Lettie, Raindeer, I knew what my limits were and H knew them also. There simply will not be an ow and me at the same time.
I met with my L today and gave him the D papers that H had drawn up 16 months that list irreconcilable differences as the grounds for D. L said to make sure H has current ones drawn up. Once I get the new ones I plan on counter-filing with papers charging adultery. By going the adultery route H will have to answer questions under oath about his sexual history while we were married. At least this way H will have to shoulder some of the blame.
D22 called last night to see how I was and we talked for over an hour. The kids do not know the reason that I have been unhappy for the past 3 years or why H has moved out. I made it very clear to her that although I insisted H move out, it was not what I wanted. Rather, it was the only choice I felt I had left.
In our talk she made the comment that if H had cheated on me that he had cheated on her mother as well as her brother and sisters. And, if that was the cause of so much pain for me, then she would hate him for it. There was such hate in her voice just thinking about it, yet I have given her no hints as to the cause of my M problems.(Now I realize H's fear of the kids knowing about the A).
The night before D18 called to check on me. Of course she wants to know the reason also. My conversation with her with rather troubling. She said that she knew H had not cheated on me because she just knew that I would have divorced him by now if he had.
I hope the kids will eventually realize that I have not been weak, but that it has taken a great deal of strength and conviction to fight for a M when the going gets rough. However, there is also a time to call it quits, and now is it.
Although H will not be back in town until Fri. night, I picked H's brother (BIL) up from the airport tonight for a week stay with me. BIL has no clue that H has moved out. I know I could tell him, but I think that is H's place.
I am really struggling with why I have not told anyone about H moving out or his apparent 4 1/2 year A. Part of it is embarrassement and shame of H doing this to me. I need to get over that, since it was NOT me who cheated. I think it was also partly me trying to protect H. I felt that if no one knew then that would make it easier for H to return home if he chose. I guess maybe that is why I still haven't spilt the beans. I am and will move forward with a D, but I know that I have still left the door open a crack just in case H gets hit by lightning and comes to his senses.
Quote: I think the final straw was your H not coming forth with the truth when confronted.
Lettie, you were right on the final straw; it was more important to H to protect ow than to tell me the truth. Dishonesty, skirting the truth, is not something I will tolerate any longer.
So yes, I did everything in my power to save my M, and yes, I did what was right for me...kick H out and agree to D. It hurts so bad, but at the same time a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel good about my decision.
Wishing, in time your children will come to understand...right now, they may not want to really believe that he would do this. As far as your timeline on making him leave, that was your decision and yours alone. Do not beat yourself up about it. But I can tell you this...once you go through this, I seriously doubt you will put up with anywhere near what you did before. I know I won't. I was in a state of denial and didn't want to believe someone could do that to me, but once I knew for a fact, it was over. I am not competing with another woman, ever...it is just too painful and I feel as adults, we all make choices...and he made his. His cake-eating was for his benefit and his alone. And I promise, you will feel a great sense of relief...for one, you did give it a good while to work itself out and gave him the benefit of doubt, so you can stand tall and know that you did what you had to do. I think that if someone shows remorse and wants to make a R work, they will do everytbing in their power to do just that. Many people recover from affairs. The ones that do not show remorse will not give their all to a M. I remember what you said about H thinking nothing should change, that you could interact the same as always...and in his mind keep OW too. That is totally selfish and not acceptable, especially after all this time. I think back to being so horribly hurt and betrayed and wonder how someone could be so cruel as to play both sides. But it happens and we are done with it. I am sorry this went on for so long and you have alot ahead of you, but please understand that the worst is really over. Your hurt and pain has surfaced and you are on the road to healing, as is Raindeer.
Lettie, your support and encouragement mean a lot. I am amazed that you write almost exactly what I am thinking and helps me reaffirm that I am not whacko in not tolerating an ow. I'd rather go through the pain of D than live with the pain and humiliation of ow.
H has shown no remorse for his A. His most telling statement when I first confronted him was "I never meant for you to find out". It wasn't "I'm sorry", or "I was wrong". So much for being a Marine Corps officer and upholding truth and integrity.
I am amazed at the peace I feel and the sense of relief on getting things started to end 3 years of limbo. (Of course H is not back in town til tomorrow night so that helps. )
BIL is spending the week at my house but I will let H tell him of the separation when he gets back. In the meantime, I am enjoying the fruit of 26 years of friendship with BIL. We were even talking tonight that even though we both have several siblings, we consider ourselves to be true brother and sister. I sure hope that friendship survives the war ahead.
S15 was telling BIL of the tricks he plays on the girls on his swim team. At one point in the conversation BIL said to son that some day the girls would get revenge. That "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". I couldn't help but comment that that was more true than he realized.
I truely did forgive H his first A and was more than willing to forge ahead and repair our M. But, never once in 3 years did I ever feel that H showed remorse or a willing to work on mending out M. I, like many others here, just want a M where I am loved, cherished and respected. I don't think that is asking too much.
Lettie....I have looked for a current thread but can't find one for you. But, I have read many of your posts to others and feel that you are speaking many of the thoughts that I am thinking. Thanks for sharing and encouraging.
Just writing to say that I love you and I hope you're doing okay. I just want you to know that, even though I don't know what's going on, I'm confident that you are handing it the best you can and that the decisions you have made have been the right ones. I know you well enough to understand that you're doing what must be done.
You said that Dad is the one who wants to leave, but you are the one who finally told him to do so. I respect the fact that, even though you don't want him to leave, you have been strong enough to realize that he should.
You deserve to keep your pride no matter what.
I don't know exactly what has been wrong, but I know that you are a very strong woman and that you can get through this...and no matter what, I will be here for you whenever you need me.
Wow, what a note. And she is right in everything she wrote. Thankfully, I don't have a current thread. I came here when I was devasted from a failed R, but that was a long time ago. I am ok, actually happy at this point. I see an old bf of mine...nothing serious, but we enjoy each others company. I have been through serious cr*p with him also, but he did not betray me, only didn't treat me with respect and one point. But the tables are turned and he is more interested at this point. He knows how I feel, and I would really like to meet someone else who I am more compatible with at this point in my life. He is not a giver...nice, but not a giver...and I am. But I gave too much to the men in my life, and I see that clearly now. That does not work either...he took me for granted for many years. So with that said...I will tell you how I feel about R's in general. Do what you have to do, whatever it may be, whether it is putting up with a mid-life crisis, an affair, disrespect, whatever...until you feel it eroding your self esteem, self respect, and dignity. I have put up with a great deal...some things I might do again, many, many other things I will never put up with again. I simply cannot allow someone to see another person while they want me also. I might walk away and leave the door open for a certain amount of time, but that is all. I think back to what I allowed my ex-bf to do (not my current, but the one who I came to this website about), and I cringe at the thought now that I was so weak. The lies and doing things right in front of my face...it is hard for me to even think back. But wishing, we all learn from our past mistakes and R's, whether it be a marriage or just a R...and boy, what you and I have learned will more than likely not allow us to suffer like this again. You and Raindeer deserve so much more...and I have to tell you, your H saying "he never meant for you to find out..." tells it all. Just a tad narcissitic, eh? Hang in there...life will be good for you. You have great kids and you get out there in time to enjoy life. Put this behind you for now.
Lettie, I made a decision 2 years ago, and told H, that if there was ever any communication between him and ow then our M was over. I never waivered from that. So, in a way, my decision and conviction of that decision, to kick H out, was made 2 years ago. I never gave it a second thought that I would not follow through.
H called tonight to see what time son's swim meet is tomorrow. I didn't know off hand and told H I would check the internet. H asked a couple of times if I would call him with the info. He also said he assumed we would be riding down together and I said that was OK.
When I called him back a few hours later, he tried to make a joke about us having to leave so early (5:15 am) but overall sounded tired. (He won't get back to town from his business trip until midnight). He asked 3-4 times if I wouldn't call him at his place when I got up because he didn't have an alarm clock there. He then said he would be to my home about 15 minutes before we have to leave. (I am assuming early so son won't know he didn't spend the night here?)
What I am finding (I hope) is that I can be pleasant to H without any expectations for our M. Anger over what H has done is not consuming me by any stretch of the imagination, but there is enough there to give me strength.
Wish me luck in spending all day tomorrow with H at a swim meet!!
I had a very pleasant day with H. Our hour trip to the swim meet was very relaxed and, for a change, H was actually talkative. H even surprised me by sitting next to me most of the several hours we were at the meet. He even went and got us some lunch which we shared. And most shocking of all, H actually leaned against me several times. (It has been 4 months since H has not recoiled when even brushing against me.)
Who in the heck is this guy????? For me, today was all about what being married is. You share, joke, listen, and enjoy one another.
We got home mid-afternoon and H wanted me to go with him to get a sump-pump that needed to be replaced. I told him I would, but I would like to take a nap sometime. H suggested we take one before going out shopping. We did, but in seperate rooms.
When I woke up from my nap I started supper since son was starving. H was here, set the table, and joined in. Then we went shopping. Even that was very much like old times, very pleasant and relaxing.
We got home, visited with the kids, H fixed his coffee maker for morning, then left for his place. This was the first time I have actually watched him leave my home for his place and that was difficult.
I THINK I CAN!! I think I can do this. After all, I figure I can end up with more $$$$ in the D by using sugar than vinegar.
I feel like I have "dropped the rope". While I had a wonderful day with H, there was no question in my mind that he would not be staying here. Just because H was nice today does not mean that I have swept this A under the rug.
For me to even entertain the thought of letting H back he would have show remorse and get into C. Neither of which will ever happen. I will no longer ever be with someone I do not trust......and I most certainly do not trust H.
In the meantime, I can enjoy H's company without getting my hopes up, and that has to be helpful to everyone.
Wishing, glad your weekend went well. I think that as long as you don't have a problem spending time with H when he is involved with OW, that is fine. We all have our boundries, and you certainly know what your can and will be. The only thing I will say about your confusion about H is this...there are people in the world who want to hang onto a M...the comfie feeling, family time, etc., and have the other also. I think if you can be friends with him without expecting anything else, then all the better. Some can, others cannot...it all depends on how you want to handle the sitch. I do hope that you are getting out or plan on it in the future...do you have friends you do things with? I know it is hard with kids, but I for one would like for H to see you living your life just as he is. I know in time, this will come more easily...and don't have too many hot meals waiting for H...he'll be at your doorstep every night when you might have OTHER plans LOL.
Lettie, I don't feel I have any choice but to remain "friends" with H until the D is final. I have too much to lose if things get ugly between us. However, just because I have chosen to remain on friendly terms does not mean I have any expectations. At this point, no matter what H does, he crossed that line and I am ready/willing to head full throttle toward the D. (But, like most of us here, I will leave the door open a crack, but there are a lot of hurdles H would have to jump over first and I just cannot see that happening.)
In the meantime, I really am wondering just what is going on in H's mind. Yesterday was another day at son's swim meet. H once again would brush against me every now and then, almost on purpose. After the swim meet we went to a Christmas gathering with all of his Aunts/Uncles/cousins. I had a nice time there. When we got back to my house, I swear H patted my behind. I was so shocked I didn't react at all, but rather kept on walking.
Then, I was headed to bed very early and told H goodnight. As I was coming out of the bathroom from washing up and was headed to bed, H stopped me. He said he assumed that since BIL is still with us for a few more days that it was OK for him to come here for supper. I told him that is what I assumed also. (It really is OK with me since BIL doesn't know H has moved out.....although why H hasn't told him is beyond me).
Anyhow, H then stepped even closer to me and told me that the bra I was wearing really looked good on me. (Now this is from a guy who has not given me a compliment on the way I look for well over 3 years!!) I just looked at him in shock and said thanks, although I was tempted to actually lift my shirt up and model it H then stepped away and said, "For what its worth, that bra really looks good on you". I just kind of giggled, said "Thanks Hon", went in the bedroom and shut the door. Where in the world did that come from?????
H called me tonight to tell me he and BIL were working on a project and would be late for supper. H's voice was cheery and there was a happiness to it. It was nice to hear that for a change.
But, no, I am not reading anything into that. Especially since things feel so much like they did in the beginning of Aug. and H told me that things had improved between us then because he felt that I had finally accepted that we were getting a D.
I just had another strange encounter with H, hence my being awake at 1:30am.
When I went to bed at 11, H and BIL were downstairs cutting up a deer. Well, a little while ago I heard noises in the hall, so I went to investigate. It was H just coming out of the bathroom. He said that he needed some shaving cream, which he had in his hand.
He then said that he was also going to come into the room I was sleeping in to see me since he didn't feel right just leaving without checking in with me. I told him "thanks". He seemed to hesitate in leaving so I just lightly squeezed his elbow and he turned around, grabbed my hand, and gave it a light squeeze. Now lets see, as far as I can ascertain, it has been over 3 years since H has reached for my hand in any manner. His behavior is so unbelievably strange.....
But, back in the swing of things, I am chalking all these strange behaviors up to H wanting a "friendly" D.
) 
