I have nothing much to update, except that after the initial two phone calls (from airplane seat and then from friend's house when he arrived), I have not talked to S. He called the morning after his talk to let me know how it went. The VM was OK - not really tender or loving but as though he were talking to a friend. He said the talk went "pretty OK," he "thinks it was alright," things like that. Afterward, he went out with his friend (a professor at the univ where he spoke) "and [pause] a graduate student." I was laughing (a little bitterly, I admit) that boy, are they dumb. Whatever, so I haven't made it safe for S. to tell me that he was hanging out with yet another 20-y-o woman? OK, I can accept that. I told H2H that the worst-case scenario is that she was cute, and S. flirted with her. I can handle that!
So I didn't call him back right away, which in hindsight I should have done. I waited until late, when I'd gotten home from the office and moved the cars and had something to eat, and by then it was 11:15 his time and his phone was turned off. I left a VM and haven't heard from him today (when he comes home).
I admit, I'm disappointed he didn't stay in more contact while away, but I can't be too disappointed because of our interactions before he left. AND, technically, I should have felt perfectly comfortable calling him whenever I wished. I'm realizing that by waiting for him to make the move and call all the time, I am giving him the impression that he has all the power and I have to crouch around and wait and hope for the crusts of bread he deigns to toss down.
Anyway, I'm feeling the crunch of pre-TG preparations, and a lot of work-work to do before we go to Vermont (the final book of my big project goes to the printer in mid-December! yaaaaaaaayyyyyy!). I think I'll take the opportunity to be a little dark, get my work done, see some friends I haven't seen in a while, and get my house in order.
Something I remembered from our late-night talk, that I think is important:
* S. said he is always feeling pressure from me to go out and do things. (This goes back to the party girl image, and he apparently hasn't let go of it, and so there is work to be done there to shore up my homebody image.)
H2H, you are right that I realized while we were talking that S. wants to talk about the R but feels there isn't a safe space yet. I remembered a talk S. and I had months ago about safe spaces, and to him this means lots of good-will-building activities (watching movies in bed at night is big for him). This is why, when I thought we should be talking after dinner in Vermont, he was asking me if I wanted to watch a movie. He was trying to create a safe space to talk, after the initial hard days we had there (bickering, etc.). At the time, I was annoyed that he didn't want to talk - I thought he was avoiding talking by wanting to watch a movie. Now I see what he was trying to do.
He kept saying during our late-night talk "I am talking right now because I know you want to talk, and because I am awake." He was trying to communicate, "I am exhausted and need to get some sleep, but you obviously have a lot on your mind and I want to be here to listen to it." I trust that. Boy I need to get to work on creating that safe place, on his terms, not mine. HE'S the one who needs it - a safe place for me is any ol' time I feel like opening my fat mouth!
I just have to remember to keep a little dark this weekend, as my instinct is to hang out with him as much as possible (since he's been away). We are going to Vermont for 5-6 days on Tuesday or Wednesday, so it is my job to create some longing on his part so that when we get to Vermont, he isn't already sick of me! I also think he needs some space to think on his own - because I think he was reacting to me badly earlier this week and probably has some issues to sort out. I'd much rather have him over-reflective than on-the-spot "I'm angry at you because you haven't given me any space to think."
