I myself am guilty of concentrating on the negative.
I don't personally talk of the DB techniques because I use the more broad DB technique of "do what works".
For instance, Acting As If has no positive impact on my situation. My H (incorrectly) assumes then that everything is hunky dory and I am happy as a pig in slop with his behavior.
Doing a 180, however, does seem to work with him.
You know, there are lots of things that work with him but, unfortunately, we have a bad habit of drifting back into old familiar patterns. This is largely due to my H, although I certainly do NOT help things with my awful reactions.
It is hard to keep doing the DB techniques over..and over...and over..and over. I want to do them, integrate them into my personality, make a positive marital change and be DONE WITH IT.
I don't want to have to keep going back and back and trying new things to get him on board with fixing this R.
Plus, I actually read Passionate Marriage way before the SSM book and was already using its more "ballbusting" principles. I find that the PM stuff really helped me define and focus on what were issues of integrity, etc, as well as helping me see the ways in which we were fused. The DB'ing stuff helps me be a better person and have better interactions with my husband. I don't know that it helps me get him on board for more or better sex but it doesn't hurt! Me being more pleasant definitely improves my chances of having a fulfilling sex life.
However, I'm sure you can see how I am totally demotivated to keep having to go back to these principles, time and again. Am I really that bad that having regular sex with me requires this level of strategy?
So that is why I personally have slacked off with writing about the specific techniques. It is a bit embarrassing for me to have to keep having to do these things.
You caught me on a bad day; normally I am not this somber.
Welcome, nicegirl-- a fresh point of view is always welcome here. When I first joined this community only a few weeks ago, I went back and reread some people's stories from the very beginning. Many on here have been wrestling with these problems for years... reading all the self-help books, being in counseling, etc. Yeah, there is venting and complaining going on, but it feels good to have someone confirm that you're not crazy for wanting what you want. For example Paul just wants to sleep in the same bed with his wife. His wife tries to make him feel like this is completely unreasonable, outrageous, and something that NO ONE would put up with. We're here to tell him "No, what you're asking is within the bounds of reasonable behavior." On these intimate topics, sometimes there's no one else to ask.
I'm very interested in your comments on various situations that you read about on this BOARD (SolidMechanic-- is it a Freudian slip that you refer to this as a "bored"? ). If you have suggestions, toss them into the pot, please. I'd be interested in your take on how a DB coach might respond to some of these situations. Stick around and join in!
Thanks. I feel better now, but the crisis is not over. Her attitude on the rare occasions that I do get angry about something is, "What a hassle." She tries to change the subject. In fact, while I was typing this letter, she called to tell me about something having to do with taxes. I didn't let her play her game. I wanted to know why she wouldn't sleep with me. There was dead air for over 20 minutes.
I told her that I am not coming home tonight. She wasn't happy about it, but it didn't get her to talk.
Excellent point regarding there being no one esle to share with. My own brother really doesn't want to hear about my troubles, and they are taboo at parties. At work? Forget it. There are a great deal of positive stories on this board. Although, I guess on good or even above average days there is less motivation to post.
Some of this stuff is pretty personal (no joke! ), and frankly, it's a lot easier to discuss with "strangers" than it is with people we know. My bf looks and acts like such a stud-- he fairly radiates masculinity-- my friends would be shocked (and I would be mortifid) if they knew we've only had sex a few times in the last six months. I'm sure they think we're two love bunnies. I so appreciate everyone's honesty and willingness to share in the safe anonymity of this board.
Good for you. I trust you explained why you aren't coming home, and what would have to change for you to come home. Like HP said, make sure you talk to M and K tonight and let them know you love them. Here's hoping that this is the nudge your W needs to start changing herself.
Quote: I'm very interested in your comments on various situations that you read about on this BOARD (SolidMechanic-- is it a Freudian slip that you refer to this as a "bored"? ).
Not at all .
I'm just board with reading internet self help instead of enjoying a sex life with my wife.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
). If you have suggestions, toss them into the pot, please. I'd be interested in your take on how a DB coach might respond to some of these situations. Stick around and join in! 
), and frankly, it's a lot easier to discuss with "strangers" than it is with people we know. My bf looks and acts like such a stud-- he fairly radiates masculinity-- my friends would be shocked (and I would be mortifid) if they knew we've only had sex a few times in the last six months. I'm sure they think we're two love bunnies. I so appreciate everyone's honesty and willingness to share in the safe anonymity of this board.