H was a sweetheart yesterday about making sure I had a good birthday. H and S15 got back mid-afternoon from shopping for me and they were both like little kids in their delight in wrapping gifts and not letting me know what they had gotten. It was so cute and heartwarming.
After the birthday stuff was done, H brought out the lamps I wanted new cords on and set about taking those apart. He was kind of showing me how to change cords, but these were complicated ones that we both knew I would never be able to figure out on my own. At one point I had to run to the basement to get something for H and when I got back he had already removed the old cord. H then asked in kind of a strange way what I would like to do next. I wasn't quite sure what he was asking so I just kind of flirted a little and told him I wanted to get the lamps fixed (but we had to run to the store first to get new cords and clamps). I went back downstairs to tell son where we were going and to grab my shoes. I went back to where H was and started to put my shoes on.....and H asked if I really wanted to fix the lamps next, or if I had something else on my mind...so we headed upstairs instead.
Later, we picked up the stuff for the lamps then H took me and S15 out to dinner. He even took me to the place D22 was working at, which he does not like to go to, just so I would get to see a little more of the kids on my birthday. H was so unbelievable nice and considerate all day.
I know, no expectations.....
Today it was just S15 and I that went to church. That was the first time at church without H and it was very hard.
S15 was having a SuperBowl party so H came over late this afternoon to hook up the tv in the basement. H knocked loudly before he came in and I just told him not to do that again. Having H knock at our home was just incredibly painful.
I was in the process of fixing nachos for the party and H asked if he was invited to stay....I told him sure, as long as there was no more knocking. H started to say something but then stopped......and did stay eat.
It was a pleasant enough evening. Before H left he did ask me if there was anything else I wanted him to do before he left. I wasn't sure where he was going with that question, but I just shook my head "no".
S15 did ask me a few minutes ago if "Dad had gone home" and I told him yes. I am not sure where he got that information from but H and I do need to talk to the kids soon.
I must admit that it was one of the better birthdays I have had in several years.
H picked me up after work to go to the accountant to get our taxes done. H and I are both in disbelief at what we owe. At one point I just looked at H and started laughing (laughing is my reaction to stress) and he just smiled and chuckled also. It was one of those "intimate" moments shared between partners. Afterwards we walked to the church for supper.
H had picked up tickets for a Shrove Tuesday pancake feed so S15 and I went to that with H. We ran into friends there and had a nice time. Ironically, these friends have bought a cabin next to a ski resort and have invited us up next winter for a "family" get-to-gether. I just agreed with friends that that sounded like a wonderful idea. H was very friendly and attentive to me, and even brought me back a cup of coffee when he got his.
To add to my confusion, we are going away the following weekend for a swimmeet, and H just told me tonight that he booked a jacuzzi suite for us. I am not sure what that is all about. But, I told H I would bring my swimmuit and enjoy it.
S15 had already left for swim practice, so H drove me home. We were laughing and joking in the car and have even decided to visit H's sister and family this coming weekend. When he pulled into my driveway, the atmosphere was very light-hearted, and I just told him thanks for the evening and got out.
H just dropped me off a little bit ago, and I must admit I came into the house smiling and laughing to myself.....it felt like I had just come back from a date!
So, someone please remind me, why a D? It certainly isn't anything I want!
Glad that you enjoyed your time with your H. As long as you are comfortable and enjoy it, why not. Don't think about D so much. What you do is still DB effort. Don't give up until it is really over. Maybe your H decides differently. Who knows?
For me, my W has burned the bridge and it is very hard to return. Trust and proud are staying in our way. We can't even talk to each other face to face. The hurt is too deep.
Your situation is different. So don't throw the towel as yet.
Is the pride and mistrust on your side or hers? If it's on your side, you CAN let go of it. Forgiveness is difficult, but it's not impossible. I'm working on this now and I feel it falling away, not quickly, but slowly by layers. Hang in there.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I think it is on both sides. For me I don't want to talk to her so I can detach and heal. I have forgiven my W. I have offered my W to start a new chapter of our life if she is willing to let go the om. But she could not. She promised but broke her promises many times. It is difficult to trust her again. 3 years of DBing is enough. I have no regret. She said she is deeply in love with the om. So I let her go. If she showed any remorse or something worth to fight, I would. But my W is willing to leave everything behind: kids, home, family and start a new life with the om. I accepted her choice and move on with my life. If she is happy, good for her. If she regrets later on, it is her problem now. Nothing I can do about it. My only concern is to my kids. I have to look after them. Try to help them overcome this crisis without any lasting damage.
Luckily I can find peace through praying. And I am quite ok considering the circumtances. I have recovered my confidance. Life is not bad. I have still my kids who look up at me. Our relationship has become much closer. I have a good job. Still healthy and attractive. I am OK.
Raindeer, you have been put through the emotional wringer.....and my heart goes out to you. Mel is right, it is a loss, but you are coming out the other side and into a brighter, happier future!
For me, on the other hand, just about now life sucks!!!
I invited H over for supper tonight, he came, enjoyed it and stayed for awhile afterwards just talking about the kids and work.
After he left, I went to the Post Office where I have a box for mail from L. And there was a letter stating that we have a hearing on Valentines Day to dispute a counter claim H is filing. Apparently now the charges are extreme cruelty....whatever that means.
I called H and met him in a parking lot where we talked for a couple of hours. It is funny that now that H and I have been getting along much better, that he has backed off so many of the things he was previously willing to give me in a D. I just have a feeling this is going to get ugly.
H started in about us being broke and why not just keep the L out of it, and why don't I just take what H is willing to give me. I told H that if we were that broke we didn't have to get a D and pay for 2 households. H just said "we ARE getting a D". Then I told him if we were so broke why does he seem to have money to spend on ow. H just started in that he didn't buy her anything, or pay for anything for her.....when he said that I just turned to him and told him to stop lieing. When I said that H shut up from shock and just stared at me. I told him I hate the lies...to which he didn't have much to say.
I did point out to H that everyone would blame ow for our D, just like everyone in ow's family will blame H for that break-up if it occurs. That is sure not a place I would want to me.
I also asked H to tell my why we are getting a D. He listed 3 main things which I ended up listing back to him since I couldn't believe his reasoning.
#1. He doesn't like talking about money with me. (And that's a reason for a D)????
#2. He no longer is emotionally attracted to me. (After almost 5 years of an ongoing A is that any wonder???)
#3. Not enough sex, and he listed the years that that was a problem. (I couldn't help it, but I also asked him if he remembered those were the exact years I went through several exploratory surgeries to see why I was in continual excruciating pain.....and at one point during that time the doctors actually told me they thought I was dieing). H's response was "well, couldn't you have satisfied me some other way"? (I almost whacked him on that one!!) So now, I am to blame for wasting his most prime, physically fit years of enjoying sex. Of course, what H remembers and what I remember are not same.
I feel like I am at a point of no-return. I am wondering if the secrecy of the A is what is keeping ow in the picture, but I plan on letting that secret out.
When I left H I told him I was going home to make a phone call. H asked to whom, but I just ignored him. When I got home I called ow's H. Unfortunately, a female answered. When I asked to speak to (name) she said she was his wife. Now, I don't know if that was ow or not...but she said that her H would not fly in until Sunday...so I said I would call back then.
So now I am asking, why do I want to stay M???? I am still working on that one.
