Healing from the inside out

[psluke]

Hey Ms. Sage,

I'm worn out! Worked on my house a lot this weekend.

Then this morning it was pouring rain and dreary so I was sitting with some blah feelings. But the sun is out now and I feel better!

Hope you are having a wonderful day. I see you are reading old threads.

I really can't go back and do that, too many regrets, too much raw pain.

[slowly]

Hi Pam - Its so nice to see the good feeling in your post

I'm with you, still too scared to go back to my old threads

Slowly

[psluke]

Good Morning Slowly,

You were all over the place this morning

I guess going back I could probably see that I am feeling and doing better but I am afraid it would just drag up bad feelings.

So for now I think I will try to keep myself from looking back and focus on going foward. I know I'm not even close to as healed and back together as Ms. Sage is, at that stage it might be worth seeing what you could learn from where you have come from.

I did have some really awesome people helping me so I KNOW there is lots of good advice in my threads!

[slowly]

Hi Pam - I know what you mean about great folks here giving awesome advise and help - we are blessed, aren't we?

And yes, without planning it so, today has turned out to be a big bb day for me. I'm actually feeling more positive, but drained. I think I'll sleep well tonight. Lots of emotional outpouring on these pages.

Its a process, alright

Slowly

[psluke]

Hi Pam - I know what you mean about great folks here giving awesome advise and help - we are blessed, aren't we?

We really are. I am talking a bit with a lady who is going through pretty much the same sitch. Her H is having an affair with her long term friend.

She said she is pretty numb right now but that it helps to have me to talk too and I know what she means as I'm not sure she really has anyone else that sort of understands what she is going through.

Its a process, alright

That it certainly is and a SLOOOOW ONE!

[psluke]

I wrote this stuff out a week or so ago and just kept it in my word processor but still want to develop actions to go with so hoping I will focus on that more if I post it.

Focus on the positives in my life.

When waking up early and not getting right up, think some positive thoughts for the day.

List positives each day to help keep my thoughts focused on them, rather than the other junk.

Work on things to help me feel better about myself, it needs to come from the inside NOT the outside and it is all about choices and making the ones to enjoy and feel good rather than mop and feel down.

Get speakers hooked up and go back to the meditating each morning.

Start back with an exercise program so physically feel more fit and up to doing more activities and not wearing out so quickly.

Realize my self worth is not determined by how useful I am to other people. I am a person with worth and value, who has made mistakes and poor choices in her life, but also learned some from them and isn't that the definition of life?

[psluke]

Ok, I have been coasting along and not staying focused on anything too well. I have gotten lazy without Cal to crack the whip!

I think some of this needs to begin being worked on before I can really work on starting to like myself better.

I realized yesterday during a conversation with G that I took something he said and let it affect me the same way it did if David did something similar. With G I am sure my emotions were all based on my assumptions of what was taking place! Now I wonder how much of my interactions with David I possibly misread.

So my communication and processing rather suck, at least when I personalize and assume they do.

Things I want to change about me:

I don't suppose it is possible to just have a different brain, A LOGICAL ONE, installed.

1. My assuming rather than listening and NOT personalizing.

2. I talk too damn much, give people tons more info than they want or need. When I do this I think of Sage's box analogy. I always open mine and push it into people's face.

3. I am still trying to look for emotional support and distractions from the outside rather than focusing on the inside. This happens mostly at work.


Those are really big and I could go on and on, but believe if I can tackle those to an extent the results will trickle down. Aka..the butterfly effect.

[psluke]

Changing your behavior requires patience, time, hard work and self examination.

This is out of the e-book I had ordered back before the d was final and then never read as I had so many other things on my mind.


I need to remember I can't do it overnight and not to get discouraged and quit!

[psluke]

Last night I dreamed about D and J. I have no idea why, but it kept playing in my head, the lies, deceit, the smirking she did at the dog show when she knew he was filing the next day and I didn't.

That is something I still can't believe in a way that he put me through, to ask to go out in public to see the show, (her show I think), to be made fun of that way. Did he hate me? I know it needs to not matter why he did it as I'll never know and he probably doesn't know either.

My guess is he was so enamoured of her and wanted to see her show that it didn't matter what he put me through, that he never even considered that aspect of what he was doing.

[psluke]

Since at times now my memory seems to have difficulty and if I let my mind get unfocused I tend to get down and look for outside assistance.

I bought a memo pad while grocery shopping and plan to track me and my self talk. To see if I can identify what happens when the down turn starts. I am hoping that will help me develope some strategies to change those habits.