Think of "the sale" as S buying the solution to Jen's dilemma. That is, she's wanting him to "own" something that is important to her.
If he speaks first, he's going to ask a question (getting closer to doing that) or he's going to give her a YES (BINGO!) or a NO (which merely means "I need more information before I give you a yes").
Let me transfer that to human speak, and I'll use myself as an example.
I want my boss to give me a raise. He had no idea that this is something that is important to me until I spoke up. Money is something that typically makes him feel a little defensive, and if my timing isn't dead on, chances are, I'm going to put him on the defensive and imply that he doesn't appreciate my talents around here.
I know that flies are more attracted to honey than vinegar, so I decide to use a soft approach to let him know. "D, I've been a little moody at work. Do you want to know why?"
I see him gulp. He's clearly uncomfortable and knows there is no way he's going to exit his office without me telling him why I'm moody, so he agrees to let me continue.
"The fact is, I work hard and put my best effort forth here. The clients are very pleased and business is improved because of my commitment. I'm hurt because you haven't offered me a raise."
Silence.
Wow, does that mean he doesn't think I'm valuable around here? What a prick! I can't believe he's not all over this and gushing about my contributions around here!
"What are you thinking?"
Interpretation by him? If you'd let me think, I'd tell you! I'm just blown away by the fact that you asked me for a raise and told me you were hurt, when I had no idea you felt this way.... God, I wish I could walk away before answering. There is no way I'm going to win this battle right now, so I'll just get her out of my face until I have time to think about what she said.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Note: He is not responding to the assumption that he doesn't value me. He's responding to the statement that I made about being hurt because he didn't offer me a raise before I had to approach him on this.
What incentive does he have with that sort of statement to give me what I want? Instead of just telling him I want (the raise), I put an emotional variable into the equation that completely took the focus off the real issue (the raise) and addressed my hurt instead.
This is why "he who speaks next owns it".
It means that person is "buying" the solution... tangible or intangible.
Sorry for the confusion...
Betsey
p.s. I forgot to redo the convo in the way I could have done it to get him to give me what I want. Here goes:
"D, I don't know if this is a good time to chat about an issue I'd like to bring up with you. It's important to me, so I'd like to do this when you are amenable."
I will get a nod to proceed or a time to do it. Good. I get him when he's receptive to my important issue. I don't have to bring up my emotions.
"D, business has really picked up since I took over XYZ account, and the clients are really giving me some great feedback. I've been able to increase profits here by my diligence here at work. I would like to discuss the possibility of a raise with you. I feel I am going to be able to continue to do a good job for you...."
I know I've approached this head on: I want that raise. So I keep silent. I allow the silence to continue because I know it's my friend. He's thinking.
"Betsey, you're absolutely right. I was trying to think of the last time I gave you a raise. Man, it WAS a long time ago, wasn't it? Next time, would you tell me sooner so I can do it more timely?"
Ask for what you want, Jen. Don't make him guess or feel bad about not giving it to you in the manner you are asking for it.
Last edited by Underdog; 10/21/0405:16 PM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey
