I heard about this sight from a friend and decided to check it out. Every situation I have read about, the member is the proposed victim. Well, I plead guilty. I am the victim(izer). I have had 2 A. My H doesn't know, and I'd very certainly like to keep it that way. Why do I want to keep it that way? So I don't ruin his life, as he knows it, just for the sake of "the truth". I am trying to get out of the 2nd affair right now. But it's not as easy as some may think. Emotional ties form and you start to depend upon this person for your happiness, and a break from the hum-drum of every day reality. Some people drink, some people get high...well I get lost in "He wants me" high. I'm not going to try to justify any of my failures. I just want to see if anyone can help me get off this rode of infidelity. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out why) I really struggle with the mundane of every day life, and find excitement in being found desirable. If I saw this desire in my H eyes, I would be all his. Right now I'm trying to find a way to keep on the straight and narrow without expecting anything to change on his part.
Great to see you here. You may find yourself deluged by questions from people on the other side of the fence, so prepare yourself.
I myself forgave my wife for the affair immediately, but I was already going through the DB rollercoaster and knew that forgiveness is the only way to salvage any kind of relationship in this situation.
Quote: Right now I'm trying to find a way to keep on the straight and narrow without expecting anything to change on his part.
Do you really think this is realistic for you? You've confessed to being hooked on the excitement and rush of an affair. I can't see you making this work without changes in your husband. The good news is that you CAN make real changes in him, but you have to be committed to it. If you pick up a copy of "The Divorce Remedy", you'll find a lot of solid techniques to help turn things around on your own.
You say this is your 2nd affair. How long did the 1st one last, and why did it end?
Go to www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com and call Penny or post on that site also. Penny has walked in your shoes and will be able to give you some great insite.
Some of these sites have forums specific to your situation.
I applaude you for taking the right steps. From what you have explained in your post, you may want to treat your behavior like any other form of addiction. Just a thought.
You may also try reading the KLA Group threads on this bulletin board. They are near the bottom. These threads assist people in recognizing the behaviors and actions that lead to some difficulties. Also get and read Divorce Remedy. It will give you some insight and also familiarize you with the principles and concepts of this site.
You CAN have the relationship that you want with your husband. It will take some work, but everything worth having, doesn't come easy.
first off don't be turned off by the fact that most folks here are the lbs or the "victim", it matters not what position you are in. Some may come and quiz your or subject their values on you, don't let them chase you away...there are a lot of folks here who will do their best to understand and empathize with your position and offer insightful ways to help you progress.
Quote: I am trying to get out of the 2nd affair right now. But it's not as easy as some may think.
anyone who would think it easy is blind.
Quote: Emotional ties form and you start to depend upon this person for your happiness, and a break from the hum-drum of every day reality
there's a key for you. depending on another (even your spouse) for your happiness is an unhealthy way to live. As a sahm (stay at home mom) with a h who works way too much I certainly understand the "hum drum of every day reality" as you noted there are other ways in which people add spice to their life (though the ones you listed are other unhealthy, unproductive means)...can you think of some ways to add zest to your life that would be more productive for you?
some ideas of things that I've done...
started a book club that meets monthly joined a monthly couples dinner club (no they're not swingers just a new town trying to make new friends) started a moms night out club joined the local ambulance company as a volunteer emt (they even payed for my training)
these of course wont replace the feeling of being desired BUT it is important to realize where that need comes from and work on that.
having said all that...if you haven't yet read divorce remedy I suggest you get yourself a copy and start reading. some other good reading that you will hear alot about around here is a book called "the five love languages" I believe that ones by chapman. and of course Michelles "the sex starved marraige" may be helpful even if there are no sex issues involved.
To all, Thanks so much for taking the time to write back some really helpful insight. I will take what you have said and read and re-read to glean it all. And I will look into getting those books you recommended. I want things to work in my M. I love my H and my children. I don't want to be hurting them. It kills me inside to know that I have betrayed them. But I do want things to be better in our R. Thanks for letting me know that I don't have to accept things the way they are, and that they can change. The 1st A ended because I moved to a different state. When I moved it had been going on for at least 3 yrs. If the sit. was right, I would have left to be with the OM. After I moved I made the decision to really guard myself, and did for 4 yrs. But then just @ 5 mo. ago I began to let my mind wonder to "what if" with another man. Right now the OM and I have both agreed that getting out of this is the best, and we are well on our way. But I'm still scared that it will happen again, until eventually I will get caught and destroy my husband and family. I know that I can live without actually being in an A. What scares me most is that I may never be able to come to the place that just fantisizing about my H will be enough. I want our R to be close enough that that is where my mind automatically goes...to him, and not others. I'm sure that reading what you have suggested will be a good start. I'll be back to talk some more after I get things going in that direction.
I won't beat you up and hope no one else does. Let the one without sin cast the first stone. This is coming from my persective as a man and a fool. If you want to stay married drop the OM right away. DON'T EVER fess up unless caught it will be so much harder to get things on the right track. Try and figure out why you had your affairs. Then work on fixing that, if it's simply the added excitiment then work with your H to make things more exciting with him. Don't beat yourself up for thinking or being attracted to others than your H. I have F who was married 12 years and was always faithfull even tho he was acccused regular of not being faithfull and being attracted to others, but he was faithfull. It's acting on those feelings not feeling them that gets us in trouble. I hope this helps and good luck.
afools, Thanks for the encouragement! I agree that acting on the feelings is what will get me in trouble with my H. But I don't agree that the thinking is harmless. If I hadn't let my mind dwell on another man than I don't believe I would have had an A with them. After thinking over and over again what it would be like to be with them, eventually doing seems no worse than thinking. At least this is how it happened with me. I think the reason I had the 2 A was/is because of the excitement factor, and also a desire factor. I am a HDW, and feel very taken for granted by my H. I used to see a gleam in his eyes when we were first married, but that has long past. I just don't know how to get that back. I will work on making things more exciting for him...and maybe that will happen if I concentrate on myself being more excited by him.
I am new here and posted in the MLC section, but read your post and had to reply- I had a very brief A when I was 25 I felt unappreciated, and controlled by my H. NO EXCUSE IS GOOD ENOUGH to EVER have an affair, but it happened. It was short -2 months, and although my H suspected I denied denied denied. 21 years later I finally told the truth when he asked me becuse I felt we had been through so much, including HIS affair seven years after mine happened.But his lasted a year. I was hesitant but relieved to tell the details, but my H used it against me as an excuse to leave. I think he is in MLC and just used this as an excuse, cause he DID have an affair too way back when, but says he was too destroyed by my details and has to work his anger out. I found out he is working his anger out by helping 2 women at work with their "problems". Ann Landers used to say confession may be good for the soul but its hell on your marriage. If you can possibly end the affair right now-do it and don't look back. What ever fantasies or excitement you need to get, get it from your husband. In this day and age its too dangerous to be out there messing around. I deeply regret my affair,however short, the guy was a predator and used me. You have a husband and a family. My husband recently moved out. We were married about 28 years. I do still love,desire him and want him back. I am here because I want to do it the smart way and make sure he can't use my past aginst me anymore and that we can build a relationship that doesn't need anger, revenge or affairs or any outside excitement.. My advice to you is END IT NOW, work on your marriage, you and your hubby have the combinations to each others "safes". Keep them to yourselves, and treasure the stuff you keep in there. Get DB-ing now. Forgive yourself ( I know its hard, I didn't for 20 years) and try to go out of your way to do one small nice thing for your husband every day. Do one nice thing for yourself too. Say I love you EVERY day. Hugs for no reason. Do not put yourself in situatuions where you may stray. Good luck, and i'll be watching for your progress.
Sportster, Thanks for the reply. Reading your sitch has openened my eyes even more to the catastrophe that would come if I don't work on things. Talking about the sitch has already helped me to take an active role in my R w/ my H. In fact, I talked with the OM today, and we both agreed that as of today we are done. I believe I can follow through with this decision..but will need some help.
