New Thread, New Me, New R

[Underdog]

Jen,

I'm not going to respond to the content of the message because it sounds as though there might be a message you're mulling over? I figure this because if it wasn't, you wouldn't have posted an e-mail here as food for thought for further discussion? I'm not sure, and this is definitely a guess.

But I've found throughout the years that there is something to an unsolicited male opinion. Particularly one who might be considered a friend or at the very least, someone who cares. I've been fortunate enough to have some wonderful men who have delivered messages to me that they knew were bound to bother me, but they considered themselves friends with a stake in my happiness.

That has particularly been true here on the BB. But I just want to reaffirm my thoughts on this subject with a story. It isn't meant to draw any parallels or get you to think I'm trying to give you a template to transfer to your own sitch. It's merely about the truth of an opinion provided by the opposite sex. After all, who knows men better than other men? (And the reverse is true too.)

I was madly in love with the boyfriend I had before Mr. W. I worked as one of few females on a very large DoD project in Silicon Valley--surrounded by males (which is where I met Mr. W.). I had followed said boyfriend there from VA--we had a very dramatic meeting on a water taxi on a gloomy firth in Scotland, and it was kismet and love at first sight for both of us. This propelled me to take lots of risks and chances.

After about a year, I became a little uneasy. I was VERY attached to him, though. Very unhealthily attached, I might add. I began to morph myself into the ultimate career woman. At T's urgings, I entered and was accepted into an MBA program at a local university.

I worked out like a fiend to keep my stylish figure. And I found out that the friends I was making weren't exactly the ones I had been attracted to most of my life. Something made me uneasy about all of that stuff, but I wasn't willing to accept failure as an option. I saw getting him to marry me as my ultimate challenge. After all, everyone used to tell us how cute we were together and how ideally suited we seemed to be. My female friends were especially taken with our "how we met" story. It was the stuff of fairy tales. But all I really wanted was to get married and have kids. I was 27, and I was ready.

But my male friends had a different opinion. Half of them were married, and the other half not. Every single one of them told me that T was not right for me. One of my married male friends finally took me to lunch and commented, "Betsey, he seems to be in love with the idea of you, and not YOU. I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall and think that your next acquiesing move in his favor is going to work out in yours. It's just not gonna happen. He's not a bad person, Bets. But he's not the right one for you. Think about it."

Enter Mr. W. (who also became a friend at work). One day, he called me and asked me out bowling. We were both on bowling leagues and that was my night to bowl, so I asked him to come up and watch. He considered this our first date; I considered it just hanging out.

He later told me he considered it our first date. Which is when I asked him how on earth he had the chutzpah to ask me out, given the fact that I had pictures of T and me with him all over my desk? He smiled and said, "If you can't see by now that he isn't the right guy for you, I don't know what it will take. I'm not worried about him."

By then, I started taking a good hard look at myself, what I wanted and who I wanted to be with. I was amazed that the answer had been within all along. Much to both of our surprise, I broke up with him. Jennifer, our breakup was miserable and forlorn and it left both of us angry.

A few years ago, when we headed back to the Bay Area for my 40th birthday, T had dinner with us (as a family). He was married and his wife was expecting their first baby. Mr. W. took the girls back to the hotel so he and I could have some coffee and catch up.

He blew me away with quite a few things I had not known previously--it had been 10 years since we had seen each other (and we still keep in touch now). He ended up confirming that everything my male friends had told me was right.

Ironically, he married someone awfully close to my former personality and who is a career woman and stylish and bossy. She is well educated and seems to have her act together. However, he was fighting some internal battles in his marriage.

The primary battle was that he seemed to have that type of standard in his head for marriage. Not many women can fill those shoes AND be the kool aid mom he ultimately wanted her to morph into. When we last spoke, he was mentioning things that led me to believe he was a little disillusioned that she wasn't becoming the person he wanted her to be. Well, really, how does ultra career woman just drop that part of herself and become Mrs. Mom?

It took me a few nights of mulling this over to finally see what my male friends had seen all along.

My male friends here also told me things about Mr. Wonderful's state of mind that are now obviously true. The truth can't hurt anyone, Jen. What I found out hurt the most was when I refused to see what others whose opinions and perspectives I cherished were pointing out.

Even though T and I are friends now, for the life of me, I can't imagine myself married to him. He's wonderful and intelligent and giving (and extraordinarily handsome to boot), but not right for me. Lucky for me that I figured out how to have balance by being a career woman who is also a kool aid mom. I love both of my jobs, but my family comes first.

So that's my two cents worth on a male opinion. I'm not saying that you should take others opinions as your own. Just consider them when you feel like all the puzzle pieces aren't fitting correctly. Then just mull over some more.

I hope you're not too disjointed by any of this stuff. You seem like a really lovely person--talented, savvy, educated, well-traveled, and with great social graces (yes, good manners rank very high with me too). You're also fun, passionate, sweet and willing to work hard.

Make sure you give yourself EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) you deserve. Never less. Whatever that might be.

Hugs.

Betsey