Certainly the board helps us vent some. On the other hand, as good as Michelle's books and others are, they cannot and should not be used as bibles. Reading needs to be done by rational beings. And the suggestions in books must also be rational. But there come times in life and in marriage when a rational response is not warranted. The hurt is just too deep.
Part of the change I want to make is to stand up for myself more. I want to win this.
Quote: I'm just wondering if some of you are really looking for solutions and trying to change yourselves, as Michelle and and DB website talks about. Or if this is just a forum to tell about all the horrible stuff your spouse does (not that it isn't true or doesn't hurt).
Dear Nice,
I can tell you haven't read this bored too much. If you had, as I have, you would find it loaded with fixers. We've read Michelle's books, we've read Schnarch's books, we've read every marital self help book you can find. In fact we are thinking of forming our own collective used marital self help book e-commerce site . We've done more 180s than a Whirling Dervish.
Many of us are, were, or will be in personal or marital counseling. Many of us have considered pulling the plug, but are desparately working on making our existing marriages work, in spite of many of our spouses inconsistent interest in doing the same.
So please keep reading and learning about us and our stories Nicegall, and maybe you'll get a fuller picture of who we are.
The Solid Mechanic
P.S. Sorry if you feel flamed, but I have a mild "big brother" protective streak .
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
There is no "winning" in these situations but the mutual willingness to develop an agreement to cooperate and validate each other's needs and point of views. You cannot change your wife, she must want to change herself and take steps to do just that. She is hiding behid a cultural screen that has some merit, but it's been used for too long. You must accept her culture but will she ever accept yours?
I hate to see people use the children as intermediaries in their relationship problems.. Children should not be used as shields or excuses to pop up behaviors within a relationship. The responsibility should lie in your own hands. To do otherwise is unconscionable...
I am sorry for taking space with this thread. I absolutely agree with you that there are some TERRIFIC items on these boards!!!!! I agree that many posters are looking for solutions!!!!! It has been a real encouragement and help to me.
I've used a DB coach who is wonderful.
I'd basically like to post my first comment here to every thread. Because there are many threads that everyone jumps on the negative band wagon...and that seems to be their only reason here! That may not even be the majority.
But many do the exact opposite of the DB tech. and can only be serving to hurt marriages by spending so much time talking like that.
When you set your boundaries, write them out. Keep them as simple as possible, and tell your wife what they are. She does have a right to know. Make sure there is purpose to your actions, otherwise they will do more harm than good.
Regardless of where you stay tonight, make SURE that you call your kids and let them know you love them.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I'm just wondering if some of you are really looking for solutions and trying to change yourselves, as Michelle and and DB website talks about. Or if this is just a forum to tell about all the horrible stuff your spouse does (not that it isn't true or doesn't hurt).
I believe it's a bit of both.
Please don't take this the wrong way, because it isn't meant mean - but a good general rule of thumb when entering any community or group, is to share about your *own* life or deal specifically with someone else's posts. It seldom goes over well to enter any community and in general terms tell the community that you think they're doing it all wrong.
. We've done more 180s than a Whirling Dervish.
. 
