I have noticed a definite pattern to our most serious R talks; the more serious and final they are, the closer H draws for a few days, then he swings back out to never-never land.
I have also figured out that most of H's small acts of kindness/helping me out are H's way of relieving his guilt that he has put me through 4 1/2 years of misery. I never understood why he started helping with the dishes, cleaning the bunny cage, etc., etc. while at the same time maintaining a tension filled space between us. But it dawned on me a couple of weeks ago that by helping me out in ways he had never done before he was easing his guilt. (I, personally, would rather he never help me with a single thing, ever again, and just return to my normal H ).
I had a very stress filled day with students today so was not in the best mood when BIL, H and nephew came home for supper. I know I was a grump at supper, but they knew I had a headache and just wanted some rest. After dishes the guys all went to Cabelas for awhile. H seem genuinely concerned that I would be OK while they were gone (guilt does make him nicer ).
I feel like my home has been grand central station with BIL here for the past week, now nephew for a couple of days, and I just found out the MIL is coming on Thurs. for a couple of days. I feel like I am walking a tight-rope.
There will be no company tomorrow night, just son and I. I am really not certain what I should do about H....invite him over for supper/evening or let him make the move if he wants to come over.
I am fully committed to going ahead with the D since H started up his A again. About the only comment he has made to having contact with her again is that the communication between them didn't start until he had made it perfectly clear to me that our M was over. I called him a liar and he did not take that very well (ya know, the Marine Corps officer and all). He didn't tell me that he for sure wanted a D until Aug., a date well after they started talking again. He did make a comment in passing that he had not seen ow, but would not answer any other questions. (According to the phone records HE let me copy they talk several thousand minutes a month, and that is only the records of when he calls her). To me, that is 100% an affair.
I am off one rollercoaster ride only to start my balancing act between pursuing a D and trying to maintain a semblance of goodwill between us.
I was changing clothes for bed last night when H knocked and came into the room I have been sleeping in. With kind of sheepish voice he asked if it would be OK if he spent the night. I told him it was fine (and didn't even suggest we sleep in the same bed, which we didn't).
Then, around supper time tonight H called and said that we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, but was wondering what my thoughts were on him coming over for supper. I simple told him that I felt like I was in a quandary and didn't know what to think. H said he had kind of assummed that he would not be home for supper tonight, but would plan on it tomorrow night since MIL will be here. I told him it was up to him.....there was silence for many seconds until said he would not be here tonight. H did ask if there was a change in plans to let him know and he would do the same for me. I just said OK, see ya later, and hung up.
Over all it was a considerate call (H even volunteered his schedule for next week) and that is sure much better than tension filled ones.
Since H has basically been awol from this marriage for 3 years, I am not so concerned about the emotional/physical emptiness a D will bring. Right now I am very concerned about the financial aspect. After being a stay-at-home mom for 24 years, I just don't make enough to live comfortably on......and that is what scares me the most at this point in time.
Wishing, I think you need to really do what you have to in order to be ok financially. The D was his idea...so I hope you don't feel guilty about getting what you deserve. I would think you would be eligible for alimony after so many years of marriage and a stay at home mom. Although in my state, it is hard to get alimony, but all of that changes fro state to state. As far as H and your interactions with him (supper, etc.), I would not make it so easy for him, but that is just me. I think he is doing what alot of people do...he will want what is not readily available for him...in other words, wanting what you don't have. Try not to read between the lines here...he knows you are soft-hearted and he wants to do what ya'll have been doing for years now, his R intact with you and his other life. Until he knows exactly what he wants (which may never happen, but then it might) he will continue to do what he is doing. Personally, I would go a little dark on him and not be so readily available to give him the comforts of home, but Wishing, that is me and I can only tell you what I would do in a sitch such as yours. But only you know how much you are willing to give and put up with at this point. If your true motive is to really be friends with him and to work out your financial future, then you do what you need to as long as what he does doesn't make you angry...he'll only do what you allow him at this point.
Oh Lettie, I don't feel a bit guilty about getting what I deserve out of the D. In fact, my L said he would get me what was fair but I said "no, I want what I think is fair", which I think is basically everything. As long as H maintains his guilty feelings I think he will be willing to give me more.
Quote: Until he knows exactly what he wants (which may never happen, but then it might) he will continue to do what he is doing.
I couldn't agree with you more! For someone who makes such quick decisions in his business, H sure is at a snail's pace in our R. When I found out about the continued A two weeks ago and told H to "get out" I also told him to get me update D papers and I would sign them. I went on to tell him that if he wanted a D so badly then all he would have had to do these past 2 years (since I found out about the first A) was to tell me he was in contact with ow. I have never, ever waivered on drawing my line at contact with ow. And once I fould out there was contact it was an immediate "get out, I'll sign the D papers".
Well, the "get out" part happened 2 weeks ago and no papers yet. Do ya get the idea H still isn't sure?? To me, he thinks he wants a D, but now that I will willingly give it to him, he is not so sure.
In the meantime, I am trying to live my own life, but if H wants to include himself in that life then I have not turned him away.
H got to my home in time last night to pick MIL and I up to go to son's band/choir concert. H was in a wonderful, warm mood and was as courteous as all get out. These non-tensioned filled times are so nice. I even noticed that several times during the concerts that H would even lean against me and not pull away. That is a big thing for me because H knows that physical contact is my LL.
I went to bed shortly after we got back home but H was still here talking to MIL. I was very shocked when I came downstairs this morning to see H's car still here. I am assumming he spent the night here, but he didn't ask me about it. I guess that is an issue I will have to deal with since I have no intention of giving H quite that much freedom around here.
I still believe that honey will get me more than vinegar at this point in time. However, trust me, my heart has definitely hardened and I will never be a doormat again!
H came downstairs Fri. morning before I left for work and was even the first to say "good morning", and opened the doors for me on my way out.
But, then I didn't hear from him again unitl he showed up here Sat. morning to pick son and I up to go to the city where he had a meeting and son and I were going shopping. Had a nice day with both son and H. I work in the city and will stay overnight there with a friend when the weather gets bad. It is a huge,crappy, open basement that I will stay in so I put curtains up around my little private space. Son helped me while H was at his meeting, but we couldn't get the trundle bed to stay up so, when I picked H up after his meeting, he said he would help me. This is what I have never understood....H not only fixes the bed, but then hangs a light for me, puts up the mirror, tacks up all the extension cords, get the dehumidifier running....... Whether it was done throught caring or guilt, it was still nice. We all did a little shopping after that, then H suggested we go to my favorite restaurant for supper. It was just nice.
H asked about my car needing an oil change, which it did, so H did that when we got home. Then we spent a couple enjoyable hours on the computer finding and ordering gifts for the kids. We then had a drink and watched tv. About 11, I sensed H was getting ready to back to his place, so I went over by him to say good bye.
At that point H said he had been to the L yesterday and had the paperwork ready for me to sign and wanted to know if I wanted to do it then or wait until after Christmas. I told him I wanted to get it going now, so he went to the car and brought it it. I looked it over and told him I would get it to my L as soon as possible and his L would receive a counter suit on the basis of adultery.
We talked R talk. H insists that this D is between him and I, and does not understand why I am dragging the adultery into in. Basically, I do not believe in the irreconcilable differences crap and don't plan on signing a lie. I told him that he brought a third person into our M, so it would be three of us getting the D.
I went on to say that I am done being the one who has felt humiliated over his A. He was the one who had the A, not me. I told him that I actually pitied him. When D22 gave her graduation speech a couple years ago in front of several thousand people, she told everyone that she respected her father becausehe was the most honest person that she knew; that he would not even take a paperclip from the office because that was wrong. I reminded him of that, and also the loathing I heard in her voice last week when she was trying to think of reasons I would ask H to move out. She simple said that if her dad had cheated on her mom then she HATED him. I told H that and also that he had better start coming up with what he is going to tell the kids. I am not doing his dirty work for him, nor am I going to let him off the hook with what he has done.
Several times H would get ready to leave and then something else would come up. Finally, I put my hand in the middle of his back and kind of ushered him to the door. H just kept looking at me like "what the hell are you doing?" H stopped at the door, turned around and I told him I had one more thing to tell him. That if he would remember back almost 3 years ago to when he first told me "I'm not in love with you", I told him that I could finally say those same words to him. That I had always loved him so incredibly deeply, but he had killed effectively killed that love.
I said that he was winning on all counts, and I was losing. That he and the kids had been my life for 26 years and I was losing that, I was losing my H, that he has now trapped me in this town for 4 more years, that I revert to a lowere income status, and he wins on all counts......he gets the D, he has someone waiting for him (he did not deny she is now divorced and getting ready to move here),he wants to live in this town, his income is rising dramatically.
At some point when talking about the A, H said that 5 years ago he was not happy, that he saw his only options as D or suicide. Since his upbring would not allow D, and he really didn't want suicide, that he turned to an A. At that point I told H that I had long ago forgiven him for that A, and that I even actually understood a little about why it happened. But, that in NO WAY condones his resuming it. H didn't have an answer why it started back up again. I said that this would be a lot easier for me if there had not been an A and if I had someone I could call to just hold me with love.
That's when things went downhill. H just did not want to leave. I tried to encourage him out the door several times, but he just didn't budge. H then asked if we went upstairs and had sex if that would help. (Now remember, we have not had sex since last Feb.) I told him that I had never had just sex, it was always making love on my part. A little later H said that if it would make me feel better that he would spend the night with me. Like an idiot I said OK because I just wanted someone to hold me.
I even wore my long-sleeved pj's with pants because holding was really all I wanted. It took H a very long to come to bed, and I figured out later that he was shaving. Anyhow, he climbed into bed, turned to me and asked me what I wanted him to hold. I just took his arms and put them aroung me and snuggled like spoons. Of course I should have known it wouldn't stop at that. But I did find out that even just "sex" can be fun also.
We only got a couple of hours sleep til H had to leave for the airport. I got up when he did, joked that at least he didn't have to shave this morning and made him some coffee. H came out of the bathroom and said we had a problem. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about until he pointed out that he is really bruised all under his bottom lip. I just laughed....and offered H some makeup to try to hide it. We were both laughing. I just told him to tell anyone that asks that he and I collided and we started laughing all over again. H then left but did give me a hug on his way out. As he was about out the door it occurred to H that he had started the car at 11 last night when he was first going to leave, and hadn't shut it off. What a way to end things!!
It is a very complicated situation you are in. You have to know what is the best for you. I wanted my W to let go the om but she did not want to. So I had no choice than to let her go. She can't have both of us. Her heart is also not with the family. ALthough I was OK in the first 2 months. I felt lost sometimes in the last few weeks. I suppose it is part of the process of healing. I will be OK.
I haven't heard from H since he left Sun. monrning. I never really expected to, but he could at least call S15 once in awhile.
I had a disturbing conversation with D18 who is away at college. She is furious that we have not told son that H has moved out. Apparently she had talked to son last night and he still thinks things are OK between H and I. I don't know why I am putting off telling him....maybe it is because he starts finals on Fri. or maybe it is because of the holidays, or maybe it is because I just have not quite given up all hope of H getting his act together.
Tomorrow I have an appt. with L to counterfile on adultery charges. Even though H file wanting joint custody of son,I am toying with the idea of asking for sole custody. At least that would give me the option of moving out of state to get a better paying job. I will see what L advises.
I have been working on getting papers/numbers together to figure out expenses and assets. What a pain in the behind!!! It just doesn't seem right that H wants this D, yet I am the one who doing the crappy work.
A few prayers sent my way would be wonderful. This whole thing just absolutely, positively stinks!!!
I signed the D papers tonight and put into motion a counter suit on grounds of adultery. I thought I would feel something when I signed, but never thought that feeling would be one of relief. The show is now in motion....and back in H's court.
For financial reasons I have asked the L to drag his feet on the filing, so H won't get the paper work until mid Jan. A couple of weeks after that H will have to testify under oath about his A. L is also throwing in questions about H's finances. I did ask for a copy of what questions will be asked of H.....L said I could request more questions if I wanted, or even delete some.
I hadn't talked to H since he left Sun. morning, but as I was pulling away from L's H called my cell. What timing! I just told him I was late leaving the city and headed home. He called because FedEx was unable to leave a package at the house that was addressed to me so had taken it to H's office. H was sure curious about it so I told him to open it....since I was positive it was Christmas presents for the kids.
H sounded so lost on the phone....we had a pleasant 10 min. conversation, and it was nice. However, I kept getting the feeling that H wanted to say something but just couldn't get it out. I finally told him I would talk to him later and hung up.
I think H just wanted to talk.....and the package was only an excuse (I found from son that H had called home and told him about the package before calling my cell).
Oh well, right now I think H is being so nice because he doesn't want to rock the boat before the Holidays. And I am falling for the kindness. But, like I told the L, I am a mom at heart and really don't plan on talking to the kids til after Christmas.
Wishing, my opinion is that the other night when he spent the night with you will only do all of you more harm than good. Please, do not be offended by my saying that...we all need at times to be close to someone and to feel like we are wanted sexually and intimately. Your H is doing one of the hardest things he will ever do...trying to keep two women happy. One one hand, he has OW, and he has chosen to not stop seeing her. On the other, he has you, his W of over 20 years, and feels the pull of that, and you do give in to it. The reason one night of intimacy can do so much harm is because it can set you back emotionally...and he goes back to what he has been doing and what has worked for him so far. I think that you are a most understanding and compassionate person...and I for one think you deserve better, mostly because he only sees the harm in your finding about the whole thing. That being said, the only thing left for you to do is to let him live with HIS decisions and feel the consequences. Wishing, he might sound sad, but realistically, he does not have to give up his M or you! He knows that...and like most WA's he doesn't want to give up his security, but wants the love of another woman. I think he knows his time is almost up...and he can't have it both ways. IMO, that is why he is sad and confused. How much you are willing to endure is up to you...but you have filed now with adultry charges...so I would be very careful about letting him spend the night again. In some states, if you file on adultry with one spouse knowing about an active, on-going affair and you are still sleeping with your spouse, it has an affect on how it all comes out. So be careful once papers are served. Like Raindeer, I will pray you find peace with your sitch also.
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