually in a time zone 10 to 13 hours ahead) and emails became more prevalent. The details don't really matter, what I want to say is that you can work out these details and let S. know what you would like without it becoming a major battle.
How can you be so clear on everyone else's threads (and you really are!) and clueless on your own? Ahh, that's the rub with this stuff.
Jennifer, can you break this down at all? I mean, break it down by time or type of interaction. Set yourself a goal of one day without being a shark, of being accomodating (or not) even when you are annoyed. I mean, with the car thing, you could have said "Yes" or "No, I can't, I'm sorry" and both would have worked better than what you said. No whacks, you've whacked enough....just to point out that the bad moments are NOT in saying yes vs. no--you still get to decide all this! But in how you conveyed it, coming out kinda sideways.
I'm really tired now, but I want to think about this and come back to this in the morning. I think it's important. You have a great opportunity here with S. So let's tackle what's not working, and also celebrate what is.
From a recovering shark who still snaps sometimes, GBO
I've now caught up with your sitch. Before I even came across the comment about you being more spot on with me than with yourself, the thought occurred to me big time that you have a blind spot when it comes to your own sitch.
It looks to me as if your need for reassurance makes you lose the plot. I hope I'm not being offensive in saying that. I'm guilty of that in my own way all the time. It's just that I do it a bit differently so I can see where you go wrong more clearly.
I've also been in relationships with people who came across as needy and I'm really allergic to that. I'd much rather be the pursuer than the pursued. Your actions would make it harder for me to feel loving towards you in that they seem so needy.
I've initiated many late night conv in my time and I hope I've learned not to do the thing of initiating convos at a bad time. I did call H in the middle of the night after he dropped the bomb. That phone-call did not help our R. Apart from that major slip, I do not wake up my H in the night or keep him awake because I KNOW it won't help.
Could you do something else in those times when you're desperate for reassurance and connection? What about logging on here? Doing some yoga stretches? I go and smell my children and lie next to them for a while while they are asleep. All three smell completely different but exquisitely beautiful. Having them to smell at night makes it all worth it. What about just sitting with the longing for contact and seeing where it goes?
I think you need to become more robust and self-reliant when it comes to your need for reassurance. God, I hope I'm not coming across as know-it-all and insufferable! Please, anyone reading this, tell me if I am. You would be doing me a favour.
The thing is you see it all so clearly in other people's sitches. I can't tell you how invaluable your feedback is to me. It's interesting how what you say to others and even your reflections on your own sitch are so much more helpful than your own behaviour with your S. Maybe that's pretty normal.
To use the jargon we use in S5's home programme, you need to generalize your skills to your own sitch. They are in your repertoire already. As I think about it more, that isn't completely accurate. The contingencies are very different when it comes to your own sitch. The main variable being that you are probably not feeling needy when you are reflecting on situations as opposed to being in them.
I know you can do it!
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Quote: I go and smell my children and lie next to them for a while while they are asleep. All three smell completely different but exquisitely beautiful. Having them to smell at night makes it all worth it.
I just loved that. I too can't get enough of drinking in the smell of D9. I was once sent a fun questionaire where you had to asnwer questions about your favourite things, like icecream flavour? fizzy or still water? broccoli stalk or stem? etc etc, supposedly to give your friends some further insight into your soul! Well, I answered the question about favourite smell with "my D's cheek" and I know that took my then unmarried friend aback!
Also, the stuff about being so perspicacious with others' situations but not in our own is so true! Not that we can't always see how to behave, but when you are IN the feelings - of being anxious, jealous, despairing etc, it is harder to act in the most 'productive' way.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
DBing is a lot like preaching the Gospels, there's a pretty good formula as to how one should live their life, but it sure is hard given our fallen nature.
Just by what you tell others shows that you are on the right path and have a good understanding of what you need to do. That's half the battle. But just as we know that God will forgive us if we fall short of the seemingly impossible standards Jesus articulated for us, you should be able to forgive yourself when you fall and understand that DBing and internal transformation is a lifetime and ongoing process.
For some of us, getting there is easy and requires only a little bit of mental discipline. On the other hand, some of us may struggle mightily to change a lifetime of habits. And even some more of us may require medical help because we have physically-generated weaknesses that trigger our worst impulses.
And unlike the Gospels and Faith which promises us the unseen reward of eternal life, unless it is truly for yourself, at the end of the day DBing may never reward us with the R we want with the person with us now. That makes it even tougher. Nonetheless, despite your recent backslides, I'll bet you see yourself doing things you never imagined possible just a few months ago. On that, I'm more than happy to be a barking seal. Just keep thinking and keep track of your "bad" triggers and think about ways to stop them. And in you can indulge me in a bit of evangilization, you may even want to ask God for his advice on what kinds of things can help!
But just as we know that God will forgive us if we fall short of the seemingly impossible standards Jesus articulated for us, you should be able to forgive yourself when you fall
I heard this on the radio today, it's so true isn't it?
And no matter what our shortcomings, Jesus has forgiven much greater sins.
I am so appreciative of this group of ours. It helps me through each day. Thanks everyone.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I'm just wondering how your week-end went. I really hope that my last post didn't sound critical. I really meant it to be helpful.
I do think that your insights are so exquisite that it is mainly a matter of time before they become the foundation for your own actions.
I was thinking that there is also a huge gap for me between my appreciation for your feedback and my ability to put it into practice. Basically, I'm in the same boat as you except that the wonderful insights come from people like you rather than from myself. Please, don't stop telling me what you see in my sitch even if I'm not great at following through. I want to keep learning.
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Hi Jennifer - Oh what a trying set of days, for so many of us. I wonder if it is in the stars, or just the looming holidays and all that they entail
I do envy Ellie tho, NG is more like your guy, I'd be lucky to get one call a day, ugh. Though NG likes it when I call. Strange. I only say this because relationships seem to come in all shapes, and I find myself constantly getting unglued over something that is in my head as 'ideal' behaviour, and turns out it does not even register with NG
