I have lost my soulmate to OW

[molliew]

Well, mostly I use the internet--I don't go to any porn sites though cuz I don't want any weird mail back and I have a S16 that uses the computer. So mostly I look on the internet for book ideas and try to find sex self help sites that aren't porn. I've looked at a few books in the book store but haven't figured out the one I want to buy yet. I looked at Kama Sutra but didn't buy it. You can find some info about it on the web too. But I found a couple things on websites that I decided to try with great results. Nothing weird, just different.

[AMiTHEOW]

Hey Lost,

CONGRATS TO YOUR H FOR THE NEW JOB!!!!

Isn't Sportster just great. I want to say thank you Sportster for "butting" in, I totally appreciate it. I will respond to you on my thread.

What I can say of what you have told me here is it sounds like your H is "testing the waters" of singlehood and seeing if its what he really wants or not especially since there is more then 1 woman now BUT sportster maybe on to something in the fact that yeah he maybe getting calls from these women BUT is he really calling them back??

I agree, he may be testing the waters..but this is the same thing we went through before when we separated. However, it seems to be worse this time because now he is telling me it is ok for me to see other people. I was shocked. Re: his voicemail, one of the women said that she had rcvd his message and was returning his call. During our sep before he was seeing OW#1, then revisited the state and saw her again after we reconciled. He had said he thought he loved her. That was a year ago. Recently he told me it was just a phase and now she is on his VM as well. I am afraid they will "fall in love all over again" and he will be with her. I have decided to not listen to his VM ever again.

I have to take YOUR advice and stop talking about OW with H. It seems I do it everyday and how can I honestly expect him to forget about her when Im always bringing her up and reminding him?

Exactly Lost. My H actually told me that I would put her on his mind when I brought her up. At first he was pretty good with answering all questions, but then I became obsessed with bringing it up. This became another obstacle in our already fragile M. I hadn't found DB then, therefore I felt like he OWED it to me to always be responsive to my fears, inhibitions and questions...WRONG. He has told you he is home to stay, start from there.

I know its only been a week but I find that Im always asking him are you happy? And maybe being a little too affectionate and last night he said he was kinda weirded out by all the affection I have been giving him because I wasnt always like that and he doesnt know how to handle it and he said dont try so hard just be yourself

Again, this is exactly how my H was feeling. I SOOO wish I knew then what I know now, you have a great advantage. He doesn't want you to be artificial. He is realizing he made a mistake, but he doesn't want you to change who YOU are because of that. I did the same thing, trying to do everything perfectly that I thought would make him happy. Of course 180's should be in full effect, however do it naturally ok. You're doing great and I think things are progressing well.

As for the C. I think this is detrimental in the M, however I don't know how to handle this sitch in regards to conveying this to your H. Hopefully someone can help in that area, I would like to see what would be the best way to handle that.

[sportster]

Hey Lost and AMI! Reading you both this morning and though you both have some issues to deal with, at least you can have the chance to deal with them As you know what happened to me this week, he seemed really sincere about why he had to break our date, and said "we'll do this again soon, I promise" I still think something better may have cropped up but he felt bad about disappointing me. Like I said,before if he really felt bad, he would have suggested an alternate date right away, or at LEAST called or text the next day saying thanks for understanding. But NOOOOO! I am doing good about being the "friend" , no pressure, I do not call or text, letting him be the one to contact. I did mail him some mail he had here, and I made a funny card , and wrote 2 line note that i hoped all was going better.
Ok , he hasn't called or anything since wednesday. I'll probably (hopefully) see him on Sunday, but he hasn't evn called on THAT either. Great -one lousy day a week to DB. So, ok, I am STILL trying to adhere to the principle that ACTING "AS IF" will make him wonder what he is missing. November 18 will be two months since he left. I don't know for sure what he is doing with his life everyday.He doesn't share many details.
I STILL think that his bad mood was about work cause he did say some very FEW things but then he just generalized. I read into it, yea- its work but I am sure it included HER .Maybe HER H showed up, or the two girls found out he has been talking to them both. OR, maybe stuff he has counseled them about work has come back to bite him in the butt. Maybe he doesn't want to tell me about it if it concerns HER because he fears I'll tell him "I told you so". Because in the nbeginning of this when he told me her sitch I said it was dangerous for him to be involved and for her as well if her H is as mean and crazy as he says.

I know, I know LOST, I am over thinkin this thing again. If I am not supposed to believe everything I hear and half of what I see, then maybe he wasn'r really sorry at all that he broke the date??
I will start looking for another home this weekend I guess. Talked to MIL yesterday, she is still supportive.(I did find out that from SIL that he told his mom that there is no one else coming with him for Thanksgiving but he did tell her he went to dinner at her home. I don't know the rest of how that conversation went, I am sure he told her the we're just friends crap too) told her what happened with the 10 minute "date". She says he sounds like he STILL doesn't know what he wants.She keeps telling me to just take it one day at a time. I said I am NEVER going to bring up divorce question again. If he wants it, HE is gonna have to do all the work. He wanted it to be all over by the first of the year. Its already the middle of November!Thats impossible. Maybe all this not talking and not seeing each other stretches it out, HOPEFULLY changing his mind, eh? I don't know if I told you both, but he NEVER said "i want a divorce" point blank. When I asked him after the moving on issue, He said he was thinking about it, when we had that talk Sunday. So I asked well how far are we goin with this, and he said that"yes I am probaby gonna do papers". I found out that he told his Mom that "its looking like its going to go that way (divorce). Looking? If you are sure this is what you want wouldn't you say that??
He seems that he just can't say the words, or is he leaving the door open a crack to change his mind???GUess I am having a bad day girls. I was just really hoping if that we are going to rebuild a relationship, that it would be starting already. Guess two months is like nothing to him, but everyday is hard for me, cause I don't know what he is really planning, At least I haven't cried for a couple of days. I got my DR book in the mail the other day. Read to page 111 last night. So far though all the stuff is baout if they are still living with you. Its hard to DB if they are not even contacting you. I STILL can't figure out if he really wants me to contact him at all. A while back when I was kinda getting on him for not calling when promised, he said i could have called him . too. Am I wrong to just back off and let whatever is happening in his life happen to him and hope he misses me? Again, just a bad day I guess. Thanks for listening and if you have any suggestions I'd appreciate 'em.

[AMiTHEOW]

Hey Sportster,

As you know what happened to me this week, he seemed really sincere about why he had to break our date, and said "we'll do this again soon, I promise"

You say he seemed really sincere Sport, then you start anyalyzing why he broke the date. I do the same thing, but we have to try not to dig too deep. I know it's hard, my H and I have been sep for 8 months so believe me so I know hwo it is when your mind starts to get the best of you. He may not have suggested an alternate day because it didn't come to mind. Men don't think how we do. That's what YOU would have done, maybe not how he was thinking at the time.

I STILL think that his bad mood was about work cause he did say some very FEW things but then he just generalized. I read into it, yea- its work but I am sure it included HER

Again, you said it was about work, THEN you said it included her. You don't know that. It's that ASSuming thing again. It creeps up on you I know, but try not to let it. It may not have had ANYTHING to do with her at all.

I'm glad you are not saying anything else about divorce either. Let him do EVERYTHING, just like you said. You said it yourself, "but he NEVER said "i want a divorce" point blank." Therefore, he may just be talking because he thinks this is waht he is SUPPOSED to say because of the sitch. Ya know what I mean? He can't give concrete answers because HE doesn't even know what he's feeling. Yes, therefore leaving the door open.

You are doing well. No texts or phone calls, I'm glad to hear that. I'm trying the same thing. However I left H a voicemail yesterday, and he called me. Check my sitch for the convo...

Hope all is well and keep up the good work.

AMI

[LostInFL]

Sportster
stop anaylizing you have to for your own sanity believe me. My H told his sister that his mind was made up completely about being with OW and that he and her were very happy and 2 weeks later he is back home with me??? It all goes back to the believe nothing you hear THEY say those things to convince themselves of it as well! H would tell me to proceed with D and that he and OW have a good thing going and he sees a future with her and never saw us getting back together and I know I have told you this before but H told me he said those things not to hurt me but to convince himself that he was doing the right thing even if his heart still was telling him differently he was ignoring it. So your H telling everyone it "looks like its going that way" with the D is him trying to convince himself. And my H's sister used to say the same exact thing to me about how she felt that my H was very confused and honestly didnt know what he wants so take that as a good sign that she feels the same way. I know its been 2 months and probably the longest 2 months of your life believe me I know but your doing the right thing giving him time and space the more space you give him the more he has to think about things and really think about what he is doing. Remember I used to do the same thing dwell on thinking that H was so happy with his new life and is completely happy with his decision to start a new life with OW when in reality he was really understanding what he was doing and that he wasnt really happy and that he wanted to find his way back hime to our family. So I know its hard but keeping going as if do things for yourself and dont constantly wonder is he going to call and definitly dont wait around for that phone to ring either! I will tell you this when H came back I already had plans for the coming weeks i.e. this weekend going to a Jag's game and also going up north for thanksgiving and my HS reunion. I told H about these plans and he seemed a bit shocked that I had made plans like that so far in advance and never told him about it because honestly deep down he thought I wouldnt do anything like that without first making sure he "just might" call me to do something else. So unfortunatly my H is going to be alone for turkey day since he started this new job he cant fly up with me and my parents already had plans set up for them to take S3 while I was away. And he said its ok he will probably be working and will probably go to a friends house for turkey day. I talked to him yesterday and said I was a bit worried that if OW came down to see her family for turkey day and if she tries to contact him or something i.e. bring him some things he left up there. And that if he did see her it might bring back some feelings (after all while he was with her he and I had S 2X's BUT when he became 100% committed to her and their R he wouldnt even touch me or kiss me even if I tried to be seductive) and he said if she did call him he has no desire to see her whats so ever and if it was to get his stuff back he said he would call me and tell me and if I was ok with him getting the stuff from her i.e. meet in a public place to get them. And if I wasnt comfortable with it then he would tell her so and not worry about the stuff. The stuff in reference is 2 pairs of work boots one he had just bought that cost over $100 and I would hate for him to loose those but also fearful of him seeing her again. But he says most likely the way she is i.e. wanted to call the cops on him when he told her he was leaving because she was afraid he would "trash the place" that she trashed the boots and as far as he knew she was spending turkey day at her SIL's housr in NC and not coming to FL at all. Plus going on 2 weeks and not 1 bit of contact from her at all, he even had a few things mailed there (last paycheck stub)that would have gotten there early last week and she never called him about that or mailed it to him. So that is some insecurity that Im dealing with right now about going away for 5 days next week.
Mollie did something "different" with H last night something he has kinda always wanted to do but I never did so last night it was actually my idea to try this and he was like uhuh no way really?? I was like yeah afterwards he was like that was awsome and I said well you know what Im learning that I need to be more exporative in my sexuallity not just for you but for me to and guess what I didnt just do this for you I did it for me and know what else I liked it!! And he was like cool (while grinning from ear to ear )
LostInFl

[Destinationunknown]

Lost, can I ask your advice? I'm dealing with a MLC H who has left. He still has some mail coming to my address. Well, last week he had a AAA Trip Tik sent to MY address that had directions mapped out for him to go see the OW. Do I pretend it never came and I never saw it? Or, should I give it to him so that he KNOWS I seen it. The whole time he was looking for a new place to live, what bothered him the most was that I had said he was cold, insensitive and calous so he kept saying that he's none of those and that this does hurt and he's not proud and he feels guilty. So, if I let him know that I've seen this and it really does confirm that he is all of those things. Why would he have it sent to MY address. I want to give it to him with a note that says "How can you do this to me. What did I do to deserve this" and write "I know you're planning to see her but you didn't have to shove this in my face". What would you do in this situation? Any advise at all from anyone is appreciated it. He's on business and won't be back until Friday so I have a few days to figure this out.

[molliew]

WooHoo! sounds great! I think sex is very important in an M and it can get boring to both people so I say spice it up and have some fun with it--the looks on their faces is priceless! Some excellent advice you are giving Sportster. Keep working on your trust. It is great that you are able to go and leave him on Tday even though you are worried. I would certainly take him at his word about OW. He is with you after all. He made a mistake and he knows it and is taking responsibility. He must be a wonderful guy!

[molliew]

Wow, that is hurtful. I can't believe he meant for you to see it. No matter how much it hurts, I would just hand it to him without a word. That way he knows you have seen it but he isn't getting any pressure from you about it. He is going to feel guilt! When my H was with OW I told him the same things and how he was having a great time and I was dying inside. One day he started to cry and told me he wasn't an unfeeling cold person and that this was hard on him too. I was still mad though and wasn't DBing yet so I just kept beating up on him. Now I know that he was only with OW because he was looking for comfort, something to make him feel better. He found that it didn't work and dumped her. Now we are trying to work out our R. It is a long, hard road and there will be ups and downs so be prepared. Try really hard not to say anything about his trip. Your silence will surprise him and make him think.

[Destinationunknown]

Mollie,

You're advise makes sense. I will give it to him without any reaction to it. That way it is sort of a quiet, non-confrontational acknowledgement of it. But, like you said, without the pressure. You really think he will feel guilty? My H also broke down and cried tears, saying exactly as your H did. It's like they have temporary lapses of "being human" during their MLC meltdown. I will take your advise on the trip and let it go at that. Thanks again!

[Destinationunknown]

Mollie,

He has said repeatedly that I should keep in touch and call and let him know how I am. I haven't done that yet. I've let him do all the calling and emailing since he moved out two weeks ago. What is your advise on that. I do keep the conversations light and basically just small chit chat. I do want him to feel like without me and miss me but am I letting him get "too far away" by not calling him and having him do all the contacting? I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.