Thanks for the gopherdance, Slowly! and thanks for the web site, Ellie - I took a gander and Ilike the concept. My finances are under control - I've been following a plan and now I'm ready to move to the next step. S.and I had some pillow talk about it over the weekend. I think he's feeling more secure, because I'm bringing it up more and he feels secure when he feels more in the loop.
This weekend was busy - Saturday morning I left S. for the day to go to yoga and then to the Met with a close MF who just moved to NYC. I could tell that S., was a little jealous, because I went to the Met AND I went with MF, who is both straight and single, but S. was busy with other stuff and so he had no say. Later, though, I noticed that he made an extra effort to get me home for dinner, and we had a nice dinner together that he cooked, after which we hung out and talked until bedtime.
Sunday we went to - now get this - S's ex-girlfriend's brother's son's baptism party. I was anxious because I didn't know a soul and S. knew 50 people. But we had fun. Ex-GF is Haitian and a professional dancer, and I was feeling some anxiety about dancing, especially since the music was Haitian and everyone was a great dancer (especially ex-GF) - but I could see S. wanting to dance and feeling like he had to sit with me instead, not asking.
So I decided I would get over myself. I started moving a little in the chair, and I could see S's conflict - then I smiled at him and he sort of mumbled "want to dance?" totally expecting me to say no, and I jumped up and said "I thought you'd never ask!" and we had a GREAT time dancing - smiling at each other, etc. It was a big 180 for me - I tend to be serious sometimes and a little anxious at parties - holdover social anxiety...
So afterward, we came home and the couple I live with had invited people for dinner - we made it to the dessert and more-wine portion - and S. very jovially agreed to a ski trip about which he had previously freaked out 2 months ago when i asked him - too much traveling, he said... But I just discovered that when he's in front of people, he's magnanimous and so when one of the guests asked if we were going to Colorado with the group, I said "I am, I don't know about this guy!" and poked him teasingly. He looked at me in mock surprise and said "I'm going! I don't know what she's talking about!" and so therein ended my anxiety about approaching him with the trip again. I'm quite sure if I had asked him again and we were alone, he would have hemmed and hawed over it - expensive, etc. I also think that the fact I was going with our without jarred him into accepting.
Anyway, this w-e we didn't talk about our LL or plan our trip for the free tickets, but we had a good time together nonetheless. Last night I went over after my yoga class and made sure I had plenty to read while he worked on his "piles" - stuff that has to be filed away that has been accumulating for the last year. I could tell he was really appreciating that I could "hang out" without being entertained - so much so that he kept finding things to interrupt my reading to talk about or show me. So I finally put it away and paid him the attention.
Afterward, we snuggled into bed, and for once, I was falling asleep while he was talking talking talking, and I could tell he was feeling very close to me. He kept snuggling closer, even though he was plastered up against me, and finally I said, half-asleep and barely able to talk, "I'd turn over and kiss you goodnight if I could move," and he squeezed me tight and kissed the back of my neck about 15 times. It was VERY sweet and somewhat of a change for both of us. I'm usually the one blabbing and snuggling while he dozes off. I could really feel his love last night, and it was great.
So I have to find more ways to speak his LL (QT) - hanging out while he works on things is one thing, but I need to find other ways, too. Tomorrow we drive up to Storm King cultural center to look at outdoor sculpture, in particular the wall by Andrew Goldsworthy that was on a DVD we just saw together. We seem to really connect when we see things together and then go and do some extension of that. Last year we went to see some paintings by an American artist, and there were some beautiful landscapes of the Shawangunk Mountains, and two days later we drove up to go hiking in those mountains. We really connected doing that, and had a great time looking for the particular type of landscape that was in the paintings. We even found the perspective the artist had painted from. At the time I didn't know about validating, but I remember how much S. was acting like he had made the mountains to look like the paintings just for me, and I have to laugh at myself for not realizing he needed to be praised for having "brought" me there.
Anyway, I blather. Things are good. Bumpy at times, but good. I just need to find ways to make S. feel more fulfilled by me - as I have been lately reverting back to subtly controlling behaviors. Snap it back, Jennifer!
This week's goals are:
1. book out tickets for the February trip to ?? and the January ski trip 2. talk about our LL, even if we don't make our charts yet 3. find other ways to have QT, as well as hanging out while S. works 4. get my own piles cleaned up 5. make S. feel like a prince, and up those WOA
and thanks for the web site, Ellie - I took a gander and Ilike the concept. My finances are under control - I've been following a plan and now I'm ready to move to the next step. S.and I had some pillow talk about it over the weekend. I think he's feeling more secure, because I'm bringing it up more and he feels secure when he feels more in the loop.
