Could you live with the co-sleeping if you still had a normal sex life?
Excellent question. My answer is affected by practicality concerns. When would this normal sex life take place? I just don't see her setting the kids in front of a DVD and sneaking into the bedroom for some nookie. Yes, the kids are in school a fair amount, but most of those times either she or I is at work. My thinking was that if we slept together we would have time to chat every night, even if we don't ML that often. Put the kids to bed and have a few hours together outside of bed? Sounds great, too, but it just doesn't happen.
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What if you successfully get the kids in their own beds and she won't sleep with you anyway? In fact, it sounds like this is what would happen because she'd be angry at you and lonely for the kids.
That's exactly why I haven't acted unilaterally. My C advised me to get the beds, but you are right that W may see this as an affront.
As the evening progressed, my anger subsided, but my self-righteousness did not. It is only Lillie's research that has caused me to rethink the correctness of my position.
There are many negatives about co-sleeping. Germs and viruses multiply, there are the kicks to the eye, and the SNORING.
I guess I should come completely clean: I really like sleeping alone. Even W crowds me in the bed.
So what the f am I complaining about? The lack of sex, of time alone together, of conversation, of course.
I figure that if W and I have a few hours together every night, then yes, we could get the fireworks going. If she wants to leave and sleep with the kids, fine with me.
Quote: What is the inevitable thing that I am avoiding?
I think it is the two choice dilemma we often talk about: you have a choice, W. You can choose to make love to your H, or you can choose not to. If you choose not to, I can't promise I'll stick around forever, or even for tonight, because I never agreed to a life of celibacy.
Oh THAT inevitable thing. I just think that such dichotomies don't exist in the real world. And you should know better than anyone that such choices are non-enforceable.
Paul- You were ready to spend the night in a hotel. The non-enforceable part of that two-part dilemma is only when you're not willing to put your money where your mouth is. When you mentioned about kicking and beating in the bed, it sounds like your situation is even worse than mine. I'm not trying to bait you, or even challenge you. I'm just trying to help you think...and I'm trying to help myself, too, as I can see two situations with similarities and differences.
I used to think Asian women were hot, but now, since hearing about your W, I can't help but look at them and see a continent of sexually-repressed uh...flight attendants. (Almost said stewardesses).
What were the circumstances of her kicking and beating you in the bed? Did it seem to be a reflex on her part-- like when you tap someone on the shoulder from behind and they turn suddenly? Did it happen if you made a sexual move, or just accidentally brushed against her? Did she seem to be angry at you for taking liberties, or seem to be really defending herself? Did she seem afraid you would want more? Did you catch her by surprise? How did you negotiate the production of M and K? Don't mean to sound like the third degree, but this could be a clue to the root of this thing... If she was routinely expected to go along with incestuous contact when she was a girl, then she may indeed be deeply wounded and have no psychological choice but to defend herself. And the Japanese taboo on discussing sexual things outside the family may very well apply to her discussing with you anything that went on in her family of origin.
Paul, What is unenforcable about saying "I can't promise I'll stick around forever"?
Is this untrue?
As far as sleeping alone, did you mean alone alone or just preferring to sleep with your wife only?
And what about making up a few game plans and letting your wife see that you are willing to be flexible but that there must be SOME solution to this problem.
Such as: Solution #1: Develop a bedtime routine with kids that leaves parents at least a half hour of alone time. Cosleep afterwards.
Solution #2: Designate one bedroom as the adult room and make plans for a date there at least once per week.
Etc.
I think the real issue here is that you are afraid to confront the elephant and demand that your wife address the lackanookie.
I know where you are at right now. For several years I tried to convince my H that his religious fervor was tearing us apart. Now this was ONE of the issues but not my biggest issue at all. I was just afraid to bring up the other one--sex.
Once I did, things began to immediately improve. The religious stuff was still there to deal with but we had already dealt with the largest issue between us--as a married couple--so dealing with the individual stuff was a piece of cake.
Maybe you could confront her tonight and tell her that your biggest issue is really not the sleeping thing but the fact that you are living as a celibate.
Do you think she would leave instead of agreeing to have sex on a regular basis?
When you're negative, every incident that happens even if its a neutral one is percieved as negative which of course depresses one more.
likewise when you're postive or having a good day things that are neutral tend to be viewed in a positive light when tends to positively reinforce.
I ran across a book with a title of "how to achieve happiness: overcome anxiety and depression. " I was interested since being diagnosed with chronic dep. I didn't really think too much of it, but thought i'd try a few things because the thought of being on 40 mg. of celexa for the rest of my life did not thrill me. AT first I was on 20 mg. and am probably developing a tolerance.. At first doing the excersizes seemed stupid and i didn't like doing them. then they just felt uncomfortable, and then a funny happened: i seemed to be happier in the morning and when i woke up even if i was down due to a marital fight the night before it didn't stay with me as long and i was even able to interrupt myself when i spiralled down. the real benefot though has been that i've now reduced my dep meds from 40mg. to 10 mg(1/2 dose) in about 3 weeks and i actually am happier. Even my wife's neg comments don't seem to bother me as much. Perhaps the best tools we have for happiness are right inside the brain and don't cost anything.
I can assure you I was mad enough to do it.