My, how time flies when one is having fun.

We spent last weekend at friend's home and had a wonderful time. H was even at my house for supper several times this week and the visits were enjoyable.

I didn't see H yesterday but he did call last night, yet it was a very strained conversation. I saw him most of the day today since S15 had a swimmeet and we both worked at it. I could just feel the tension.

I am sure the tension is a result of H receiving my counter charges of D due to adultery/extreme cruelty. It feels kind of nice to be in the driver's seat for a little while.

However, H continues to baffle me. S15 has a swimmeet again next week but it is only a little over an hour away. H asked us tonight if we would like to go to a monster truck event after the meet on Sat. I questioned it since it would be a late night getting home. H just said we would stay the night there. I just don't get it...do guys really see things so much differently than women? If we spend the night, we sleep together, which means we snuggle, which means most of the time , so how does a D figure into that??

On another note, I have started spring cleaning the house, room by room. It is a slow process because absolutly everything is cleaned, but as I am cleaning I am also ridding each room of anything that belongs to H, anything that is actually both of ours, or anything that is a painful reminder of H. I am packing it all up. It is a hard process for me because I have not totally given up on this M, but at the same time I feel I have to be moving forward. It feels like quite the balancing act.

I have kind of been putting of doing the kitchen because H's coffee maker is on the counter. That will probably be the last item I pack up.....it is almost a symbol of our M, once it is gone the M is gone.

I honestly thought I could handle H living here over Christmas while the girls were home, but I realize now that that was a huge mistake. I had hardened my heart before that time but it is sure not very hard now. I know I need to start the detaching again, but it is so hard when we are together almost every weekend.

I wish I didn't feel that there was some hope left for us.....I am just tired.....

Wishing