Fat Girl's Revenge

[MJontheMend]

I'm having a setback. My H is still mostly doing every thing right. He's being affectionate, respectful, sexual and communicating openly. I know he's working hard to show that he values our relationship.

Here's the problem. He blamed me for his LD because I was overweight and lacked fashion sense, so he was mean to me because I was overweight and lacked fashion sense. I readily admit that I am more attractive now and I have no intention of gaining back the weight, but I feel sorry for fat me. Also, I have to ask myself why I want to be involved with a man who is only nice to me when I am thin. I know it has a lot to do with his own self-esteem, but sometimes I don't care. I know I'm regressing and being overly simplistic, but I've never seen a single movie or read a single book in which the ugly duckling turns into a swan and then lives happily ever after with the character who called her ugly and shunned her company.

[Laura1]

I can certainly see why you would resent this, but look at it from a guy's perspective.

It seems like most men fear getting married and then the wife getting either a. fat or b. not wanting to have sex. There are probably a few more, but these hit me as some of the things I've heard them say.

I think they see this as a huge lack of respect, when we let ourselves "go". And giving a man respect at home means that he can basically deal with all the disrespect he gets outside the home.

I know having kids, slowing metabolism, lack of time to work out, etc, presents a HUGE challenge to maintaining weight. Believe you me, as I sit here 10 pounds overweight...I know!

I have figured out that my H's self esteem is deeply connected to his sex drive. There are a TON of things that I find "odd" about what he thinks is "respectful". I can argue and fight it, but that got me almost D'd. Today, I try to ferret them out, and am seeing how as I work on them, my H gets a bit more to be what I want, too.

Does this have to do with a fear that you *may* someday slip into getting overweight again?

Try to forget the fairytales--your story is 1000x more interesting, with a "real life" prince charming and everything!! It has certainly given me a renewed sense of hope!

Laura

[MJontheMend]

I think they see this as a huge lack of respect, when we let ourselves "go".

I know that this is true because this is what my H has tried to convey. It just doesn't make sense in some ways because 2/3 of all adult Americans are overweight. How can a problem shared by the majority of your peers be a personal indication of disrespect? I was just normal middle-aged midwestern mom overweight (at least half the people waiting in line at the donut store were fatter than me. LOL) I think part of the problem in my sich is that my H is naturally skinny (6'1", 165 -frequently eats two double quarter pounders or whole pints of ice cream with no consequences). He has no clue how hard it is to lose weight so he didn't understand that it wasn't as simple as just making a choice to eat fewer calories.

Does this have to do with a fear that you *may* someday slip into getting overweight again?

No, I'm "scared slender" for good I think. But, I have worried that other superficial things may occur that will zap his desire and kindness such as wrinkles and sagging. I guess if I can believe that my overweight was an issue with him because he felt like I had some control over it,perhaps he'll cut me some slack on the aging process because clearly there's not much I can do to avoid that eventually.

The real problem I am having is that I may not be able to treat him with respect because I may not be able to feel respect for someone who is unkind to someone who is struggling with a problem like losing weight. I suppose I should try to be kind to someone like my H who is struggling with the problem of self-centered immaturity, but this is difficult. It's like that saying "I'm tolerant of everything but intolerance.". I guess I'm finding it hard to be "kind to the unkind". I'm stuck back in the Old Testament looking for an "eye for an eye".

[InherJourney]

JJ,
I think it's part of the healing process to have past angers and resentments flare up as you progress. Remember that part of these feelings about H has to do with you...anger and resentment at yourself for being allowed to be treated this way.

Once again, you highlight an important area of sexuality--- superficial appearance and the aging process. I believe how WE handle these issues will affect our H's perspectives.

I personally feel I have looked "hotter" in the last 2 yrs than I did a decade ago. Yet, a few weeks ago my H pointed out some graying of my hair. I let it go at the time but brought it up in MC, stating that I feel I maintain myself well but cannot deny reality and that his comment said more about him and where he is at than about me. I said while I appreciate his concern about my appearance, he is best off,as my H, sticking to positive comments as we age together. The counselor gave me some validation( he he)anddiscussed some fears H had.
IHJ-- who still has that plan to be a sexy 80 yr old, wrinkles and all

[Laura1]

I know that this is true because this is what my H has tried to convey. It just doesn't make sense in some ways because 2/3 of all adult Americans are overweight. How can a problem shared by the majority of your peers be a personal indication of disrespect?

Ok, I haven't posted here much, and hope I'm not going to offend anyone, but...

(and I am 10 pounds overweight, so what gives ME the right to say this--I deserve it if someone thrashes me)

I have a HUGE disdain for overweight people. Wrinkles, age spots, etc, are things you cannot control, and they are endearing. I look at my H's graying hair, and I think how blessed I am that I will "see him through this life". Yeah, we'll have all the wrinkles and all, and we'll have made it!

People who are overweight--I think of them as having selfish, self-indulgent personalities. I do often think to myself, don't they have any self-respect? Don't they care about themselves? their spouses? their kids? who have the burden of having to deal with all the problems of an overweight person?

They have the ability to control this (most of them do--I KNOW there are SOME with the THYROID problems). But if we are all honest here, 2/3 of our "peers" don't have to be overweight.

Now, I'm not nearly so "hard" on people that are only 10-20 pounds overweight (hey, like me!) But I might be if I worked really hard, gave up the Hagan Daz and the Krispy Cremes, and made the effort to get rid of it.

Your H is naturally thin, so heck, I may look like an obese whale to him.

I would find him to be totally unfair if you were overweight when he met and married you. But I don't think that is the case.

Hope that made sense!
Laura

[InherJourney]

I have a HUGE disdain for overweight people.

Hi Laura,
One of the people you have "disdain" for is my father, who at 80+, has struggled with his weight his entire life. This "burden" to society grew up in the Depression and began helping his family at the age of 5, served overseas during WW2, has been a loyal spouse to his one and only wife, and was always a good provider for his family.

This "burden", despite his age and medical problems, still works for a foundation to help underpriviledged children and contributes to various charities.

He can tell you something unique about each one of his grandchildren, still has an ability to lighten up difficult moments and somehow keeps a sense of humor in the face of his mortality. His family and others still appreciate his advice and wisdom.

I watched The Burden read a poem last nite to my 10 yr old son.

Sometimes what we disdain has to do with something within ourselves. Sometimes we need reminders that we are only human, after all, and perhaps we should save our contempt for the truly evil people out there.

IHJ

[honeypot]

JJ,
I think your resentment is a little misplaced. I think you should be pissed at his RUDENESS not the fact that he was not turned on by your figure. That is a matter of personal preference. If he prefers his women to be more thin than fat, then that is what he prefers. He can't help that, anymore than I can help the fact that I like men with super short hair.

But the fact that he was mean and rude about it is completely unacceptable. He should be flogged for being such an insensitive ass and "blaming" you for his LD, when that likely had little to do with it. I'll bet if you were to convey your fears about wrinkles to him, he'd laugh and say he won't care at all about that. What do you think?

My H prefers me to be thin, also. I have no problem with that. After D5 was born, I did not lose 20 lbs of the baby fat that I gained. I kept this on until after D2 was born and then lost everything. He was not overcome with lust for me, but he did mention that he really liked my new figure. I still don't inspire him to desire me, just based on my looks, but the fact that I am thin (read: will be thin soon, lol) makes it MUCH easier for him to respond to me sexually.

However, even when I had an extra 20 lbs on me he never said a word about it. When I'd gripe about it, he'd say to start exercising and that was the only indication I had that he would prefer for me to lose weight. At that point I was 155 lbs and five feet nine inches, so I was far from obese but the fact remains that when I weigh 135 (my preferred weight) he finds that far more appealing.

Anyway, if I were you, I would address the fact that he was rude and mean and leave the weight out of it. It is HIS preference and telling him that he is out of line for feeling that way will get you nowhere, imo. But he really should be told in no uncertain terms that there will be no tolerance for that kind of behavior in the future--those days of Jenny being the whipping girl for MW's crappy behavior are OVER.

Good luck getting past this; I know it still stings..:(

Love,
Honey

[MJontheMend]

I think it's part of the healing process to have past angers and resentments flare up as you progress. Remember that part of these feelings about H has to do with you...anger and resentment at yourself for being allowed to be treated this way.

Once again, you highlight an important area of sexuality--- superficial appearance and the aging process. I believe how WE handle these issues will affect our H's perspectives.

It is true that I have felt some anger and resentment at myself for allowing myself to be treated that way, but then I remember that there were children involved. The fact that I was the mother of young children put me at an unfair disadvantage because of their dependency on me. Therefore, he should have treated me with respect as long as that was the situation. I suppose I feel a lack of respect for him because he violated this code of conduct.

I got a positive spin in the superficial signs of aging department the other day. I went to a local history museum with my MIL who is quite wrinkled and the equally wrinkled curator of the museum delayed our research for quite a while as he flirted shamelessly with my MIL.

[MJontheMend]

I would find him to be totally unfair if you were overweight when he met and married you. But I don't think that is the case.

I wasn't overweight when I married him but I've always been a big girl, my ethnic heritage gave me a body that is made for digging potatoes out of the frozen earth while breastfeeding twins. He was pathetically underweight when we married (6'1" 135). We had both gained about the same amount of weight since we had been married (I am a good cook). I don't see how it's my fault that he went from scrawny to slender and I went from healthy to hefty(especially since I'm the one who gave birth twice!). At my highest weight, I had absolutely no health problems and actually ran a 5k race in the Clydesdale division . I didn't get "hit on" as much as I do now when I was heavier but I was sexy enough to get some attention. Also, the woman he was dating before he married me had a far worse figure (heavy and out of proportion) than I have ever had.

I'm no longer overweight and now that I've been lifting weights, I actually have a better figure than I did when we were married even though I weigh a bit more. I'm still a big woman 40/30/40 5'9" and I actually think I look better at my current weight than I would if I lost more weight because I am more interesting looking than most skinny women my age because you don't see many 39 year old women who are a totally toned size 14 (Actually I wear either a 13 or a 15 because I shop the junior department for my funky hip-hop jeans and little skin tight t-shirts with the cookie monster or curious george on them. Since I generally wear my hair in a high pony tail, I kind of look like a giant sexy 30-something year old toddler with large breasts most of the time according to my sister.)

[MJontheMend]

think your resentment is a little misplaced. I think you should be pissed at his RUDENESS not the fact that he was not turned on by your figure.

I am pissed off at his rudeness not the fact that he doesn't dig full-figured women.

I'll bet if you were to convey your fears about wrinkles to him, he'd laugh and say he won't care at all about that. What do you think?

I did convey my fears about wrinkles and his reply was "I don't know. How am I supposed to answer a question like that?"

But he really should be told in no uncertain terms that there will be no tolerance for that kind of behavior in the future--those days of Jenny being the whipping girl for MW's crappy behavior are OVER.

I have told him this and he knows that I mean it. The problem is I have a hard time letting go of grudges once I develop them. I RARELY develop them so when I do they run deep. It's not fair for me to keep holding this grudge, but I don't know how to get over it. I suppose I should go shop Amazon for the Grudge-Busters book.