LnL, H2H, Anne, thanks for stopping by! I have more to tell, but I thought I’d catch up to this validating theme we seem to be having on several different threads. H2H, I’ve quoted you from Betsey’s thread as well as from mine. Ways we invalidate our partners:
Quote: - Calling at work to discuss small things and then getting upset when he said he was busy. Falls under: not respecting his job. This can be lumped into a more general category of bringing up things at the wrong time and/or wrong place and not respecting his feelings on that - or not accepting that he has a different preference for the time/place/topic.
Oh, boy. Let me add to that: Not respecting his time boundaries and pouting when he wants to get up and get moving in the morning. Forcing the continuation of a conversation when he is trying to get ready to do something else and has indicated that he wants to stop talking for now.
Quote: - Finishing sentences, rushing him along, generally not allowing him to speak in the conversational style he is comfortable with. (Which is W-A-Y to slow for me...).
I hear you. S’s manner of carrying on a conv is WAY too slow for me, too. There are often long pauses where I don’t know if he’s moved on to thinking about something else, or if he is still thinking about what I said. Often, the pause is so long that I’m not sure he even physically heard me. This falls into the category of not respecting his own rhythm of speech, though I have to admit it drives me BONKERS when I say something and (literally) three minutes or more go by without as much as a peep from S. And often we talk while one of us is doing something else, like preparing dinner, or cleaning up, and so the back is turned and I have to resist saying HELLOOOOOOoooooo?!?!? Did you hear me?!
Quote: I always had a 'better way,' jumped in guessing how he felt on things (or downright told him how he should feel about things),
Yep to this one, too. I tend to invalidate by saying things like “Why are you doing X that way?” or “Why are you doing X?” or “Why don’t you…?”
This past trip to Vt. (the one that was two separate weekends rolled into one), in the “Bad DBing” portion of the w-e, we were working in the woods and he took the tractor up a hill (towing the wood chipper) to turn it around so we could go back down the trail toward home. The last time, I had found a flat spot right where we were to do a U-turn. I couldn’t stop from asking him, “WHY are you going up there? I went THIS way last time.” And I got a very terse “I’M DOING IT THIS WAY.” Well, wouldn’t you know that the wood chipper overturned and got a big dent in it, and he broke the pin that attaches the chipper to the tow chain. I had to really restrain myself from getting angry that he hadn’t done it MY way. It’s his damned wood chipper. If he wants to go up the hill and break the pin and dent his chipper, then what’s it to me?
And I’m ALWAYS telling him how he should feel about XYZ. That his friends should be a certain gender and age. That he should feel the way I feel about things in our R.
Quote: Expressing admiration for things he's truly good at (like S.'s “woodlands prowess” or astronomy) is far more important than I ever realized. He talks so much more and tells me more detail about things he's done or is thinking about.
Take heed, Anne! You don’t puff them up so much that they take over everything, you puff them up so much that they feel respected, and only THEN do they feel comfortable letting you take the lead on MANY aspects of the R. It’s a waiting game. You stroke them, they puff up, you do it as a matter of course, and then, a miracle happens. They feel sufficiently respected to let you take over (because in truth, they really do respect you). Do you really think they want to direct things like household details and the like? No, they are just trying to assert authority over no matter what, because they don’t feel respected.
