Healing from the inside out

[psluke]

I think I opened the scab and let the wound do a lot of draining the weekend of my van incident. That is probably a big part of why I have decided I am not going to be able to complete this journey without some professional assistance. That and the rapid mood swings that seem much worse stepping the ad's down. Also struggling more with some depression.

I also believe that gave me the oomph to really start pushing to do some healing and make some forward progress. So far I feel it has been rather blindly stumbling around, some progress forward along with some slipping backwards. I think I am close to finding the path to being in charge of myself and my life.

Obviously this isn't a good or rational way to deal with pent up emotions! I still have no idea what the consequences are going to be from this incident, but have decided I now feel like sharing it as a further way of catheterizing the wound. J wants to press charges but the deputy that was on the scene said that isn't up to her it is up to the prosecutor. He said I needed an attorney which is why I have new attorney.

D promised not to have J at our house on PK. We both still have possessions that need divided there that I can't get him together to work on. Mostly the wine collection, he has been taking the most valuable bottles I found when I moved and inventoried it the day after the incident. That was one of the reasons I didn't want J there as I felt she would encourage, suggest he take those bottles. Week before last I drove by and saw her van parked in the driveway. I pulled in driving my old van, accelerated to climb the hill and just didn't stop. I can't remember that being a conscious decision, but I know it isn't rational!

When she saw me pulling in she started backing up into the turn around spot but was not out of the driveway when I crested the hill, so my van hit her van. D was in the house and didn't come out for a long time. When he did all he did was yell at me a bit and then walk off. This is why I say he and I having any sort of interactions is through.

As I know this is NOT GOOD. But it certainly has motivated me to get my tail in gear and be pro active on working on myself again instead of just floating along! It did also help I believe with some of that pent up anger.