Fat Girl's Revenge

[MJontheMend]

Regardless, the sting of those comments will take a while to go away. They do leave very real scars.

This is helpful. I guess I needed validation that it isn't "wrong" for me to still feel hurt even though my H is now acting nice. In a way, the fact that he is being so nice and HD now is part of the problem because I now see that he had a choice in his behavior and made choices that hurt me. It was easier for me to excuse his behavior when I could just assign much of it to a genetic tendency towards LD and crabbiness.

The only thing you can do is to spend as little time as possible dwelling on the old hurtful things, not for some mental gymnastic award, but because they have been addressed and hopefully dealt with by your husband, never to return. In time, those scars will not be so painful or obvious.

If he has not addressed those issues, then he needs to, NOW.

I am trying to avoid thinking about old hurtful things but maybe that's counter-productive because what seems to be happening is we'll be talking and something that is said that is perhaps completely unrelated will suddenly trigger a bad memory for me and I'm hit with a tidal wave of hurt or anger. For instance, when I hear the word Easter, I remember last Easter when my H wouldn't go to my Mom's house with me and the kids, was crabby and rejecting of me when we returned and I discovered he had crashed my computer with a virus from an internet porn site while I was gone. So, maybe if he's really nice to me next Easter my brain will burn some new associations for me, but until then it's not going to be a good topic to bring up. Unfortunately, there are quite a few topics that currently affect me in this way. I wish there was some way I could gain complete catharsis because ignoring the memories doesn't erase them.

What did you mean by addressing the issues? He has admitted that he was immature and superficial because of lack of self-esteem but he still believes that my weight gain was one of the main reasons for his LD behavior. He feels that his porn addiction was the other main reason. He truly believes that most overweight women don't get laid. When I tell him that he's wrong, he says my sources are unreliable. When I gave him the specific example of my overweight sister and her HDH, he said my BIL was overweight too.

I was at my daughter's band concert this afternoon. The band director is an extremely overweight man. He is also pleasant, socially poised, humorous and confident. If I was his W, I would be worried about his health but I wouldn't be turned off enough by his weight to reject him sexually even though he could probably stand to lose 150 lbs. In fact, if I were given a chance to choose a husband all over again, I would choose a kind, confident HD obese man over a self-involved LDH with a great body and low self-esteem.

I find it most pleasant to read of your new life with your husband.

Things are good now and they would be better if I could have a bad memory lobotomy. I just keep telling myself that since I am choosing to look forward to a happy future with my H, I am only hurting my own cause by not getting over my resentment. I guess there are just centers of emotion that I can't reach with rational thought.