I'm sure I could get reimbursed. I just don't know if I want to be reimbursed. I don't mind telling you all what I'm doing, I don't mind if my boss or my brother knows. But some faceless bureacrat who determines whether I get to keep paying premiums for insurance? Now that is a person who shouldn't know. It sounds to me like I'm sufficiently protected, though.
Quote: Hairdog, forgive me if I missed the post, but did you have that conversation with your W about not being willing to spend a celibate life? How did it go?
I haven't had it ...yet. Things have actually been going better lately. Still no sex, but ever since I lightened up and started being funny again, things have loosened up. She and DD3 were out trick or treating last night in the rain. W and DD3 were both dressed up as cows...it was pretty cute. When they came back home, W was pretty wet. I asked if her udders were wet, and got a squeeze in, with no face slap from her. I even pulled her onto my lap for a quick smooch during the evening. I think she's gonna break any week now!
Good luck, Paul. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry the anorexia book doesn't seem to be helping...I hadn't actually read it; it just sounded interesting based on the description.
Paul, As one of the faceless bureaucrats at a health plan, my job is administer the plan your company buys from us, actually I'm a customer service rep, but close enough. Rates are determined by benefit package(everything that is covered) and the health of the individuals in the group and then whether they are utilizing the benefits beyond what underwriting predicts. So in simiplier language if your coverage is through your employer, we don't care what you're doing, the health plan will pay the benefits based on what service you get. In really basic language, just file the claim with your insurance and see what they do when they process the claim. You should get an EOB after the claim is processed with the determination.
Scott -Again thrilled to do health insurance 101.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
I'm the one who brought up the book-- you should see MY library!
The author Patrick Carnes is an expert on sexual addiction, and has also written some books on that.
Here's a link to his website. LOTS of information there, including definition of sexual anorexia and sexual addiction: http://www.sexhelp.com/
This a truncated version of his comments on sexual anorexia from his web page. For the rest, follow the link above.
Quote: They suffer silently, consumed by a dread of sexual pleasure and filled with fear and sexual self-doubt. They feel profoundly at odds with a culture that tirelessly promotes sex but is strangely unconscious about sexuality. It is not inhibited sexual desire they are experiencing, although often they possess a naiveté, an innocence, or even a prejudice against sex. It is not sexual dysfunction, although their suffering often wears the mask of physical problems that affect sex. It is not about being cold and unresponsive although that certainly is a way in which they protect themselves against the hurt. It is not about religious belief, although religious sexual oppression may have been a place to hide. It is not about guilt and shame, although those feelings are powerfully experienced. Nor is it about sexual betrayal or risk or rejection, although those are common themes. It is simply the emptiness of profound deprivation, a silent suffering called sexual anorexia.
Sexual anorexia is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. Like self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money, deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against all hurts. As with any other altered state of consciousness, such as those brought on by chemical use, compulsive gambling or eating, or any other addiction process, the preoccupation with the avoidance of sex can seem to obliterate one's life problems. The obsession can then become a way to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a furtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilating a part of oneself.
The word anorexia comes from the Greek word orexis,meaning appetite. An-orexis, then, means the denial of appetite. When referring to food appetite, anorexia means the obsessive state of food avoidance that translates into self-starvation. Weight concerns and fear of fat transform into a hatred of food and a hatred of the body because the body demands the nurturance of food. food anorexics perceive bodily cravings for sustenance as a failure of self-discipline. The refusal to eat also becomes a way for food anorexics to reassert power against others, particularly those who may be perceived as trying to control the anorexic, trying in some manner to prevent the anorexic from being his or her "true" self. Ironically, many food anorexics are driven by a powerful need to meet unreal cultural standards about the attractiveness of being thin. A terror of sexual rejection rules their thoughts and behaviors and is a primary force behind this striving for thinness. The irony here is that sexual anorexics share precisely the same terror.
Specialists in sexual medicine have long noted the close parallels between food disorders and sexual disorders. Many professionals have observed how food anorexia and sexual anorexia share common characteristics. In both cases, the sufferers starve themselves in the midst of plenty. Both types of anorexia feature the essential loss of self, the same distortions of thought, and the agonizing struggle for control over the self and others. Both share the same extreme self-hatred and sense of profound alienation. But while the food anorexic is obsessed with the self-denial of physical nourishment, the sexual anorexic focuses his or her anxiety on sex. As a result, the sexual anorexic will typically experience the following:
-a dread of sexual pleasure -a morbid and persistent fear of sexual contact -obsession and hyper vigilance around sexual matters -avoidance of anything connected with sex -preoccupation with others being sexual -distortions of body appearance -extreme loathing of body functions -obsessional self-doubt about sexual adequacy -rigid, judgmental attitudes about sexual -excessive fear and preoccupation with sexual diseases -obsessive concern or worry about the sexual activity of others -shame and self-loathing over sexual experiences -depression about sexual adequacy and functioning -intimacy avoidance because of sexual fear -self-destructive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex (More on web page)
I may not know your face, but I know your name! I'm glad to get the info.
My W will not hesitate to go to the dentist or Gyn, but she flatly refuses to see a C. Weird isn't it? She'll allow someone to probe inside her body, but not ask her questions that might shed light on our marriage's difficulties.
My W is coming home today and I need to get ready. I don't know what kind of mood she will be in, but I've gotten over most of my irritation and can at least talk to her.
I don't want to lose momentum. W may want to talk about bills and mini-blinds, but I want to talk about us. I will first ask her whether she has thought about what I told her about co-sleeping in Japan leading to wide-spread child abuse. I will mention that I have an appointment with a Japanese C and that I would be happy if W would accompany me. I will try not to get angry regardless of her responses. And I will ask W to agree to sleep with me every Saturday night, and ask her to not egg on the kids on those nights. Other than that I will be open to her suggestions.
Regarding egging on the kids: the main thing that angered me was that on the night we agreed to sleep together, W allowed a tired D6 to cry and carry on when her Mom would not sleep with her. D6 claimed that she has nightmares on the nights when no adult sleeps with her. On hearing that, W nearly started crying herself. Well, the last two nights while W was overseas, I put the kids to bed, lay with them 30 minutes till they fell asleep then went to my own bed. Each of the following mornings, kids were bright and bushy-tailed, with no talk of nightmares. I even asked D6 about her dreams this morning and she said something about Power Puff girls. I don't even think she realizes that I didn't stay the whole night.
The other day, S4 asked me why I want to sleep with Mom. I did not give the truest answer, that I want to pork her , but gave a more age-sensitive answer, "Because that's what Mommys and Daddys do." But I swear the wheels are turning in this kid's head. It sounds like the classic Father and Son vying for Mother's attention, but it's kind of fun.
One last thing: about power. It could be that W refuses even to discuss our the sexual aspects of our R because it could lead to her relinquishing her power. Ironically, my American C suggested that W behave the way she does because she feels a lack of power. I feel that in 21st century America, power should give way to discussion, dialogue, negotiation and, if possible, consensus.
Paul, who doesn't understand why public schools are closed on election day
Even though I'm the one who discovered this Pandora's Box, I want to say that this
Quote: I will first ask her whether she has thought about what I told her about co-sleeping in Japan leading to wide-spread child abuse
doesn't seem like a very productive way to bring up the subject. Clearly co-sleeping is very common in Japan, whether or not there is widespread child abuse. Clearly, your wife sees nothing wrong with co-sleeping, and I suggest that if you bring it up in a way that challenges not only her cultural norm, but her opinion of the practice (and you already know her opinion), she'll get defensive immediately and the walls will go up.
When you said that your daughter said that she gets nightmares when she sleeps alone and this almost made your wife cry, that makes me think that it reminds your wife of when she was a child. It struck a chord with her.
You might get farther if you approach the subject in a more oblique and diplomatic way. You could start with something like, "I've been thinking about the co-sleeping arrangement, and there are some nice things about it. It's very cozy and sweet and it must make the children feel very safe and protected. My parents and I never did this, but I'm wondering what it was like for you? Was it a pleasant experience? Did it make you feel safe and loved?"
This opens the door (which I doubt if she will walk through) of her reacting, "Oh yes, I had terrible nightmares if I slept alone. I was scared to sleep alone."
Or more waffle-y, "Well, everyone did it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to sleep alone, and anyway, if I had wanted to, my mom/uncle/father/grandfather wouldn't have allowed it."
Or something unexpected like, "It was my mother/uncle/grandfather who had nightmares if I didn't sleep with him/her. I wouldn't have minded sleeping alone."
Or, "We all slept together unless we were being punished for something. Then we had to sleep alone and it was awful until mama forgave us."
Who knows what went on back then? You said once that she won't talk about it.
In any case, bringing up the topic in a kinder, gentler way shows that you understand that this is a value for her, and that you are not challenging her belief that this is a good practice. It seems to me that the way things are right now, she sees you as an adversary. She feels that she has to defend her beliefs and her practices.
If-- and it's only an "IF"-- she was abused as a child, it would be very hard for her to admit it to you if she doesn't feel safe. In her culture, it's possible that whatever went on-- and again, it's only an IF-- was considered the norm, and to complain about it would put you outside the pale. I know enougn about Japanese culture to know that the group is generally valued over the individual, and that if that group is the family, it is valued over all.
Even rebellious, independent American girls have a hard time acknowledging and sometimes even remembering abuse... I would imagine it would be even more difficult fof a Japanese girl/woman.
Edited to add: I just read on the other thread that your wife initiated your first sexual encounter. That's really interesting... was she really interested in sex early in the R? Sometimes abuse victims can be VERY sexual... even promiscuous. As a flight attendant, does she have guys coming on to her a lot?
, but gave a more age-sensitive answer, "Because that's what Mommys and Daddys do." But I swear the wheels are turning in this kid's head. It sounds like the classic Father and Son vying for Mother's attention, but it's kind of fun.