I'm a little late, and you've gotten lots of explanaitions, but I'm going to jump in too.
I think this part of the board is a little different in that for the most part, we haven't left, or been left behind. We're dealing with an essential part of our M, and trying to do it while running normal lives. Like someone said, there is noone to talk to. When a S leaves, you run to Mom, or your best friend and say 'They left me!' Think what the response would be if you said 'They won't have sex with me!'
You know, while I was reading HP's thread tonight, I was thinking, I can see my husband in a lot of what she says, and not just the avoiding sex part. It bothers me that I have painted my H in not so beautiful colors (to say the least). He's a good guy, but not so good at relationships. If it wasn't possible to come here, to spill my guts and say what do I do???? I would be going crazy.
For most of us, keeping the status quo, or making our S feel comfortable does just that - makes them feel that everything is ok, while we're still reeling inside. If you read, you'll find that lots of people here have fallen over backwards making their S lives more comfortable, hoping that they would realize how much they love them, hoping that they would agree to share that special intimacy between two long term friends/lovers.
I for one admire all the people who've had the guts to post here, and I think their Ss are lucky people for having someone so committed to them on their side.
I hope things work out for you, and I hope you're soon able to find yourself in your own bed with a warm and willing W. (hey, the Red Sox are in the World Series, anything can happen, right )
May I ask a question? How often do you visit Japan? Are your R dynamics different when you are there?
I know that it sounds like I use the cultural issue a lot, and I don't mean it to be a defense, but it is an added dimension. Yes, I know there are a lot of people who live in two different cultures, and do it well. I would actually consider myself one of them. But my H never has. He doesn't understand that I am not, nor will I ever want to be wholly Finnish. It has nothing to do with one country being somehow 'better' than the other, it's just that I can't completely change who I am.
I've learned which parts of me are due to my cultural upbringing, and which are the parts that aren't. I know I have changed in outlook since I've moved here, of course I would have grown had I stayed in the states, but in a different way.
But I also know that there's a core of me that will not change, that was shaped by the communtity that I grew up in. It's more than FOO, because it's the whole world that surrounds you (there have been studies done that show that children develop their cultural identity somewhere between the ages of 8-13, and will internalize whatever culture they are living in at that time), Your schooling, friends, TV (or none), music, food...
When we apply our cultural values to another culture, we get into trouble. There are basic human rights and needs, but they can be gotten in innumerous different ways.
Asking M&K's W, or my H to 'become' American is denying their own core. That doesn't at all mean that I agree with what either of these Ss is doing. My H is being disrespectful in just about any culture. But handling him is different that handling an American spouse would be. Think if HP's H had married the daughter of a rabbi (this is hypothetical :-) ) and you might understand - but still, both of them would still have grown up in the same cultural setting.
Yeah, it's a small world, but not as small as we would like to think.
OK, so all that was for 'naught, as I don't really have any solutions, just some food for thought...
Just a quick answer, more later. I go to Japan once or twice a year, for 1-3 weeks at a time.
Are the dynamics different there? Well, I must say I am something of an a$$ while I am there sometimes, partially due to jet lag and partially due to being away from my routine.
My kids are so much smarter than I am it's pathetic. They are so close together, it's a joy to watch. I know that will wane, but it hasn't yet.
I've tried to be comfortable with the fact that she plans her life, and therefore mine, with the help of a Japanese fortune teller. The FT said that next year isn't going to be so good. Boo-Hoo!
Do you sleep in the same bed in Japan? Do you have sex while in Japan? Can you visit the same fortuneteller and get a reading on some of this stuff (no sex, etc.)? The info might have some credibility if it came from a source she believed in.
I don't think anyone enjoys going back to the principles again and again, as you mentioned. But if we want change what choice do we have?
I know that sometimes we all just get fed up and vent! We're human. I just see a lot of regular negativity and you know it takes two to tango!
That's what DB is about, from what I can see. We all fix ourselves and stop blaming the spouse. That doesn't mean that what they are doing is ok. It just means that we work on what we have control over...ourselves.
One of the things my DB coach said was to NOT be bringing up what you are unhappy about in the relationship. That will KILL any passion that may still be there! Lots of these things are on the site and said way better than I could say.
I just see threads with no one speaking up about DB principles that will help and bring solutions. I suppose that is what I was trying to say. Being a friend is both understanding and empathizing, but also encouraging them to do something that will bring POSITIVIE change.
I know this is not my thread and I apologize...but I don't know where or how to start another one on this subject. Please forgive me.
It's okay! So, what brings you to these hallowed halls?
In our case, NOP (HD spouse) led the way and I (LD spouse) wandered in later (much to his initial dismay) . We've gone from near relational death through to a mucho better relationship. It was not zero to 60 in X number of seconds, but after several months, a gazillion arguments and quite a few difficult moments, we're in a good place.
I agree flutist. We all have need to vent at times. I just try to make sure than whomever I vent to will empathize with me...but I don't want them to help me sling the dirt. I do that very well myself.
I need that person to remind me of the right thing to do and cheer me on to do it.
Hi NG- Why don't you start a thread discussing DB principles that you have found useful and give examples. I'd be very interested in reading that. HP has been VERY good about not being negative... it's just that she burst this past weekend (having just "burst" the week before with a new baby girl! )
Belive me, we want to be positive and we want to do what works!
(You may already know this, but when you're in someone's thread, click on "index" -- not "main index"). When you get to the Sex Starved Marriage main screen, click on "post.")
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. We've gone from near relational death through to a mucho better relationship. It was not zero to 60 in X number of seconds, but after several months, a gazillion arguments and quite a few difficult moments, we're in a good place.
HP has been VERY good about not being negative... it's just that she burst this past weekend (having just "burst" the week before with a new baby girl! 