Healing from the inside out

[psluke]

You know I don't feel lonely very often anymore. The kids are a lot of company and I do occassionally do things in the evenings, but tonight I feel very down.

I would suppose it is all the emotions from what happened this past weekend still processing and on less Zoloft as this starts my second week of every other day.

Tonight I sort of want company and sort of don't. Odd feeling, I guess maybe I am specifically missing D.

After all of this time and struggle we put into it we have ended up not speaking. I miss the thought that he is out there even just a little bit.

I do think it is like a grieving process, I just want to make sure to work all the way through it and not get stuck in the middle.

I am checking on getting a home equity loan on my house to pay for expenses that will incur from the weekend, plus pay off the credit card and pay dad back some of what he loaned me.

M came over today while I was at work and hung my blind that she picked up for me at HD. She really can't be a real person, she is way too helpful! I'm thinking my guardian angel to make sure I get through this mess and come out the other side.

You see I can see the positives, so don't understand the down feeling.

The weekend was extremely traumatic and I am still working on straightening it out so that almost has to be it along with D being real gone to the extent that I don't expect to ever see him again now.