Unfortunately my heart and mind are not on the same page. My heart tells me to keep on hoping while my mind says it is over. Someday I will get my act together!
I went dark on H this week and did not contact him at all. He did call on Wed. night and then again tonight, and we had nice conversations both times. H is picking S15 and I up at 5am to head to a weekend long swim meet. He has also gotten us tickets to a monster truck smashing event for tomorrow night. All in all,I am sure it will be an interesting weekend.
I seem to do OK during the week when there is no contact with H, but this being together all these weekends is a killer. After this weekend, S15 had at least 2 more swimmeets before the season is over. Then there will be at least 3 months before any more meets. Although it would be easier for me for one of us not to go to son's meets, son would be tremendously hurt and disappointed if one of us was not there. So, I am trying to not create too many waves with H before the state meet in March.
I got my bill from L tonight and noticed there was a charge for sending paperwork to the clerk of courts. Does that mean it is now public knowledge and will published in the paper?? If so, I guess we had better find a way to let the kids in on the fact that a D is in progress.
I think it is time for you to inform your kids about the situation of your M. They will find out soon or later.
Our kids discovered their mum's A by reading the sms sent by the om. So I don't need to add anything. Therefore they are all supporting me. My D is feeling sorry for her mum. My W tried to tell her that she was unhappy etc etc to justify her A. But my S can't understand why his mum did what she did.
It is normal when you love your S, you try to hope that your S will wake up one day and come back. I did the same. I tried to accept any excuses my W has given to me about her A. I wanted to believe that she has let go the om. But the reality is different. Finally she made her decision to move out and lives with the om. It was hard initially for me. But it also gives me a clear direction to go. Until today, I still can't talk to my W alone. I am still hurting. But living alone without seeing her is fine for me. Therefore I can understand your feeling about how difficult to be with your H on the swim meet. Both of us still have to learn to detach from our S. I need it as I may have to see my W alone soon to settle our property.
I had a wonderful weekend with H and S15. We had swimmeet stuff in the mornings and had the afternoons off. Sat. afternoon we did a little shopping, went back to the motel for a "nap", out for supper then to a monster truck show. H was so attentive and pleasant, there was no tension, we joked and laughed a lot and shared special glances. Today was much the same. We went shopping and out to eat for lunch and got home about 3:30.
Would someone please tell why we are getting a D???? (oh ya, an ow in the picture )
I expected H to leave for his place as soon as we got home, but he stuck around. A few weeks ago I had asked him to drill some holes in some stuff I needed for school...so he spent quite a bit of time doing that for me. I asked him about supper and he seem genuinely regretful for not staying but said he was very tired and wanted to get home and get laundry done. But, he did say that he would like to come over later in the week for supper. H then just stuck around and talked with me while I was working on stuff. (Our vehicle insurance has always come out of a joint checking accout, but H informed me that he now has that coming out of his account. If he wants to pay, I am not going to argue.) H also paid for almost everything this weekend which really seemed odd because for 26 years our money has been pooled, but I was always the one with the checks/cash.
S15 came up around supper time and said he was getting hungry, so I went ahead and fixed something. I felt guilty fixing something with H still there, so I once again joking asked if he was now staying, and he said "ya" but he really did want to get going.
On our answering machine was a message from the friends we stayed with a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned to H that I would call them back later tonight. H asked if I wanted to call then while he was still here, so I did that. We were both on phones and talked with them for well over an hour. It was a nice call all around.
H was still very much like his old self.....until he went upstairs after the phone call. I heard banging and slamming up there, so went to see what was going on. H gave some lame excuse about a drawer coming off track....which I didn't believe for a minute. It turns out H was looking for razor blades and had just discovered that I had cleaned everything of his out of the bathroom. What does he expect....he is the one who moved out!!
H left almost immediately after that but popped his head back in to ask if I was going to get a key for the house made for him. I hesitated but did say yes. But I don't know when I will. H has his office and his place that are private for him, why shouldn't the house be private for me??
Confusion is the name of the game around this place.
I don't understand your H also. You two still can be very good friends. What is he looking for on the ow?
The better your H to you, the more difficult is for you to make decision. If your H is willing to let go the ow, there is still hope for you. Have you talked about it?
I am just wondering what is your H's reaction if your kids know about what is going on and ask him. Can he stand up to his kids?
I am seeing my pastor for the first time since our separation tonight. I will tell him about my separation. I don't know what advice he will give me.
Sorry I have no good advice for you. Pray to God to guide you to choose the right path for you.
I really have never figured out what H gets from ow that he does not get from me. They have met twice in the last 3 years but do talk on the phone for hours a week. When I found out in Nov. that H was once again calling ow I asked him to quit the phone calls until the Holidays were over and H just shook his head "no". That is the last I have brought up ow.
The kids really should be told, but I keep thinking that as long as they don't know there really is still hope. However, I did think H was planning on telling them over the Holidays when all 4 of the kids were home...but it didn't happen. In our last R talk a couple of months ago I did tell H that I pitied him when the kids found out. Their respect for him will be in the toliet. He will no longer be viewed as this wonderful Marine who is honest and trustworthy. In fact, D22 said awhile ago that if the problems H and I were having were because H was having an A, then should would HATE him for hurting her mom.
I am assumming that H continues to talk to ow since he hasn't mentioned otherewise. Besides, when I see H I can usually pretty much tell if there has been contact because H is no longer very good at hiding his guilt. I have finally figured out that all those months/years of H being angry/rude to me was the guilt of his A showing its colors.
H and I exchanged several phone calls and emails today....it is not unusual for a week to go by with out even one call or email. I even ended up making homemade chicken noodle soup for a sick S15 and informing H that we were eating at 6:30, and that he was welcome to join us, but it was OK if he was busy. H said he would see. I did notice that at 6:25 H called to let me know that he was just leaving the office and would be there as soon as possible. I did tell him I was running late myself and there was no need to hurry. We had a nice supper, very relaxed and friendly.
When H was getting ready to leave I asked him if at some point in the future he could show me how to put new cords on a couple of lamps because the bunnies have chewed holes in some. H said he would come over some day and WE could take the lamps apart to see what WE needed and then get the stuff.
If H was trying to stay away from me and keep his distance this whole D would be so much easier. Instead, he sticks around and we talk and share and I still get those glances and looks that are private and special between couples. Where does a D fit into this picture????? I do so much better at detaching when I use anger as my backbone, but H being nice and bending over backwards for me makes my backbone nothing but mush.
Today is the 3 year mark from when I first heard the "bomb" and what a journey that time has been. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting back from the time I first heard the "I'm not in love with you". It wasn't until a year later that I found out about ow....an ow that apparently has been in the picture for 4 1/2 years now.
In the past 3 years I started teaching again after a 22 year hiatus, I went back to school and received my Masters, I have started researching and investing on my own and am getting my financial life in order, I have taken my first solo vacation, I've learned to rely on myself and become self-sufficient, and have done so much personal growing I just can't believe it. Although it has been 3 years of immense pain, it has also been 3 years of growth, opportunity and self-fulfillment....and those are things neither H nor a D can take away.
It is amazing what guilt can do to someone.....and I am milking H's guilt for everything I can get. H's guilt has given me new faucets in the kitchen and one of the bathrooms, new locks on the garage doors, a new sump pump, a new dishwasher, new windows in over half the house (to be installed next month), and yesterday I got an email from H asking if I wanted a new stove.....ya betcha! Let's see what else I would like for the house as long as H is on his guilt trip....a new driveway, sodding for the front yard, the house painted, a new car.....and I don't feel a bit guilty asking/hinting since I know H has been paying for some of ow's stuff.
I am not sure what to make of this but H called me at 1:30AM this morning. H said he was tired and had called me by mistake and that he meant to call his office to leave a message that he would not be in until late this morning. I think is awfully weird that H "accidently" called my number. Another thing that also bothers me.....I had given H a blue-jean shirt a few months ago. I had worn it a few times but it was kind of big on me, so I asked H if he would like it. Well, that is the shirt that H wears the majority of the time I see him. He has even commented a couple of times that it is the shirt I gave him. (Heck, if I was D somebody I don't think I would be wearing their clothes! ). There are so many little things that just don't add up.....but then again, there are so many things that do add up to H splitting, namely those stupid D papers!
Oh well, life now is so much better now than it was 3 years ago.....if a D is what it takes to get my life back and on track, then so be it....
It is good that your H is feeling guity and try to to compensate his guilt with material things to you. At least your H still love you in his way and feeling guity. I don't think my W did or does the same.
Yesterday my D said that one of our friend (female) is dying of cancer in her brain. I asked where did my D knows from. She said from my W. My D said that my W's best friend told my W. My W's best friend is the one who is trying to ask me to beg my W to come home. We all have trial in this life. Some through D. Some through illness. We just have to take it when it comes and move on with life.
I hope that you are happy with your decision, whatever you decide to do. Have a nice weekend.
Mel, I guess I had never thought about H telling ow the many things he does for/with me. Do you suppose she knows H was home for 3 weeks over Christmas and that we went away together for 2 weekends last month, and will be going away together for 2 more weekends in just a couple weeks???
Raindeer, for so long I felt it was a baby step if H did something nice for me. But, after awhile when those "baby steps" were not making any forward progress I realized that all his "acts of service" were done out of guilt for the pain and suffering he had put me through. (At least I know he still has some form of a conscience. ) (And, yes, I do think deep down at some level that H stills cares for me very much.) AND, H wants me to stay in this house until S15 graduates. I have pointed out to H some major reasons why I should not stay. So, I think H is trying to fix some of the material things around the house so I will me more willing to stay here.
H continues to confuse the crap of me. Doing things around the house is one thing, but why the calls??? H called again tonight. S15 and I both answered the phone at the same time and once I realzied son had picked up I just let son talk to H. H talked to son a couple of minutes then asked to speak to me....we must have talked for a half hour or so. Come to find out that H was calling to see what my plans were for my birthday tomorrow, when the kids were getting together, when I was opening gifts, etc. (This from the same guy who last year caused me to not even open my gifts from the kids until the day after my birthday). Anyhow, I told him I had NO plans whatsoever. I then asked if he was making sure S15 had something for me because if not, I would take him out to get me something. H said that he had already spoked to son several times and things were handled there. H asked if around 3 tomorrow sounded OK to open gifts and I told him OK. What I did NOT tell him, or even hint at, was for him to come over.
Once again I ask, if there is all this consideration from H and all this kindness from him, WHY a Divorce????? At times I think this D would be easier if H went back to being a jerk and just disappeared.....but this way I can continue to DB and have hope....I just pray that it isn't false hope....
I am so proud of myself today!!!! I have always been very shy and although I can talk in front of hundreds of students or Boy/Girl Scouts, I have never spoken in front of my peers. One of my personal goals has been to work on overcoming this shyness, so I took the plunge and signed up to teach other teachers at a math/science conference...and I gave my presentation today. I felt it went very well, (lightning didn't strike me down), I had over double the participants I was expecting, and I had many positive commets for feedback. I am sooooo proud of myself for venturing a step forward and not only surviving it, but enjoying it.
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