Lettie, I appreciate your honesty on what you see in my sitch. I am just so torn. On one hand I have accepted that H wants a D...and I am working towards the best settlement I can possibly get. It takes a lot of backbone on my part to even stand up to H, let alone fight for what I feel is fair.
On the other hand, H knows what it would take to stay in the M. While I highly doubt he would ever reconsider our M, I don't want to completely rule it out. I guess I am the fence sitter now.....I have accepted that a D is in progress, while at the same time hoping it can be stopped.
I don't know if it make any difference that ow is 2000 miles away.....yes, there is an emotional tie there, but, if I can believe H, there has been no physical contact for a couple of years. However, I think an continued EA is about a death sentence to my M.
H called about supper time to tell me that he had been to my house today to drop off some mail. Son was home unexpectedly for supper, so I invited H over also. H said he would like that, or we could go out to eat. Homemade pizza is standard fare at my house on Fri. nights so I told him I would just as soon eat at home....he said that was fine and he would be here.
We had a pleasant supper, H helped with dishes, then asked if I was going to clean the bunny cage.....he said he would move all the furniture if I was....so I got that chore out of the road. H ended up staying til about 10:30. I got the feeling that he was waiting for me to ask him to spend the night, but I didn't want to go there.
Maybe once the Holidays are over things will be clearer to me.
D18 gets home from Notre Dame tomorrow night, D22 will be home from her college on Monday and D24 and her fiance arrive on Wed. It will be so nice to have all the kids home, even if only for a couple of days.
I am just so torn as to what to do/not do. I want to continue to show love and compassion, yet stand up for myself and demand the respect that I deserve. And at this point, I still do not want to do/say anything that cannot be undone or taken back if H would happen to "wake up".
Hey Wishing, just wanted you to know I stopped by. It's amazing with all you have going on to know that you had time to visit me. Thanks for all of your wise input and support. Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Hey, Wishing, I have been watching your story unfold and am thinking about you too. Your H. sounds like one confused man. Bet he's wondering why that compartmentalizing stuff didn't work out for him.
I am firmly with YOU. Self respect is worth it. I told my H during my recent temper tantrum that I loved him dearly but that didn't mean I had to stay and take his crumbs. I must say he acted totally shocked, although he still told me some lies. I am hoping that my little hissy fit will start to make him think along different lines. Like, wow, I could lose everything....
Sorry to hijack your story, but it looks so much like mine that I am begining to wonder if they read the same book....
Mel....I enjoy your outlook on life...your responses often make me smile...
Ellen...I have been watching your story unfold and have also found a lot of similarities....I think a book on MLC and what signs to watch out for should be a must read for every newlywed; maybe it would help to avert some of the pain we are going through.
It has been several months now since I quit calling H about anything that wasn't a crisis. And, for the last month, I have only initiated 2 communications with H and those were both through email. If H wants to talk/see me then he has to take the initiative.
H called earlier this evening to see if I had heard anything from D18 since she was supposed to fly in today and her boyfriend was picking her up at the airport. It was a fairly short conversation since I was headed out for a walk. Then, shortly after 10 H called again to see if I had caught something on the news..which I had. I then told him that D18 and boyfriend had gotten here. H made some comment about him wanting to welcome her home.....but I didn't take the bait. We chatted for a couple more minutes then H asked if it would be OK if he came over to watch Sat. Night Live with me and make some popcorn for us all. I told him I would like that very much.
So, H came over, got to see D18 for a little while, I fixed us drinks and we watched tv. At one point we were talking and H had me feel his hands to see if they seemed dry to me. Another time I was stretching and H reaches over to tickle me.......both behaviors which almost seemed like a set up to me. I just let them both go right by me.
H asked if I had plans on going to church tomorrow. Since I almost always go, along with the kids, I had already talked to them about going to the early service. H asked if it would be OK if he came along. On one hand I had really wanted to go with just the kids and I....almost like a trial run for me of starting to do stuff by myself that used to me a couple thing. But, I told H it was up to him....and he said he would really like to go...so he will be here to pick us up. He asked about taking us out for breakfast after church but S15 already has plans to make us omelettes.
As H was leaving he kept staring at me with a questioning look...even commenting about it being so late and he had to drive to his place and take a shower yet tonight. I only agreed with him. H hadn't been gone 5 minutes and he was back....it dawned on him that he didn't have any clothes for church at his place so he got some. Once again he left with a questioning look on his face.
I just don't know what he wants from me. But, I do know there is continued contact with ow and I will never share...
An outsider looking in would not have a clue my M is on the rocks......things seem so normal that at times even I have a hard time believing there is anything wrong.
H picked us up for church this morning where we sat next to one another as usual. There was no flinching away when our hands/arms would touch during the service...we even stayed for the social time afterwards.
We came home and S15 made us all omlettes for breakfast, we read the paper, H fixed the phone while I made frosting and son and I decorated cookies. As I was finishing cleaning up the kitchen I asked H if he had a few minutes so we could go over Christmas/Santa lists so we could figure out what we had left to get. About that time I mentioned I really had a headache and H said that he did also but he thought laying down would help us both. We did spend time on the Christmas lists.....and H even volunteered to get some of the stuff (now there is a first!). There was one store we both needed to go to to pick something out and, since we were finished with our lists, I suggested we go right away.
H was quick to suggest that maybe I would like a nap before going. A nap did sound good so I headed upstairs just assuming H would nap on the couch like he always does. I had only taken a couple steps on the stairs when H asked if I was napping upstairs and if I was sharing the bed. I told him I would......
This is the part where I am so confused. There was no physical contact between us for 10 months, but now that H has filed for D he is so tender and gentle. Where did this guy come from?? And, what do I do???
Later we did our shopping together, H even filled my car with gas and paid for it, we went home and I fixed supper for all of us, packed him a container of cookies, then H went back to his office then to his place.
H seems to be asking to come back into our lives, and so far I have accomodated his asking. I do think that is the right thing to do....at least until the holidays are over.
I am not getting any hopes up though. H continues to do/say things that mean he is pursuing the D. Even little things like putting his coat where company coats go rather than on the coat tree, saying he should clear a garage stall so son can park his car there (which would involve moving the boat and H's '67 Mustang out to H's place) and more hints like that.
Even with a D in process I think that for now I will continue to DB......but that doesn't mean being a doormat ever again!!!
Refering to Saturday night, he was just hoping to get lucky. Don't ya think? The thrill of the forbidden, being a little naughty is always so much more exciting than plain old married sex. And now, maybe that it's so close, the D, he's having a hard time letting go. Or, how's this...the pressure is off of him. He no longer has to feel guilty about having his other life. Now he's free to do things for you becuase he wants to, not because he has to. I don't know your H, so I'm not sure, but it sounds possible either way.
Last edited by Mellanie; 12/20/0403:20 AM.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Wishing, I agree with Mellanie...and I have to tell you, cake-eaters constantly act like this. Again, it is up to you, but I think you have decided to do what you need to, and that is have H in you life, even though he is seeing ow. You are sharing him...and that is ok if you can be happy and live your own life too, because you really need to, just as he is. You do what is right for you...but just be prepared to deal with him, as I said, trying to keep two women happy. I just hate to see you when he doesn't call for several days and make up your mind you are filing on adultry when you are at your lowest. Some of these men can do this forever...but I hope for you that he sees the light and wants the M. Just protect yourself for the long haul.
Dear dear Wishing! I came to visit your latest post after posting at other's places tonight so now here I am bleary eyed and falling asleep but I want you to know I am thinking about you and will repsond tommorow if I am able( I am out of town and using a computer in the hotel room with my H near by so I have to be very careful!! Hang in there and your answers WILL come.
Trish...I I think this is the most confused I have been in 3 years so any advice is most welcomed.
Mel...I am beginning to think that both of your scenarios are playing out with H. I think he is having a very hard time just letting go and just can't quite give the life we had together totally up. From past conversations with H, I am also sure that he now feels the pressure is off of him and he can now do things for me because he WANTS to, not because it is expected of him.
I just cannot quite believe that the sex was for the thrill of it since we went 10 months with nothing (but then, I have been wrong before). On the other hand, it could have been out of caring and knowing it was something I wanted. Who knows....I just know I was OK with it.
Lettie....I do value your opinions since you cut right the chase:
Quote: I think you have decided to do what you need to, and that is have H in you life, even though he is seeing ow.
Until the D is final, I guess you are right. Is it OK that H talks to ow, h&ll no!!!!! But, there is nothing I can do about that. What I do know is that since I discovered H was talking to ow last month and we have had a couple of R talks, that things have improved so much between us. Is that because H is no longer hiding his secret....I think so. But this is also a time when I feel I can just be me with no more walking on eggshells. (And that is a wonderful feeling).
Right now, with the kids all coming home I could make H's life so unbelievably miserable, and believe me, I have thought about it. But, what would I gain???
I am trying to walk a fine line between 1) having H on the outside looking in at what he is missing and 2)creating a warm, welcoming atmosphere that is usually in my home. I don't know if that makes sense or not.....
As far as the D, I have signed the papers that H gave me and the adultery papers I will sign right after the first of the year. There has never been a question that that is what I would do. As far as H doing this forever, it is not going to happen. L figures we will settle around June so there is definitely an end in sight.
And even if H would decide he wanted to give up ow and come home, it would not be that simple; H is aware of my conditions. So yes, I am trying to protect myself for the future, but am not sure if I really am do so.
H called around 7 to tell me he had just gotten a major project finished and mailed off. (Part of my confusion is H talking about his business with me since he has not done so for a couple of years). We talked a little about Christmas gifts then H asked about D18. I told him I would give the phone to her but H didn't want to talk to her. He did want to come over and get his garage door opener out of his car that he is lending to D18 this week...so he asked if it was OK for him to come over. I said sure.
H came over and brought some of the gifts he had gotten today....he was almost like a kid in a candy store....just thrilled with what he had found. H hadn't had supper yet so I told him there was frozen barbecue in the freezer which he heated up along with some other stuff. While he was eating I was busy cooking lunch for several of son's friends tomorrow since a bunch are coming over between taking finals. It was a pleasant hour. H even unloaded the dishwasher for me.
It is too bad ow is still in the picture, if not, I would really believe that H was coming out of his MLC...but no such luck,
Have a very Merry Christmas, I am off for the rest of the week. I hope Raindeer is doing ok, have not heard from him. He is such a strong person, and I know being strong can have its letdowns too, but I for one am proud of him for standing up for himself and his children's lives. I hope he surfaces to let everyone know how he is. Hope everyone here has a great holiday season.
I am hoping that my little hissy fit will start to make him think along different lines. Like, wow, I could lose everything....