How does S. perceive me? What are some truths and myths?
1. I’m a spender, not a saver. 2. I am emotionally volatile. I cry “at the drop of a hat.” 3. I want to be a “party girl”; I never want to stay at home. 4. I want to travel, at the expense of making a nest. 5. I don’t respect his time boundaries. 6. What he has to offer isn’t enough for me. 7. It is impossible to make me happy. 8. I am “intimidating.” 9. I can be condescending when I argue.
What can I do to dispel the myths and work on some of the truths?
1. I’m a spender, not a saver. (T, slowly becoming F)
History: One of S’s biggest concerns is that he won’t have enough. He has scrimped and saved and made wise financial decisions ever since he had two pennies to rub together. He admitted that finding out about my debt was so shocking to him that it caused him to seriously consider leaving me. Last October (2003), we made a plan to get myself out of more than 40K of consumer debt and re-establish my credit. I followed the plan diligently, reducing my debt to less than 9K in one year and additionally putting aside more than 10K in savings.
Action point: Continue to save, and be more transparent with my finances – ask him for help with planning, which he loves to give. It makes him feel more secure, and allows him “expertise validation.”
2. I am emotionally volatile. I cry “at the drop of a hat.” (T, working on it)
History: I do cry very easily – always have. I am extraordinarily sensitive, and tend to “tune up” at very little provocation. This is disturbing to S., who says that “tears symbolize crisis to me, and to a certain extent I have become inured to your crying.” S. has a history of emotional volatility with his father, with whom he had a severely damaged relationship (one that was not repaired before his F died five years ago).
Action point: Continue to work on not taking things personally. If I can really listen, and HEAR what S. is saying to me, rather than projecting, “He doesn’t love me…” I can overcome the raw emotion that wells up when he is telling me something that doesn’t necessarily live up to my expectations or assumptions about how the world works.
3. I want to be a “party girl”; I never want to stay at home. (F, with caveats)
History:When we met, I was drinking and going out a lot. I was dressing to kill every day, and going to all manner of arts functions (with dinners and lots of wine afterward). He often saw me coming home from having been out, and my ostensible MO at the time was using him for sex after I’d been out with my “real friends.” I’d call him after midnight from a cab, tipsy or downright drunk, and go to his house to have sex and sleep. Meanwhile, I never introduced him to any of my friends. He saw this as the exotic and fashionable and volatile me, someone who wasn’t giving him the time of day. Truth was, I was hurting a lot from being alone, and called him out of a sense of safety. He was my warm arms to go home to, because I didn’t want to go to my own cold, empty house alone. Now, when I want to go out as a means of spending QT with him, he sees it as “always” wanting to go out. I DO love to go out. But I DO love to stay home and cocoon.
Action point: Continue reinforcing my homebody tendencies. Instead of waiting for him to suggest watching a movie, suggest it myself. Only suggest we go out if it’s an occasion, or when I do want to go out just to eat, make it sound like a special thing, rather than something I’d be doing every day if I could.
4. I want to travel, at the expense of making a nest. (T part A; F part B)
History: See above post for travel history. No need to say more there. I DO love to travel – I just want to do it with him, and make it a part of our lives as much as a stable home.
Action point: Be more vocal about my desire to settle down and have a nice house and raise a family. I have done this recently, and he seems to respond well. When talking about traveling, make sure he knows it is NOT at the expense of settling down, that I see a balance.
5. I don’t respect his time boundaries. (T, have been working on it, but really just now “getting it”)
History: See above posts on validation; I tend to whine and pout when he wants to get up – I need attention in the morning and so I usually want to lie in bed a little longer than S., who is straining to leap out of bed at first eye opened. I keep conversations going long after he wants to stop in order to get ready to go somewhere, and I have made him late on many occasions because I wouldn’t shut up. I tend to force conversations when there isn’t enough time to have them, and often would get furious when he said it had to wait until later.
Action point: Keep doing what I’m doing, which is getting it with a big fat DUH and shutting my trap.
This is fun! More later!
