It’s hard to go away from the BB for any length of time, because you end up with these massive posts and you haven’t said all there is to say! So, I continue with the catch-up, starting from last night’s theater and subsequent conversation.

I mentioned this elsewhere, but I remembered after I posted my last update that S., after feeling my full-on respect for two days, was falling over himself to court me again. This is what I’ve always wanted, to feel “taken care of,” to feel a little “fawned” over or doted on (as a woman), and to feel special, especially when we’re out among friends.

I noticed last night that S. was leading me through the crowds after the theater with a strong arm around my waist, that he was extra attentive about walking me around sidewalk grates (in my heels, which he has learned), and when we got to the restaurant, he pulled out my chair, which he rarely does and which he had also done at the dinner at his mom’s complex. Then, when we were leaving, I was taking my coat off the rack, with my back to S., and he said, “Is that your coat?” and reached over me to get it in order to hold it while I put it on. I gave him a big smile and he beamed.

So this morning, after feeling very connected and close and ML last night, he woke up and reached over to snuggle a little, making sure to wait the allotted few minutes before stating his intention to get out of bed. Not wanting to appear as though I wanted to hold him there, I said “OK” as cheerfully as I could muster in my morning haze. Then, because he was still lying there, I started to snuggle against him and touch his body (nonsexually).

I could feel, however, that he was starting to get aroused and we ended up engaging in foreplay, which I was encouraging at this point but he seemed very slow, maybe reticent, to engage in. So I felt he was probably detached because he wanted to get up, and I eventually said (because he didn’t seem to be really engaged) “What’s going on over there? It seems like you’re somewhere else.” To which he immediately pulled away and got defensive and asked what I meant. Turns out he was just really enjoying the moment, and he felt I was accusing him… I admit I didn’t phrase it very well, but I really hadn’t meant to be anything but inquisitive.

So it turned into a misunderstanding by which I felt rejected and he felt accused and misunderstood, and especially since I had initiated the sex and we didn’t follow through, I felt terrible (issues with initiating and profound feelings of rejection on the RARE occasions when we don’t have sex when I initiate – please no advice on this).

I was there feeling very upset and traumatized, and S. was feeling very defensive and detached, and Prince Charming suddenly shows up and says, “You know, we should talk about this. There’s no reason we should feel so hurt and confused when we’re obviously enjoying a very intimate moment together. We should try to straighten it out so it doesn’t happen again.” And I wanted to leap out of bed and knock him down with affection. (I didn’t. )

So, because we always say “we should talk about this and that” and never do, I asked him if he had any ideas on how to actually talk about it rather than just say we’re going to, and he said we should make a time when we’re not doing anything else, like preparing a meal or eating a meal, and get together and give ourselves a few hours to talk about some of these things. So we’re going to do that in the next 4-6 days.

As he as leaving, I said after him “Wait. I just wanted to thank you for turning that into a productive conversation. I was feeling very upset and rejected, and you turned it into something positive. I really appreciate that.” And he smiled as much as he could for someone who had just been made to feel bad for getting out of bed, and he went on home to get ready for the day.

I can’t tell all of you how relieved I am that our R has reached a point where I feel we’re both, equally, making an effort to address our issues. I have been feeling much the heavy lifter (though my posts belie this a little with all my stomping around and pouty faces), and I am so grateful to have my loving S. who is really (really! and I’m starting to believe it!) making an effort to address my feelings.

Positives from the last week:

+ He gave in and overcame his issues to sleep in the new bed because he knew I wanted to.
+ He validated my cooking over and over, thanked me profusely, and told a friend over the phone in my earshot that I had just cooked us a “delicious, I mean really tasty, absolutely delicious meal.”
+ He wanted me to come out with him and the forester to walk the property – something I would have thought he’d want to be a “man’s” thing – and told the forester that “Jennifer and I” have been doing this and that (out in the woods).
+ He talked to me a lot about his forest management philosophy and asked for my validation on his decisions.
+ He was SO absolutely excited to be able to “show” me the Northern Lights and be there for my first experience seeing them. He was giddy, and very affectionate as we watched them.
+ I was able to ask him with genuine interest, and with no hard feelings, about his upcoming talk, which he gives next week in Illinois (remember, this was the business trip I was uninvited to). He was very excited to talk about it and went on about it for over an hour. I asked good questions, and was able to be very proud of his ideas and validate them. He clearly loved talking to me about it.
+ He was in “courting” mode after a few days of feeling loved by me, which is EXACTLY what I have been missing in our R – that special feminine feeling.
+ He was able to diffuse a potentially bad situation this morning and make me feel loved and important.

Thanks for getting to the bottom of another long post!

Jennifer

shameless plug for my NEWEST thread