Hi Ellie, H2H, and thanks for weighing in. I agree with both of you, and I know that S’s behavior was inappropriate. When I feel funny about something, and then S. took so long to inform me that [FF] was coming back to his house to look at the fence – if he hadn’t felt a little weird about it he would have said something to me before I had practically dragged him to the corner and he was walking sooooo slowly. It makes me wonder – he KNEW he hadn’t told me she was coming, and yet he allowed me to say good-bye to everyone (including [FF]) AND start walking off down the street while [FF] was still talking to people.
[FF], to her credit, when I hugged her good-bye in front of the restaurant, gave me a funny look and said good-bye (in retrospect, I think she must have been thinking, “Oh, I’m not invited anymore, they must be in a hurry,” because she had no idea I didn’t know she was coming with us).
No, [FF] is NOT acting inappropriately at all. Remember, S. hasn’t actually called her or asked her to lunch without including me, so she has no idea about all this background stuff I told you about – I’m sure she assumes if there’s a plan that I’ll be there, and it will be I who calls to ask. She is a very good friend – the person I spent the entire day and night after the bomb with – and she is just genuinely interested in S’s projects (because he’s my partner!). I don’t know if she picked up on the weird “Are you going home now” thing or not. I am not going to involve her at all in this. I confide in her, but not this – it will only make things awkward.
So, today has been OK. S. and I have spoken several times on the phone (from three doors away) since I booked our trip to Chile today! So excited – three full weeks in Jan-Feb. And he came over to pick up some food he’d left in my fridge, and ended up staying around to eat it and hang out. Now he’s getting drain opener for my tub, and he’s going to drop me at yoga at 8 tonight (and pick me up). So for now, all is calm.
H2H, yes, S. is the kind that digs in his heels and then quietly does something to show he understood, later, when he can do it and save face at the same time. I have a feeling that soon he will make an effort to introduce me to this last FF I haven’t met, or else make more of an effort to let me know what his plans are. I was saying I did poorly because I let emotionality get into the conversation, and though I validated his points of view, it wasn’t nearly enough to save the conversation and turn it into something productive. I was quite accusatory and let me past hurts and anger well to the surface.
One thing I need to say to him is that I don’t expect him to give up his friendships. I would not ask that of him, and I wouldn’t expect him to ask it of me, Swiss Miss notwithstanding. These women are not a threat (anymore), and though I think it’s a little bizarre that he has such young lady friends, I can’t discriminate on THAT basis. I did a bad job last night of showing him I am not possessive and controlling. AND, I didn’t keep the focus on my own issues of trust – instead I attacked him for his behavior, which is quite different from letting him know how I FEEL when he does that behavior.
I did let jealousy get the better of me, and S. did say to me that he felt awful because an experience he thought was very positive (connecting with a friend of mine on something that they are both interested in, and being able to have a conversation with her about the sculpture we saw and share impressions [because she’s been to the place before]), is turning into something that he did that was wrong. He reminded me of another time during my pre-DB days that I introduced him to a yoga friend of mine on the street and they proceeded to talk (to the exclusion of me) about their common field of interest for 15 minutes, and after we left her, he was feeling very positive about the experience and I lit into him for being so rude. I was so angry I was practically shaking. We fought all during dinner and had a horrible time.
Anyway, thanks a lot, guys, and thanks as well for the compliments. I agree, of course!
So the positives of today are...
+ We managed to get business taken care of and book our tickets to Chile! + We had nice conversations during the day, if a little tiny bit strained... + He offered to drive me and pick me up from yoga, which is an AOS he NEVER offers to do (recall when I actually asked him for a ride and he asked me, "Isn't [neighbor] going?" "Why can't you do X, Y, Z?"), AND which is out of his way, AND the weather is gorgeous and it takes me only 15 minutes to walk. + He came over to eat his food, which was good QT. + He is coming over to help with my clogged drain, another AOS. + He called me between leaving here and getting the drain opener to tell me about a little silly thing that could wait, which he never does - there's always a reason for his calls. + He made a list for a trip to the coop - another AOS because of yoga I can't go to the coop with him, and he's going to pick up some things for me.
