Wishing, Thank you for your post on my thread... I have been following you, too, since WAY back when.
Quote: I think this is the most confused I have been in 3 years so any advice is most welcomed.
Yep, that's exactly what I feel. I think the only option is to keep taking one day at a time and look out for ourselves and our kids. Quit trying to figure them all out.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Lettie....hope you have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the time off...
HOn,....this taking one day at a time, looking out for ourselves and our kids is getting kind of old. I am bound and determined that next year will be better (it certainly can't get much worse).
I am actually doing pretty good. I don't feel anger, I don't feel hate, I don't feel love for H, rather, I feel more at a point of acceptance. I am still DBing and hoping that eventually things works while at the same time I am getting papers together, getting our assets appraised, etc. so I am prepared to go through with the D. It all really stinks, but the ball remains in H's court.
H called shortly after I got home from work and joked that I had actually gotten home at a decent hour. He also wanted to let me know that he was here after lunch....S14 had several friends over for lunch and H said he came over to clean up the mess he was sure they left. H described the mess and I did thank H for cleaning it up since I would not have been a happy camper to come home to a mess. Actually, it was very thoughtful of H.
We talked some more about the kids and I told H D22 would be home for supper along with D18, S15 and a couple girl friends that were visiting son from out of town. After talking awhile I did invite H for supper so he could see the kids. He seemed genuinely pleased with that.
H went on to ask if we could have a movie night at the house either tonight or tomorrow night. He had already reserved a movie that he thought we would all like. (I can not remember H EVER getting a movie before). I do know he wants to spend some time with the kids while they are home for break so I told him OK.
When H got here he immediately had to show me a couple more gifts he had gotten the girls. It is nice to see him so excited about helping with the shopping.
H helped with the cleanup/dishes from supper, took both the trash and recycling out, and asked if it was OK if he came over about 6 tomorrow night. I agreed and waved goodby to him.
For someone who wants a D so bad he sure seems to be hanging around alot.
Does anyone else see a pattern here?? H calls about the time I get home from work and am fixing supper, he usually comes over to eat and then spends the evening. It was the same scenario tonight except he didn't leave until midnight.
We now have all 4 kds home for a few days and I am sure that is why H is spending so much time here. However, much of the time is spent with just H and I alone...and it is pleasant with no tensions, just being ourselves.
After supper H and I worked on getting all the stocking stuffers wrapped and set aside so Santa can come in the wee hours Christmas morning. There has always been a stocking for H and I also, but I am not sure if H is planning on filling mine or not....so I guess I had better ask pretty soon.
When I got home from work today I noticed that there were 3 packages under the tree....all from H to me. H said he felt like Santa today as he was "sneaking" in the house with a bag full of goodies.
Does this sound like someone who really, truely wants a D???
The past couple of weeks have been very difficult with all the "anniversary" dates.....
2 years since finding out about EA/PA Christmas 26th anniversary D19 birthday New Years almost 3 years since the IDLY speech
But, at the same time it was one of the best holiday seasons I have had in a long while. To top it off, H "moved" back home right before Christmas and, for the most part, things between us are better than they have been for several years.
I am looking at this as my time to build up both my emotional and physical strength to continue on the path that has been set in motion.
D24 and fiance were only home for a few days at Christmas and D19 and D22 both leave on Sunday to go back to college. Since H was only home to give the the kids a "good" holiday, I expect he will be moving out again this weekend.
But, the kids did have a good time at home and there was almost no animosity between H and I or between any of the kids. I really did try to take the high road and let H enjoy all the love and warmth the surrounds the kids and I, and he seemed to love being here. Although I do feel that letting him come home and not telling the kids he had filed for D so they could enjoy their time at home was the right thing to do, I sure do hope this set-back to my emotional well-being was worth including H in our lives again.
I see L on the 11th to sign the adultery/mental abuse/cruelty charges. Since H, S15 and I going away next weekend for a swimmeet, I have asked H if it was OK if I was a couple of days past the "30" days in getting the papers back to him. He sounded fine with that.....although he knows nothing about the mental cruelty part.
I guess my reprieve from continuing with this D is over, and things are in motion again. When H came home from a meeting tonight and parked on the street instead of his spot in the driveway, I knew he was moving out again. It is not a surprise, and I was expecting it since the last of our girls left for college today, it is still painful.
H came into the house very concerned about what I had done with a bunch of money out of our checking account. H just couldn't understand where several thousand dollars had gone, until I told him I had given the L his retainer. But, I also let H know that I had no money left to pay bills.
Come to find out H had put a bunch in our checking account, so at least he is still considerate of our financial needs.
H and I each had a drink while I was paying bills and H was by me working on some other paperwork. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew he was leaving, it would have been an enjoyable evening.
It was very tempting to tell H that I would like him to stay, or that he was more than welcome to stay, but I just needed to let him go. This is his journey and I cannot control it no matter how much I would like to do so.
Does all of this become easier once others know? Our kids don't even know about the impending D, nor anyone else. And, I sign papers tomorrow for adultery charges, yet we are still planning on going away this weekend to good friends of ours so S15 can attend a swim meet there. Somehow a D and going away for a weekend just don't seem to go together in my mind.
I am sure going to miss someone to snuggle up with at night.
We spent last weekend at friend's home and had a wonderful time. H was even at my house for supper several times this week and the visits were enjoyable.
I didn't see H yesterday but he did call last night, yet it was a very strained conversation. I saw him most of the day today since S15 had a swimmeet and we both worked at it. I could just feel the tension.
I am sure the tension is a result of H receiving my counter charges of D due to adultery/extreme cruelty. It feels kind of nice to be in the driver's seat for a little while.
However, H continues to baffle me. S15 has a swimmeet again next week but it is only a little over an hour away. H asked us tonight if we would like to go to a monster truck event after the meet on Sat. I questioned it since it would be a late night getting home. H just said we would stay the night there. I just don't get it...do guys really see things so much differently than women? If we spend the night, we sleep together, which means we snuggle, which means most of the time , so how does a D figure into that??
On another note, I have started spring cleaning the house, room by room. It is a slow process because absolutly everything is cleaned, but as I am cleaning I am also ridding each room of anything that belongs to H, anything that is actually both of ours, or anything that is a painful reminder of H. I am packing it all up. It is a hard process for me because I have not totally given up on this M, but at the same time I feel I have to be moving forward. It feels like quite the balancing act.
I have kind of been putting of doing the kitchen because H's coffee maker is on the counter. That will probably be the last item I pack up.....it is almost a symbol of our M, once it is gone the M is gone.
I honestly thought I could handle H living here over Christmas while the girls were home, but I realize now that that was a huge mistake. I had hardened my heart before that time but it is sure not very hard now. I know I need to start the detaching again, but it is so hard when we are together almost every weekend.
I wish I didn't feel that there was some hope left for us.....I am just tired.....
I did send a reply to you few days ago. But it was not posted for some reasons.
I can feel your pain right now. Still hoping to save the M but also disappointed with what your H did. It is a very difficult decision. My W made the decision. I just accepted and move on with my life. I have more peace now. Not dwelling and hoping that she stays and comes back. The holidays was good for me and the kids. My S hasn't seen his mum for 5 weeks and did not seem to miss her. He seems to be happy now. I hope time will heal his wound.
I am moving forward with my life. I just don't have any more hope that our M will be saved. So I plan my future myself. I am sure I will find a new partner again some times. At the moment my priority is my kids' wellbeing.
I wonder sometimes if it's just habit for them to say and do the things they do. My H talks about where we would like to live next, what our next house will be like (more storage, bigger garage). But still he comes and goes, calls, doesn't call, whatever. He can't make plans for today, but he can think about next month, next house. Maybe because it's so far off, not real, hmmm.
I'm getting off track. I don't know why they do, but they just do think differently than us. Think about this, it's wrong for them to be having an affair and they do it. It's not right to sleep with your x when you have a new girlfriend, and they want to do that too. They're just messed up.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
It sounds like you have made peace with yourself and are truely moving on. As hard as I try, I still have not completely lost hope. However, I have noticed in my prayers I no longer ask for my M to be saved. Rather, I pray for peace and healing for myself.
, so how does a D figure into that??