Yes, do go places by yourself. Or ask a girl friend to come with. Go have some fun! I wonder if he really is obsessing over what happened years ago or if he pulled that out as an excuse??? And telling you about the women lining up--that sounds like he's looking for a response from you. Don't give him one. And I don't think he isn't thinking about what you are doing and who with. You just don't spend that much of your life with someone and completely put them out of your mind. And if you start going out and having fun and he finds out, he's really going to be thinking about it! Don't let on what you are up to though. Just be vague. yesterday my H told me his mom wanted to know what I was doing on Thanksgiving and I told him I would give her a call. And he said, "well, what ARE you doing on Thanksgiving?" I have been staying with him every night this week. Since he lost his license for 30 days he needs a ride to work in the morning. For the first time I started bringing clothes and stuff to get ready for work in the morning. I used to just go home. I keep wondering what will happen when he doesn't need a ride anymore. But have to just put that out of my mind and wait and see and not be hurt if he doesn't want me there so much. I kinda don't think that will happen anyway. And you are right, in MLC no one else matters but themselves. I think they are easily overloaded with anything else put on top of what they are going through so they just check out for a while. You sound much better than you did when you first got on here so you are obviously making progress. Keep your distance, try to have fun and love yourself!!! Patience!
Sportster Listen to molliew she is giving you excellent advise and pretty much everything she is telling you to do is what I did, I started living for me and not worry about what H was doing or thinking or trying to analyze what he was saying all the time, I know its hard to do but move on in the sense of get out for you and only you let loose and have some fun for you! Lost
I AM feeling a little better today. Molliew, my sitch is buried back a bit, but I DO think that he is using this as an excuse to get free and enjoy his MLC for all its worth. HE had an affair 7 years after mine, so I can't understand why he is so torn up about the details of mine when his lasted a whole year! And again- its now 13 years ago for his and 21 years ago for mine!!! 30 years ago if you count the stuff he was bringinmg up from HIGH SCHOOL!!!!
I still gonna try to call or text tomorrow, but I PROMISE to make it short. a friend of mine gave me some good advice she said every time you feel like talking to him-don't call or text, wait 4 days. if after the 4 days you HAVE TO hear his voice, wait another day. Then call and keep it short. What do you think? Plus in the DR book they say to test the waters every once in a while.If I call him tomorrow, this will only be the 2nd time I have initiated a call since he has been gone in 2 months. He has made all other contact, and I only called him back if he asked me to.
And the ONLY reason I am even attempting this is because he said haven't heard from YOU in a while -the last time we talked(it'll be 5 days Friday) . AND I figured out why I am soo like this this week. We were supposed to go to this big bike thing this weekend and I think I am imagining him taking OW in my place and she will be getting the fun day and t-shirt I was supposed to get and paid for already!!!See, its the little stuff ain't it????
-About going out for me, I could sure use some happier moments these days. All my girl buddies at work either have someone or they are married and don't really go out. We had a nice couple that we went to stuff with, but the guy works with my H and H made a big deal of the keep your distance from my friends thing when we were in the beginning of the break up. Lost may remember, he accused me of sleeping with a friend just because I went to their home (I NEVER went unless his wife was there too, we all knew each other for over 10 years, they were like family to me) But I can't help wondering if I show up at some bike event and H happens to be there will he think
1- I was there looking for him
2-does he think I am there looking for a guy
3- what if HE is there with someone? I would have to leave immediately, I would probably be cordial, but then leave and go throw up or something. HOW do you gals handle this aspect of the "moving on part".Have you seen your H in public with someone else? I don't wanna date anyone, I just want my H to come back, admit he was being a major d**k head, and that he overblew this whole thing and used it as an excuse, and say that he loves me and whatever comes up we'll work on it together.
I promise you both I am trying my best
Sportster Believe me all you can do is your best. About going and doing things and worried about running into H there and him thinking you were there looking for him, dont worry about that I mean come on you guys did things together because you both enjoyed them so dont stop doing something you do enjoy just because your afraid H will see you and wonder why you are there, frankly its none of his business. And yes I would probably leave to if I saw him with someone else because talk about putting salt in the wounds. When H and I were seperated during 7/4 I didnt go to watch the fireworks because of being afraid he brought her there and I couldnt bare seeing them together. I had a big backslide last night, no fighting or anything but we were going over what bills he needed to pay and I saw one for tire kingdom and the balance was like $1400 and I was like man what did you buy (I know he bought tires for his truck back in July $800) and he said "she" needed tires for her van and I was like excuse me so that meant you just had to pay for them for her??? He said she didnt ask me to and I said ok here is what she said man I need tires for my car but dont have no $$ right now and up you step and say here I can get them for you so she didnt directly ask you to buy them but she knew you would if she played the I have no $$ thing and now here you are having to pay off for how ever long it will take to pay it off while she doesnt have to worry about it and has new tires to boot. Also I called him yesterday at work and it went to VM and called him a bit later and he said yeah he didnt hear the phone ring he was on the machine but he got my message said a stupid solicator called him though, Snooping me looked at his phone and recent calls now her # still is there because she called the other day but I asked him if she called and he said no and I didnt see a # for the solicator that supposedly called him??? I was pretty restless last night and he asked what was wrong and he said your insecurites are kicking in again and I said just a bit and he said what about and I just said stupid stuff I never asked him didnt want to start talking about it at 10 at night. Woke up this morning and he said I tossed and turned all night and said sorry and he asked so what were you thinking about and I said nothing really just that my head is not listening to my heart again and he said I thought you fixed that and I said yeah I did but it reared its ugly head again and he started fooling with me and tickling and holding me which was nice. I finally did tell him that her calling kinda made me a bit insecure and he said it was actually good for him and I was like huh???????? He said yeah talking to her and there was nothing not a thing and I said where you wondering about that and he said no he had no doubts about being home and never wondered about if he still had feelings for her (he said he did wonder if she was ok but that was it) but when she called he said he really felt nothing and thats why it was good for him. My question is if she did call again would he not tell me because he is afraid my insecurites will kick in when he knows there is no reason for them to so to save me from backstepping?? What do you all think?? Lost
Sportster, I agree with Lost, you should go have fun doing things you did before if that is what you have fun doing. I never saw my H with anyone, but if I did, I know I would have just fallen apart. Just the thought of him with OW was enough to make me sick. So if you should see him, you either smile and and keep your head up or leave immediately. Whichever works best for you. Just keep the patience going. I think the 4-day wait period is probably good. It sounds like he's doing the contacting and that is the way it should be. Just keep trying to end any contact from your end.
Lost, I can totally understand your backslide and the feelings of insecurity. Just keep reminding yourself, he is there with you. You are the best and you keep being the person he wants to be with. Try to swallow that feeling of having to talk about OW. Of course, he helped her out, he thought he was going to stay with her. Then he came to his senses! You have to let that go. Don't snoop, it just makes you ASSume things! I know you want to be reassured, but they don't want to have to do that. That is one of the reasons mine finally left, he couldn't deal with the insecurities and the constant having to reassure me that everything was ok. We have to reassure ourselves and love ourselves instead of trying to get our feelings of good self-worth from others. It's going to take some work. But you are doing well and I know you will succeed!
Lost- Molliew is right. Keep reminding yourself he is home with you. My H came home July 1 after six months seperated and A with OW he works with. He still works with her and it bothers me but I keep reminding myself he leaves that office every night at 5pm and comes home to me. Things do get better and have been for us but just last night we had a back slide. H christmas party this year includes spouses. While H did not come out and say it he wants to go but is uncomfortable bringing me. Aint no way hes going without me , though I didnt say it just that way. What bothers me is that OW doesnt have a spouse or signifiant other so if H says we are going chances are she is not going to go and H even admitted that. Problem is H doesnt want to do that to OW and thats what I am having issue with. We fought last night and were quiet and business like this am. I sent him email and said that today I feel like we are never going to get this behind us . H emails back.. we make such progress and then seem to hit a wall, I dont know what to do.... I didnt respond. Its clear to me that as long as he is working with her she is going to be a part of his life and we are never fully going to get this behind us. There will be the summer picnic and other events. i am very discouraged today.
Thanks guys! I know its not him Im necessarliy haveing the problem with its me and how low I feel about myself right now. I know he is here with me and he choose to be here I understand that I do but since she called him the other day its like I feel like I did when he was gone and with her all scared and my stomach is tied in knots I want to ask him that he mentioned about changing his cell # and if he would be willing to do that still is that wrong to ask?? Plus there is me going away for 5 days next week and the last time I went away he bought her a plane ticket to fly down to spend the weekend with him and I just have to keep saying to myself that was then this is now that was then this is now over and over. I wish I could just cut my brain out and slap it silly for making me have these thoughts! Especially when he is telling me how much he is going to miss me and when I get back that is when he will give me my rings back and we will be totally back together but then my brain is like well why wait till I get back what does he want to do something while Im gone??? Even though he told me the reason he wasnt giving them back now was that I already had these plans to go up north to have a good time with my friends and maybe "hook up" and I told him I never planned on "hooking up" with anyone it was just a chance for me to hang with old friends and even if we werent back together I still wasnt in the mind set of being single that I still saw myself married and he said I just dont want to mess up your plans is all. Heres my brain, "Why is there something you want to do or someone you want to see while im away??" BRAIN STOP IT STOP IT!!! KMFLA man I totally give you alot of credit man at least my H's xOW is 400 miles away and H doesnt have to deal with seeing her on a daily basis in a work setting. And Im sure holiday office gatherings are tough and honestly why is it that they still sometimes worry about hurting OW's feelings I mean if anything your H should be like yeah your going with me your my wife nothing uncomfortable about that. LIke my H when xOW called the other day it was in regards to her D and I said to H you dont owe her anything to her D and I understand she got hurt on your 4 wheeler but why call you about HER D haveing to go to the doc, you arent responsible for her D and he said its not her D's fault I left and its not fair that her D really liked me and misses me being there and she feels sad about this to. What do I say to that?? Anyway your H can relocate or get a different job I think like you that that will be the only way you guys can honestly break away from his past with xOW and really fix your M. I cant wait for my H to start his C so that we can start doing it together I think that will really help me get past this and look to the future and stop peeking backwards to the past and all that has happened Lost
Ah yes, the holidays. Time for stress about our H and their office OW's. Lost please try to remember that OW is 400 miles away, and she may be spinning the sob story that her D misses H for the sheer guilt of it. He seems to want to re- assure you that nothing is happening with her, so ,In a nicer moment, approach changing that cell number again. Or, is it possible to block her number? I know how you feel, if my H comes back, I know for a fact he gave 2 women in his office his number (and the one calls him/texts ALOT) so I would also be at a loss as to what to do, say hey mister turn in your cell phone??? As for the rings and your trip , maybe H is planning to something with the rings that is special. The "hook-up" comment was not really necessary, but shows that HE may be a little insecure too, after all you did such a great job DB-ing he knows you are perfectly capable of having your own life, and yes, other men DO find you desirable (you said you dated a time or two, right?). Arrange to talk to him on Thanksgiving day, or just a daily call (take turns) can go a long way towards the anxiety of this 5 day seperation. Do not look for grand reassurances during the calls , just what cha up to, miss you this is what we did today here, blah blah blah. Just like when you were DB-ing!!! Also, give him a night to remember before you go!! Not too clingy,or mushy, no tell me you love me and reassuring stuff- just some really hot stuff to curl his toes.Leave him with a strong confident hot woman image-not I am sooo worried about what you are gonna do when I am gone. Too needy, too mushy. Remember thats not YOU anymore. He wouldn't have come back if he really didn't want to Lost!!! This is a test of the trust issue-remember to act as if -and he did tell you where he was gonna be for turkey day, right! You cannot control him or OW and her desperate attempts to get YOUR good man back. He WANTS to stay right where he is. Its only been a week now right? BREATHE!!!! I also know how you feel about the knots in your belly. I have had 'em now for a whole week and today they are also giving me pressure in my chest. I am gonna call my H today, and test the waters a VERY little. No R talk, just hi how ya doin. Hopefully he did not go to that bike weekend event with someone else. I get so sad thinking of him enjoying thats stuff with someone else. And she better not get the t- shirt that was supposed to be mine either!!!I made myself crazy like this a month ago for an entire weekend when he was supposed to go to Daytona and turned out he never went.All that stress for nothing!! But we had to reserve months in advacnce for this one and it cost $$, so I do't think he'll waste it. Maybe he wn't answer the phone and I can leave a message -then I can be all smiley and breezy. I am only doing this like i said before because he said last time "well haven't heard from you in a while" like it was my turn to call.Plus I already told MIL I was gonna try calling today. I would call EVERY day if I knew it would help, but we all know that is NOT the thing to do.This is gonna be a loooong weekend. Maybe I'll take my bike out if weather stay nice like this. Been a couple of weeks since I rode.Even though all this horrible crap happened, we always had a good time biking. The thought that someone else is riding with him and holding onto him kills me. Hang on Lost- you're gonna be ok. Just BREATHE- trust, love. Control cannot be an issue right now. That may drive him away. Next time she calls, shake your head, smile, say to him, that you feel bad for her too- but you're with me cause you want to be-and I am so happy for every day we have together now. Then kiss him and go do something else.
Sportster Thanks for the great advice It made me feel better thats for sure. I did call nextel and they dont offer call blocking But if she does call again I will mention if he thinks it best to change his # after all he did tell her not to call him again right... I happened to mention to H last night with a big cheesy smile is because your not giving me my rings back because maybe you want to give me a new one and he just looked at me and I dont remember exactly what he said but I know he did say I cant afford to do that right now. And yeah maybe he is a bit insecure about me going up there who knows but you know your right Tuesday night will be a good night for us S3 will be at my parents so we will enjoy one another and make him look forward to when I get back. And yes daily conv with him to will help. So your a bike rider hmmm my H has a hyabusa is his 2nd one. We have gone to daytona and biketoberfest a few times since we only live about an hour away from the beach Yes get out and ride what a great stress reliever I love riding!!! Lost Enjoy your weekend!!!
Sportster, awesome advice to Lost! Quit worrying about the damn t-shirt I know how you feel about it, but that is really small potatoes compared to the rest of the sitch, right! Stop the cell phone snooping everyone! I get my Hs phone bill at my address and I could easily look it over but I don't want to find anything and he would be really angry with me. Remember trust and patience--I know it's hard but we have to do it!!!
As for the rings and your trip , maybe H is planning to something with the rings that is special. The "hook-up" comment was not really necessary, but shows that HE may be a little insecure too, after all you did such a great job DB-ing he knows you are perfectly capable of having your own life, and yes, other men DO find you desirable (you said you dated a time or two, right?). Arrange to talk to him on Thanksgiving day, or just a daily call (take turns) can go a long way towards the anxiety of this 5 day seperation. Do not look for grand reassurances during the calls , just what cha up to, miss you this is what we did today here, blah blah blah. Just like when you were DB-ing!!! Also, give him a night to remember before you go!! Not too clingy,or mushy, no tell me you love me and reassuring stuff- just some really hot stuff to curl his toes.Leave him with a strong confident hot woman image-not I am sooo worried about what you are gonna do when I am gone. Too needy, too mushy. Remember thats not YOU anymore. He wouldn't have come back if he really didn't want to Lost!!! This is a test of the trust issue-remember to act as if -and he did tell you where he was gonna be for turkey day, right! You cannot control him or OW and her desperate attempts to get YOUR good man back. He WANTS to stay right where he is. Its only been a week now right? BREATHE!!!! 
But if she does call again I will mention if he thinks it best to change his # after all he did tell her not to call him again right... I happened to mention to H last night with a big cheesy smile is because your not giving me my rings back because maybe you want to give me a new one and he just looked at me and I dont remember exactly what he said but I know he did say I cant afford to do that right now. And yeah maybe he is a bit insecure about me going up there who knows but you know your right Tuesday night will be a good night for us S3 will be at my parents so we will enjoy one another and make him look forward to when I get back. And yes daily conv with him to will help.
I know how you feel about it, but that is really small potatoes compared to the rest of the sitch, right! Stop the cell phone snooping everyone! I get my Hs phone bill at my address and I could easily look it over but I don't want to find anything and he would be really angry with me. Remember trust and patience--I know it's hard but we have to do it!!!