Wish, I second sadjen! I was/am in the same boat and with a military man and I did almost exactly as sadjen did and, I'm happy to say that he is back and has never been more attentive. Believe me, they have to MISS you before they can miss you! I think after what you've learned these past few days, he's about to feel what it's like to miss you now. But, act like sadjen and I did and I have a feeling the results will be so different and so much better! Like she said, try it! You've got nothing to lose at this point.
While my H was gone and before he came back, I too found out alot of things that he lied about and denied and I never brought them up to him and he never had a clue how much I knew. Poor man! To think that I'm unresouceful! That was just dumb on his part! LOL! This isn't/wasn't my first rodeo!
Anyway, maybe you don't want to bring up to him what you have just learned. Wait and sit on it a bit. You will get the right time and the right opportunity to bring it up and the results will be better at a better time!
Destination- how do you feel about him now? I wonder if I really want him back (X-Navy) after all he's done and all I've found out. How do you start respecting him again, trusting?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Mellanie, How do I feel about him now? I have more respect and love for him that I did prior to this whole "alien abduction" thing. I truly do.
You can't expect to gain your respect for him right away. It's something he has to earn and, if he wants to be respected by you again, he will be willing to do what it takes to earn that from you.
Respect yourself first! That is most important. I mean, TRULY respect yourself and know that you deserve more than this.
Remember to ask yourself the question before you bring up anything to him about his lies, "will this bring us closer". You have to know that if you bring these things up now, he will be on the defensive. There WILL be a time and a place to bring them up later. Believe me! A time when you know deep down that the outcome will be better.
Hang in there! Be proud of yourself for how far you've come and reward yourself! You probably have a long road ahead of you and you do have the strength to do this. After all, you are a military spouse aren't you!? You have already been through so much. This is just another hiccup. A big hiccup but, you will survive.
I am really sorry with what you found out. I was away on business. Only you know what is the best for you.
For me I feel free after my W left me. I don't need to put up with uncertainty and dishonesty of having an unfaithful W. Life is definately better without an unfaithful W. I have more peace. I am sure I will find a new partner again later and be happy again. I have tried my best to rescue my M. I have no regret.
Pray to God to grant you peace. Grant you strength to accept things you can't change. May peace be with you.
I just realized that I'm not crying anymore. In a way that's kinda sad, isn't it? I'm afraid it means that I don't care enough to cry anymore. H cries. Especially when he sees the kids and he's getting ready to leave for the night. He's still telling them that he has to go to work, but that can't fly forever.
I think it was Koshka that said he was crying on Valentine's day. I didn't. I didn't expect anything. Didn't have anything to compare it to because we're into our 2nd year now and 2nd Valentine's day. I think I have been through all the feelings and now I'm into acceptance. He's not there yet. He's still trying to figure out how to have both of us, or it seems that way to me anyway. He'll lunch with me and dine with me during the week and disappear off to her on the weekends.
I'm not sure what to do here. Do I ignore the A and OW? Do I go dark? Should I turn down lunch invites and stop extending invitations to him? What would happen now if I told him not to call unless it was to talk to the kids or about the kids? Or, do I continue being nice and kind and offering my shoulder to cry on about how tough it is at work and other problems he's having?
I can't even imagine what it would take for me to stop answering his calls and declining invitations. To stop obsessing about whereabouts and activities. I just don't know what I should be doing now. Is it too late? I'm not crying anymore, maybe I'm just beyond caring and it's time to throw in the towel.
I'm just repeating myself now. See, obsessing.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Mellanie & Raindeer....thanks for checking in on me. Although I have read the bb on a regular basis I stopped posting a couple of months ago when I caught H snooping on my computer.
H let himself into MY house, was in MY office, on MY computer, reading MY files.....the bb was opened along with a couple of my email accounts. I had been in the living room taking a nap and thought I heard a noise....and found H at my computer. I have no idea how long he had been on it or exactly what he read. I do know that my laptop is MINE and I even have it password protected.....so who knows what H found out. It just pointed out to me how low he had sunk. Why is he snooping on me....I have never given him a reason to do so?
Anyhow, H hasn't mentioned the bb to me so maybe he didn't figure out who I was.......in case he did I will just have to be careful with any details I post.
The D is still in progress and H now has the interrogatories on both his financial and sex life that he needs to complete this week. I am just really curious to see whether he tells the truth on those or not. I really am hoping that H doesn't hang himself to high.
I have dropped the rope the best I can. The only time I call or email H is when there is something with the kids that absolutely cannot wait. If it is not a matter of life/death I don't contact him. And, if I am at one of the phones with caller ID I don't answer the phone if it is him. However, with that said, it is very rare for H to call the house and talk to one of the kids without then asking to speak to me.
I try to be very pleasant, upbeat and positive....I do feel good about myself.
H still seems to want contact with me. We had an appointment to finish our taxes yesterday. H was headed back to town to and was going to be late so I told him I could just drive there myself (5 minutes away). But, H said he would stop be to pick me up, which made us even later. Then last night S15 had gotten the 3 of us tickets to a dinner-theater so after the taxes H came back to my house to get dressed since he still has his good clothes here. He even made a point of coordinating his clothes to what I was wearing. After the dinner, he drove us back to the house and just came in, asked if I wanted a drink and fixed drinks for both of us. In the meantime our son had gone to the familyroom to play games, so H and I spent a few hours chit-chatting and watching tv. It sure doesn't sound like someone that is trying to get away from me.
This morning H and I were supposed to meet at the church for a lunch the youth was serving. H called me a few minutes before I was leaving and said he would be by to pick me up....I said OK. We had a nice lunch then H drove me home. This is where I am confused. We pulled into the driveway and H shut off the car. I just froze because I didn't know what he was doing.....we had just talked about no one being home but me and me having the house to myself. H even had his hand on the car door handle like he was going to come into the house with me. I thanked him for the lunch, told him I would see him later, and kind of bolted from the car. H didn't even turn the car on until I was in the house. I actually felt like a scared rabbit. Should I have let him come in, or even invited him in?
Glad to hear from you again. I don't know what is in your H's mind. You just keep doing DB until the D is final. If he is not violent, of course you can be with him alone. But you know him better than anyone else. Avoid being alone with him if he could be violent to you.
Last week the om's W called me at home. She mentioned that the om went to declare their assets and lied about my W's income. Because the om's W is asking for maintenance from him (she has very low income). I am surprised that the om dares to lie and made a false statement to his L. But it is not my problem.
I am OK. Moving on with my life. I start learning ballroom dancing. Just to find a new hobby. Get away from routine housework. It is fun.
Just an update....Ok, what I really need is a shoulder to cry on.
Things have been going Ok for the past few months....a few bumps in the road but for the most part H and I have been spending a lot of time together, have taken several trips out of town with the kids. H has seemed more like the person he used to be....kind, considerate, doing those extra "little" things for me....he is even back to sharing thoughts, ideas, problems, and actually smiling with a twinkle in his eye. There have even been several times of him actually firting with me.
But, the D is still progressing....and is at the point that H had me served with interrogatory questions about MY sex life since we have been married (which is 26+ years), if I consider him to be a proper person to have legal custody of our son, and what my reasons are for counterfiling on charges of adultery, along with several pages of other questions.
I knew when answering the questions on adultery charges and H having legal custody that my answers would tick H off....and they have. But, my L said that I had to be honest and that I could lighten up my answers in court but it would be very difficult to make them harsher. What did H, me not answer the questions??? At this point I have to look out for my kids and myself.
There were also questions on the household budget....and I can almost hear H screaming at the amounts I wrote down. But, I went through the checkbook register for the past 12 months, added the amounts and divided by 12.....and yes, we spend a lot of money.
I can tell already that money is becoming a very big part of this D, and will be a problem in the months to come. H thinks I should accept 42% of his military retirement and that is all I should get. Not to mention that I was a stay-at-home mom (H's wish) for over 20 years while supporting his career. I will not settle for that, and since H is not used to me taking a controversial stand against him, it is really getting his ire up.
I invited H over for pizza and a movie with the kids and I tonight. He accepted the invite with pleasure but was colder than an ice-cube to me while he was here. We will spend several hours in the car tomorrow and Sunday as well as most of those days together since S15 has a swimmeet......but I am not looking forward to this at all.
In a way I just want the D over so I can start to move on with my life, but things have been so well the past few months that I was almost getting some hope that this M could be saved. However, someone mentioned to me that maybe H was being so "nice" to me so that I would give a lot more in the D settlement.
