When H and S14 got home from deer hunting we all went out and got a Christmas tree and got it put in its stand. It smells sooooo goood. Had a nice time getting the tree and a relaxing evening afterwards.
Shortly before heading to bed I told H I had one question for him......when the last time was he had any contact with ow. H must have sat ther mulling over the answer for at least 5 minutes, but I didn't say a word, just let him sit and stew. He finally said he wasn't talking about it. I then asked him when the last time he saw her was and again that relpy that he wasn't talking about it. Then I asked if he had actually broken it off 2 years ago like he had said several time, but still no answer.
At that point, I let all DBing out of my head and asked H to go down to his office because I wanted all of his financial records so he didn't "cook" the books. While there I also asked for the the phone records. H was very unwilling for me to copy them, but I did. (I know there is no direct evidence on there, but still a number I can use.)
H has had the D papers for over a year now and I told him if he would get the kids ages straight I would sign them and let him do whatever he has to do. (I believe ow has moved close by and is not the 2000 miles away she was.) However, I asked him for the name of ow because it will be on the adultry charges I will counter file with. H has never, in 4 1/2 years, let on who she is, but I do know.
It was about midnight when we got back so I told H he could stay the night since he and S15 are going deer hunting at 5a.m., but it was the last night. H got kind of angry at that and asked why he was the one to leave. I simply told him it was because he has been spending hundreds of dollars a month on a trailer that he might as well start using.
Things didn't go quite like I had planned tonight; I was floored when H would not answer any question. But, I was very calm through the events and didn't let H browbeat me like he does so often.
I know I have pushed H into moving out, but he has known for the last 2 years that I will not share him with ow.
H is now blaming me for stalling the D. Although I have 16 month old D papers in hand, I have not been served with them nor do they have the kids' correct ages. I told H he was the one stalling the D since he could have had it anytime the past 4 1/2 years of his A if he would have told about the A.
I guess I need an appointment with the L this next week. But, I have been DBing for almost 3 years now and it is going nowhere. I have honestly tried and feel that I have given as much as I possibly can to save this M.
I am more sad than anything now, but I am sure the pain will come....
Right now I am just so angry....angry at myself that I could be so dumb, not once, but twice. I guess I bought the lies hook, line, and sinker because I always had hope that the M would work out.
Does anyone know how to look up a cell phone number? On the phone record H gave me, he stopped constantly calling a certain number the end of Sept., but then started calling a local cell phone number at all hours of the day and night. I am fairly sure ow has moved here from 2000 miles away, but would like to confirm it. It is just ammunition to use to get more of what I want in the D settlement.
H and S15 left for deer hunting about 6 this morning. I really did expect H to have packed up some of his stuff during the night, but he didn't. I have no idea what time they will be home tonight but I do not want to be here when H gets home. Right now I just want him gone, out of here. I will deal with the fall-out later.
OK, I have a new one.....how in the he!! do I get H to LEAVE. When H and son got home tonight from deer hunting, son came with me grocery shopping. I told H we would be gone an hour and just figured he would be packed and gone when we got home. But noooooo....
He has now made all of us popcorn and fixed a drink as normal. I am still being nice and civil, but I want him OUT!!! There is nothing left to salvage of my M and it would only be an act of God to make things work. Barring that, D, here I come.
H is having an A, pure and simple, and I won't be a part of it any way, shape or form.
I have been preparing myself for him leaving and am ready for him to go NOW, but I do not feel like I should tell him again....I just told him early this morning. I still have to be civil since that is the most likely way I will get more in the D.
I am very sorry about your sitch. I did the same thing to my W. I wanted to believe her that the R with the om was over. I wanted that we stay together. But I have to accept the fact that my W does not want to give the om up. SO the only way is that she moves out.
Your H is the one who is having an A, so he has to move out. Not you.
I am preparing to have a settlement that could go nasty if she is listening the the om. But it is life.
I can understand your feeling of betrayal. It is your decision about what you would accept or not accept. You can ask a trusted friend to call the number of your H's cellphone if you want to confirm who she is. Just pretend that your friend has dialed a wrong number.
I find more peaceful now. Not worrying whether my W is doing behind my back. I have to move on with my life. Pray to God to grant you peace also.
I think it would be time for me to just be straight forward with him. No beating around the bush...this has been a very long haul and he is so comfortable coming and going as he pleases. Have you approached him before about leaving? Maybe this time you have to really say what you mean and mean what you say. I don't think there is any other way...it might be tremendously hard, but a relief and a gigantic step to a move towards your future...
I came home from work and just knew that H would have at least packed a bag since I was very clear on Sat. night that I wanted him out. But, no..... For that matter, H even called at supper time and told S15 that he would be a few minutes late getting home to eat. So, son set a place setting for H.
H came into the house in a good mood and actually was nice to be around. After eating, H helped clear the table and do the dishes. When we were done with that I was in the basement getting a room ready for BIL who is coming Wed.
H came down to the basement and told me he was headed back into the office but he wanted to make sure I knew what his schedule was for the coming week. He was so nice about it, especially since he hasn't been that open with his schedule for months, or is that years??
I listened to H and then asked him what he schedule was for leaving, as in moving out. H said he would be out of the house for the rest of the week on a business trip. I told him "no", I wanted him out tonight. H really hemmed and hawed and it finally came out that he had no intention of leaving until maybe the end of next week. I told him no, I wanted him out tonight. He tried to throw all these roadblocks up as to why that wasn't possible, but I had solutions for everything.
We then talked a little about finances with H having just gone over our checkbook with a fine tooth comb. He found nothing wrong, just that we go through more $ than he thinks we should.
Ya know, I almost feel like a jerk for insisting H leave, but I am just not going to be taken for a doormat anymore. H CANNOT throw me out little tidbits of kindness and expect be to bow to his wishes. Finding out about his continued A has given me a backbone, and I am not bending.
I am hurt and I am angry, but I also feel pity for H. There is alot of talk about forgiveness, and I forgave H a long time ago for what he has done. But, forgiveness does not letting H walk all over me.
A lot more went into the conversation so will post more later.
For now, I DID IT!!! H is out and I can finally start on my journey of healing (although I dread the pain I know is coming).
wishing, please do not feel like a jerk...you are just a compassionate person and hate to "lay the law down", but look how he has chosen to treat you. I think that it is cruel to keep coming home, knowing he has OW also. How another person can keep stringing another along is beyond me, and I must tell you, it is for very selfish reasons. My counselor told me that many years ago...coming and going isn't for you, and you cannot be his safety net forever. Let him live with his choices...I have read more threads about this kind of thing happening, and I have to say, I know of none that go on for this long to work out. Raindeer is a good example of this, and he knew he could not carry on like this forever. It is just too painful. If someone realizes what they have done, shows remorse, and works diligently to make things work, then there is a chance...and this way is even hard, but worth fighting for. I believe in second chances with my whole heart...but if their heart isn't in it, nothing changes. I think that your H thought you were going to give in as always...you have shown him that you want your life back and start to heal. I personally think that the only way you will even begin to heal is when a gigantic step in the right direction. Sometimes the hardest things we face in life are actually the things that can change our life.
I am proud of you to say what you need to say. Only you know what is your limit. Nobody else can.
I have been thinking hard and long about my W. If her heart has nothing left for me, what for I am holding her back. If she showed remorse, I would fight hard to win her back. But she did not. So I let her go and move on with my life. I don't want her to have the om and me as well as her financial security. I am glad that I don't suffer the pain of having a cheating wife anymore.
I hope that your H accept your boundary and shows remorse. pray to God to bless you with peace.
I agree with Raindeer, wishing...everyone has their own limits and boundry setting for these sitches. Do what is best for you. I think that when it just gets too hard and we feel deep down inside that we are hurting ourselves more than we are working to regain our R, then it is time to change things. I know I almost got a stomach ulcer by allowing things to go too far and ignoring signs of an affair, so for me, I know what my limits are, and I could never allow it to affect my health. At least you know you did everything in your power to save your M and allow H to see what he wanted with his life. I think the final straw was your H not coming forth with the truth when confronted. So you do what is right for you now, whatever that may be.
But, I have been DBing for almost 3 years now and it is going nowhere. I have honestly tried and feel that I have given as much as I possibly can to save this M.