Quote: If you packed that bag don't be afraid to follow-through, it may be the wake-up call she requires.
Or it could make her dig in her heels even further. Only you can guage her response, so make d@mmed sure what you are willing to do before you act out in anger.
I agree, that it could make her dig her heels in more. But sometimes when you've tried other approaches to no avail you've got to give a more drastic approach a shot as well.
Unfortunately there are some people out there who simply don't take anything short of walking out the door as a serious sign that there are problems within a marriage. I'm truly hoping your W isn't one of those people :-)
Paul, How will you know whether you should head home or crash at the office?
What has to happen either way for you to make a firm decision?
If your decision is that you are too mad to go home, then I would call W and tell her that. Why wait? You will just lose your nerve.
On the other hand, if you can't see yourself really going through with it then it's time to come up with Plan B.
Good luck and I know exactly what you mean about other people being able to see it more clearly than you can. For the longest time I let my H's obvious love for me cloud the raw facts that were right in front of me--namely, that he had emotionally checked out of our marriage long ago and his love was more companion based than anything else.
Quote: some people out there simply don't take anything short of walking out the door as a serious sign that there are problems within a marriage.
My STBX thought that we had a great marriage because it met all of his needs and expectations. When I pressed for my needs and expectations to be met by him, he built a huge wall between us. Since I moved in with mutual friends for a couple of months, he thought that I had betrayed him by revealing all of the pain that I had sufferred for years by him being oblivious to the romance and intimacy which is critical to maintining a healthy marriage.
Sometimes walking out does nothing to wake them up at all. They just deny that they are part of the problems and refuse to try to change things to make the marriage work. Be prepared for this type of reaction, too.
Quote: Sometimes walking out does nothing to wake them up at all. They just deny that they are part of the problems and refuse to try to change things to make the marriage work. Be prepared for this type of reaction, too.
This is unfortunate, but the kind of reaction I would expect from my W . . . at least for a while. Just remember Paul: your request that your wife sleep in the same bed with you (and, ultimately ML with you) is EMINENTLY REASONABLE. You are not asking her to don rubber pants or a leather facemask.
If I were in the same city as you, I would definitely let you crash at my place, buddy.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not advocating using this approach on a regular basis. All I'm saying is that for some people it works, for others obviously it does not.
I have had to use this approach to get my point across with someone from my past, and for me it worked. I would never use this approach with my LDH however, because he would build the wall you experienced. Different things work for different people.
One more thing. You need to tell your W that you have packed your bag and will not be coming home until XYZ condition(s) is/are met. She needs to know what is going on, otherwise there is the possibility that she is surprised by your not coming home and has no clue as to why you aren't (may sound surprising, but it seems to be common that the spouse has no clue how much you are hurting). You owe her at least an explanation and the ground rules for you returning. You also need to make a firm resolve for your self as to what your game plan is, including a plan for handling all of her possible reactions.
I've only posted a few times. But I have read many of the threads of a lot of people here have written...as well as many more.
I just picked posting here....so this is both general and specific.
I've done some of the telephone coaching from DB as well as read Michelle's stuff. But when I read what some people write here and other places...it doesn't sound like many of you read her stuff.
One person who turned her marriage around recommended that more time be spent reading the things from Michelle's book than posting. To keep on a postive track.
I'm just wondering if some of you are really looking for solutions and trying to change yourselves, as Michelle and and DB website talks about. Or if this is just a forum to tell about all the horrible stuff your spouse does (not that it isn't true or doesn't hurt).
I'm less upset now, after noon. I feel the way I usually feel when she is on a rant against me: nervous and agitated. She called just now, wanted to get me to do some work for her. I didn't talk to her. Though this isn't a justification, she does refuse to talk to me when I call her and she is mad.
If I don't go home, I'll go straight to a hotel. Or better yet, I should go to the townhouse that we just purchased and bring a sleeping bag. There is no room in the office and I think I'd be arrested if I stayed here (it's state property.) I would certainly let her know where I am.
To go or not to go. I would need agreement that she take my needs seriously and discuss them at length, alone. On Saturday night, after she had agreed to sleep with me, she got D6 into the argument and D6 was crying a lot. Once D6 was in bed, she was asleep in 2 minutes, but W kept wondering, "Is she OK?" I deeply resent W dragging kids into this. Kids need to hear the same story from both parents. W agreed, then tried to back out using D6.
I understand that what I am doing is not entirely rational and not entirely without risk.
How many of our postings have you read? Did you pick and choose arbitrarily or read an entire thread through? The reason I ask is that there are MANY people on this board working to make changes within themselves; if you read entire threads through to the end you'd see that several people talk about making change in themselves. Sometimes there is the added benefit that a change also occurs within our spouses, sometimes not...but I do believe that the majority of the people on here do recognize that change has to begin with them (not their spouse).
I won't say that some of the people on here don't simply come here from time-to-time to vent, we all do that, we're human and need to get the frustration out.
