I really don't like starting new threads. For one, it taxes my computer knowledge to the max, and second, since I am still seeking advice and support it means I am still hanging on for dear life.
Recap: Married 25 years 4 kids (15 - 23) Heard the bomb over 2 years ago (33 months ago to be precise, but who is counting?? ) Found out about an ongoing 2 1/2 year A, 22 months ago (supposedly has stopped). H asked for D July 03, had papers drawn up, showed me the papers Aug. 04, but still has not filed them.
H now has his own place, moved out for 2 days in Aug. and has been home since. But, he continues to furnish his trailer and is slowly moving his stuff from our home to his trailer. 3 weeks ago I asked him to stop the slowly moving out business. If he is moving out, then do it in one shot, but that I could not handle just slowly seeing his stuff disappear from our house.
H honestly feels that he can have his cake and eat it also. Only, in this case, the cake is the kids. H sees no reason why, when he moves out, that we can't just go on like we have been. The only difference would be that he would be eating and sleeping elsewhere. Maybe that would be OK for someone else, but not for me.
I am hoping that H got a little taste of reality this week. H left on a business trip at early Sunday morning. Of course, he was the one who booked the flight before he had even checked if anything was going on with the kids and I. Too bad for him, but there are a ton of important things going on this week that H is missing, and realizes the importance of the events.
1. D18 came home Sat. night from Notre Dame for fall break. We hadn't seen her since the middle of Aug. She is leaving for school before H gets back. He got to see her a whole 10 minutes.
2. It was opening weekend for pheasant hunting. I was the one who got S15 his hunting license and took him hunting since H was gone.
3. Had a big birthday bash for my mom. 5 of us siblings, with families, were together and H enjoys H all of them. We even went back to our home church and H missed seeing so many old friends.
4. H missed S15 playing an opening act for Maynard Ferguson, a jazz legend.
5. S15 has both a vocal and band concert this week and H will miss those.
Unfortunately for H, he neither checked our calendar nor asked about activities before he made his plans. His loss, but I am sure enjoying myself.
H has told me he is moving out, I KNOW he is moving out, I just wish he would get it done on his own. I absolutely cringe when I am alone with him because I am just waiting for another bomb to drop. But, on one hand these bombs are almost becoming predictable. It seems there is a pattern to H's madness after all. When H does something nice for me (or what HE perceives to be nice FOR me), then I start wondering what bomb I will be hit with next. For example, a couple of weekends ago H all of a sudden decided that I needed new faucets, so we bought them and he installed them. Why it was ME that needed them I have no idea. Anyhow, it was the next day that he moved a bunch of his stuff out of our bedroom.
I wish someone would clue me in on H's thinking. H had our insurance agent over Sat. morning and upped his life insurance, with me as beneficiary. H said that he wanted to make sure that my half of his military retirement would be replaced if he died, and that I had enough money to cover the mortgage and pay the kid's college loans that he has co-signed for. I thought we had enough life insurance on H already, but we upped it $200,000 more. Why does he do things like that?????? Deep in my heart I don't seem to be able to accept the fact that although H seems to care for me deeply, that he could really go through with a D. But then again, I see H on a slow tract to D.
I have enjoyed 3 days without hearing from H...until he called tonight. Someone from the house called H's cellphone but didn't leave a message, so H called home to see what was going on. (It turned out that S15 had called H but that I had already answered son's question.)
S15 was headed out the door for a choir concert when H called. H seemed upset that he didn't know about the concert...but I reminded him that I had heard S15 tell him about it last week and H's only comment then was "I won't be there".
Well, the conversation went down the tubes from there. H had asked me to take care of a flat tire, which I did. But, as H is prone to do with me, he gets frustrated with me if he doesn't know all the details immediately without giving me a chance to tell him what went on. After about 2 minutes I was fed up with H's tone of voice and told him that he confuses me when I talk to him, then I wished him a goodnight and hung up. I just wished he hadn't called, or that I hadn't answered the phone.
So much for DBing when we can't even carry on a conversation. Of course, the conversation before I started explaining about the flat tire was very nice, but then again, all we talked about was H and what he was doing, with me validating him up the ying-yang.
I had supper with D18 and D22 a couple of nights ago. Somehow we got on the subject of the "5 Languages of Love" and come to find out D22 had read it. We talked some about it, then D22 said that she had been trying to think of any adult couples that she knew that seemed happy and that she could only think of 1 that she felt was truely happy, and they had only been married for a couple of years. That is so incredibly sad! It was even sadder that she does not think of her own parents as being happy (but we are not). I most definitely do not have the type of marriage that I want my kids to have.
The girls were also talking about the fact that H can NEVER admit he is wrong. That is so true. I can remember H sitting in MC's office and c telling him that an EA is cheating. H threw up his hands and said; "I do not consider what I have done, wrong." And that was even before he admitted to a PA. If H could not even admit that having a PA was wrong, I guess nothing is wrong in his book. I almost told that to the girls, but held my tongue since they do not yet know about the A.
S15's concert tonight was wonderful and he looked so grown-up in a dress shirt and tie. He is over 6 feet now and looking quite the dashing young man. I am enjoying my time with D18 while she is home on break and fixed her one of her favorite meals tonight. No matter my feeling towards H, he did give me 4 of the best the things of my life (my kids), and for that I would really go through this pain all over again.
I can understand your frustration about your H's indecisiveness. But if the A is truly over, I think it is worthwhile to continue your DBing. He may be still confused with what he wants.
In my W case, she does not want to let go the om. So there is no alternative than to S. I don't want to get hurt again and again.
My D was very upset when she first knew that my W was having A. But somehow my W managed to convince her that she loves the om deeply and asked my D to accept her decision. Now it seems that my D has accepted the fact of her A. My S is the one who is still very upset. He did not react badly when he first found out about her A 2 years ago. Maybe he was too young (13) at that time and did not understand the implications.
strange things your h is up to eh? sounds a bit familiar to me...oh the things my h did for me while he was walking out the door (or actually while he had already moved out). Putting in new faucets, suggesting getting a pool and central ac for the kids and me, giving me cash etc. at first I sat and thought wtf does this all mean? why is he being extra nice and thoughtful when he's leaving? then I sat back and said to myself..duh! regardless of what he's saying or what direction he seems to be heading in I matter to him.
I know it's not an easy position to be in...don't give up hope but find a way to be comfortable and accept the choices he makes...in the end if he's allowed the choice he may find he doesn't want what he thinks.
Wishing, Just checking in. I want you to know that I still think of you, and wish you the best. Visiting the site less often is a sign of healing, so I take it to be good when you don't post every day. I'll believe that it is because you are rebuilding, and moving on -- with or without H.
Kelli, you are right. I am in the process of rebuilding, but, unfortunately H really isn't included.
Things are doing nothing but slowly going downhill. After being at least civil for a couple of weeks, H is now being nasty again. When he gets nasty like this it is almost always because he is hiding something. I just haven't figured out what he is hiding.
I am at a point now that I avoid H as much as is civil to do so since I don't like to be around him when he is acting this way.
Actually, for the past couple of months I have come home from work each night fully expecting H to have moved out during the day. So far, no such luck. I am not exactly sure what he is waiting on though. Several weeks back I told H I could not stand him moving things out little by little, that he needed to take it all in one swoop. During that same conversation I also told H that what I wanted was for him to give this M until Christmas, see a MC, and as a side note, I wanted sex. Somehow I am getting the feeling that all he heard was that I wanted him to wait until Christmas til he moved out. (I wish he would hurry up and leave and get this process rolling).
As for me, I am doing OK otherwise. I just got back from a trip to see all 4 of my kids. Two of them went with me and we met up with the other 2. This trip had been planned since last Aug. and H was invited along. However, he chose to go deer hunting with friends instead. For me, that was a good decision on his part. Partly because I had a wonderful time and secondly, the kids got to see just where H's priorities are.
S15 went with me and we picked D22 up a couple hours later. We then headed to Illinois where D23 and her fiancee met us for a day/night. (H and I hadn't seen her in a year so it was great to be with her). We then headed on out to Notre Dame to see D18...and were even able to get tickets to the football game. That was a blast! It was a great trip and I got to spend so much quality time with the kids.
One thing I have noticed since I have been back is that H is asking questions to see what I did with the kids. I have volunteered very little information but will tell him if he asks. I decided a while ago that I am no longer a mediator between H and the kids.
It is good that you enjoyed the trip with your kids. It is hard to have a spouse in limbo. I am over that now and rebuilding my life. Just make sure you keep your kids together and enjoy activities with them together. If your H does not want to participate, go ahead without him.
Now my W has moved out, I don't need to tell her where I go for holiday. We have our own life to lead. If she is happy with her life, it is fine, if not, it is her problem. I am just doing my own enjoyable activities. In this Christmas, I am going to Europe with my 2 kids as planned.
I had a very disturbing conversation with D22 a couple of nights ago. I was very upset because I had just come from H's office where it was apparant that he had spent several thousand dollars on "fluff", yet had not given me a penny this month to help out with the bills. I was not upset over the fact that H had bought stuff for the office, but rather that I was at the point where I had to ask (i.e. beg) H for money. H always makes me feel like a beggar asking for a handout.
Anyhow, D22 is seeing me as "weak" where H is concerned when she has always known me to stand up and fight for injustices. I just told her that right now H has something hanging over my head (D papers) and I am just biding my time. D22 then went on to say that she is trying not to take sides between H and I, but that for as long as she has known me, she has never known a time that I was wrong while H was right. She would trust my judgement over H's every time, and that she feels that I am doing my best in a bad situation.
The next day I had an email waiting for me from her that just said she was praying for me. How thoughtful!
H was his usual jerky self for supper tonight. He came home late, ate, then went back to the office. I am really being to think that all his time at the office each night is not actually "work". I have held off on the snooping, but I would love to see his phone records.
On a strange note though, before H went back to the office he did go downstairs and fold a load of clothes that had just finished drying. That is so unbelievably out of character for him.
I can understand your feeling. Your D is too young to understand that you did it for the family. My D said to me once also why I did not ask my W to go if she did not want to give up the om. I told her that I want to give her chance to think about it. I care about our family. If I did not, I would have thrown my W out long time ago. But I am now at peace with myself. My W chose to leave for the om. She can't blame me later for what she have done.
You probably need to talk to your H about financial arrangement while he is living in the house. It is his duty to share the household expenses. But I know it is not easy to talk about it while your H is still in limbo land.
I just could not put my finger on why H has been acting like such a jerk lately but he is usually that way when he is hiding something.
Well, I did some snooping today with the full realization that if I found any hint of OW then I was asking H to leave. Lo and behold, I found evidence dating back to June that the A is still on. (I didn't look any further back.)
It is a good thing that H and S15 are out deer hunting because I have had some time to calm down. Yet, there is a confrontation coming up tonight. I drew a line in the sand almost 2 years ago that H has now crossed, and I am not redrawing the line. I fully expect H out of here tonight, but will see just where our talk takes us.
I am not looking forward to talking to H, but I am curious to see just how many lies he tells before finally admitting the truth. As a retired Marine, honesty has always been something H has prided himself on, I guess everywhere but in our M.
I just feel to numb to hurt right now, but I am sure the pain will come later.
