Thanks, guys - nice to have the validation myself !
So something you posted over on Pamila's thread made me stop short, GBO. I posted a little about it there, but I want to talk about it as it might relate to S. over here.
Quote: I read an interview with Shirley Glass in which she said that some people who have difficult childhoods marry stable, rooted partners but then go back later in life and find a more volatile person to resolve the issues of feeling unloved by such people (like their parents).
S's parents were very stable people - both scientists with academic careers, long-time married, bought a piece of land and built a house on it and stayed there for 35 years (until S's father's death). As I type, I realize that his father WAS volatile - had outbursts of emotion when things didn't go his way - and often screamed at S. and his sister. He was never physically abusive, but very emotionally so ("You never do anything right," "You're so careless," etc.). S. grew up learning to lay low, not to rock the boat, and to fear contact with his father.
So I wonder if (a) S. was attracted to me because at the time we met *I* was volatile (drinking a lot, going out all the time, dressing to kill every day, etc.), or (b) he somehow, through the alcoholic haze, saw my inner stability (a homemaker, a family person, someone who wants to nest). Certainly, OW is not volatile, though she is "exotic" (if you call a German living in Switzerland exotic ). I wonder, in fact, if OW is much more stable to S. than I am. She is a psychiatrist, has a stable job (I have always been more or less a freelancer), saves her pennies, and, after all, is German (which spells order and stability to S. as that is where his dad's side of the family is from - the Pennsylvania German family of austere, simple folk).
S. remarked to me once (after our one disastrous therapy session with my SBT), that my T had said something like "Don't you ever smile?" (which was a weird thing to say, in retrospect) after T had made a joke to diffuse the concrete-thick tension in the room, and S. didn't crack a smile - anyway, S. remarked that it was telling that T picked up on that, that with all the volatility around him, S. was retreated back into his shell so much that he couldn't smile at the joke. He said he read that it was a symptom of volatile childhoods that people were very serious all the time, for fear of letting their guard down with a smile or humor.
Huh. This post ended up in a very different place from where I thought it would when I started it!
*** Did not hear from S. all day yesterday, or last night. Went to bed, no word from him. Rare, but I'm sure he was taking cave time after the 5 days in Vermont and the weird intimacy thing yesterday morning. I'm annoyed, but hey, did I call? Nope. So I have nothing to complain about.
Back to the cheerful, devil-may-care me. The weekend should prove interesting as my friend/H has out of town company and I offered my room - so I will be staying at S's for the weekend. Of course, I often stay there, but this will be more like living together for the weekend. He has to work on his presentation (he leaves Tuesday), so lots of opportunity for QT (S-style working together - he on one thing, I on another, but together). AND lots of opportunity for validation (showing his time is precious, showing I support his going away to give the talk by giving him time/space to work, showing continued interest in it, AND getting out of his way).
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). I wonder, in fact, if OW is much more stable to S. than I am. She is a psychiatrist, has a stable job (I have always been more or less a freelancer), saves her pennies, and, after all, is German (which spells order and stability to S. as that is where his dad's side of the family is from - the Pennsylvania German family of austere, simple folk).
